this post was submitted on 30 Aug 2023
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How do you ask for help? (lemmy.blahaj.zone)
submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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I feel like I give help easily but I don't feel ok asking. How do you become ok with asking for help? I have no idea what conversations that include this even sound like. In my mind I come across as begging and losing connection with the person or people I ask. How can I think about this differently?

Edit: a little more context, although this applies generally I think. I recently got surgery. I have enough help at home to get by, but it would be nice I suppose if a friend wanted to help out in some way too while I recover. I'm not exactly sure what kind of help that would entail, maybe cleaning or cooking or even just visiting. But I struggle with asking for help in even "normal" circumstances, like moving, or a major project, or even just emotional support.

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[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago (2 children)

I think including context about what kind of help would get you more specific. Financial help is different from mental support is different from help with moving things. Also, are you looking for professional help or just help from a friend?

Assuming you’re referring to asking for help from a friend, I recommend not thinking of it as “help”, which implies that you’re asking for a gift, but consider it a “favor”, which implies that you’re making a request with the understanding that you intend to return the favor if the opportunity arises.

I enjoy helping my friends, but I’ll also tend to weigh the situation and if it’s a big inconvenience to help (and if it’s not a desperate need), I’ve been known to decline or help in some other way. However, if a friend asks for a favor, I’m much more likely to say yes because I understand this person wants a sustained relationship with me and intends that we help each other in that relationship rather than having it be a 1-way street.

Folks generally don’t like being friends with people that only take and don’t give.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

I am not a big fan of this transactional interpretation. When I am friends with someone, I will help them, if necessary and within my ability and I expect the same of them. How often this is then used, does not matter.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Thank you! This was helpful, and I added context to the post as well. This is indeed help from friends. I'll have to try thinking of it as a favor and see what that does to how likely I am to ask!

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

Thanks for adding that extra context!

I definitely think the “hey, can I ask you for a favor because recovering from this surgery is driving me nuts…?” is the way to go.

Oftentimes people struggle to know how to help a friend when they’re in a vague kind of trouble like after a surgery.

For instance, I’m not sure how I would help one of my friends if they had a major surgery. Maybe I’d send them a door dash gift card?