Asklemmy

There was a study a few years ago that found that asking someone for help actually strengthens your relationship and makes them like you more. IIRC it was on workplace interactions. The basic idea being that if you ask someone for help, it shows you have trust and confidence in them and they get to feel useful, which people generally enjoy.

Obviously that's going to depend on the type of help. If I need help moving or with some mental issue, that's going to be a more appreciated ask than if I ask for money. Not that asking for money is always a bad thing, so long as it's a legitimate need and doesn't become a habit I think most people would be happy to help out a friend low on cash. It's better to get financial help from friends and family than from some predatory payday loan that is designed to keep you in debt for the rest of your life.

I'm finding out that I'm codependent. I avoided this term for a long time because of connotations I had of it with "co-addiction" but really, it is a situation like what you describe - I provide help all the time, and I never ask for or feel like I can accept it. I have so many instances in my past of help coming with strings, or being massively let down, or just being slammed with other people's incompetence that it makes me physically uncomfortable. All of this stems from and reinforces the idea that I have to be responsible because everyone else around me is being messy and useless.

Long story short - ask for help anyway. Even when it feels like shit, you have to get used to it. Like others have said, be specific and direct, and accept the idea that they may say no, and it probably isn't personal. "I need help with..." doesn't work unless it includes, "Can you help me with this?"

I have struggled my whole life to ask for help. I’ve always been afraid of inconveniencing the helper, or getting judged about why I don’t know how to do something. I have a fierce independent streak, and have trust issues… what if I ask and then it’s used against me later?

After I quit drinking, and went to AA, and got a sponsor… I’ve been gradually retraining my brain that it’s okay to reach out and not stay silently struggling (I am told it increases my risk of relapsing). I’ve also always helped when I can to anyone who has asked…

As other commentators have said, without the ask for help, I wouldn’t know it was needed.. and wouldn’t want to assume anything…

As a rule of thumb, I never ask for help if I consider I'd be annoyed if I were in the other person's shoes. This means I tend to ask help more frequently for things that require explaining and understanding stuff, and will rarely ask for help with physical tasks if it's safe for me to do those myself.

I think including context about what kind of help would get you more specific. Financial help is different from mental support is different from help with moving things. Also, are you looking for professional help or just help from a friend?

Assuming you’re referring to asking for help from a friend, I recommend not thinking of it as “help”, which implies that you’re asking for a gift, but consider it a “favor”, which implies that you’re making a request with the understanding that you intend to return the favor if the opportunity arises.

I enjoy helping my friends, but I’ll also tend to weigh the situation and if it’s a big inconvenience to help (and if it’s not a desperate need), I’ve been known to decline or help in some other way. However, if a friend asks for a favor, I’m much more likely to say yes because I understand this person wants a sustained relationship with me and intends that we help each other in that relationship rather than having it be a 1-way street.

Folks generally don’t like being friends with people that only take and don’t give.

Are you asking us for help about asking for help? Well done! And apparently even total strangers are willing to help you. ;-) But seriously: interesting question and already some interesting answers!

Be specific about asking. If you don't have a question mark somewhere in what you're saying then you're not asking a question. If you don't have a question mark somewhere then there's no expectation of a response. Does that make sense? ;)

Spend a moment thinking about what you actually want an answer to. Don't waste people's time with an "XY problem".

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/XY_problem

Lastly, I keep in mind the idea of reversing the situation. How would I feel if someone were to come to me with this question? Would I feel bothered? Would I be annoyed? Most likely no, I LOVE helping with stuff, especially if it's in a field of my interests. And if I'm being asked about it there's a good chance it is. :D

Do people lose their connection to you when they ask you for help?

Three ways:

• The softest is to ask someone else if they need help with anything and hope for a reciprocal ask.

• The main way is to complain about something to someone with the power to fix it.

• The third way, when I need help and it's urgent: Ask soneone who can help if they have a minute, and if they say yes, tell them what I need. Outside of my professional environment, I really try to avoid putting myself in this situation.

If it's difficult, you can always a) minimise the stuff/amount you're asking for (asking someone to visit isn't even asking for help), b) come up with something to trade, i.e. what you can do for them in return or later.

Not saying it's the best approach, but it's a way to break through the hardest mental barrier.

I have no problem asking for help. I say: hey, I need help or: hey, can I get some help?

I also like it when people ask me for help. So maybe that's why I don't have an issue with asking?