196

Ignoring female-on-male violence and shaming men who are victims of it is also structurally ingrained in our society.

1 is questionable, in part because of the claim that we don't know how under reported it is in 2. But also because there have been studies going back to the 70s suggesting that most violent relationships involve mutual violence, and the ones that don't aren't a large majority of men abusing women. For example, the woman who founded the first women's refuge in the UK had written that many of the women entering her shelter were as violent as the men they were leaving, giving a number a number that was pretty close to numbers Strauss, Gelles and Steinmetz came up with from their research in the 70

Those studies get questioned or minimized not because they have particularly bad issues with how they are done, but because the field is essentially subject to ideological capture and research that contradicts the goals of the activism at the time is worked against.

There's also some playing with terms and definitions that works against men in this kind of thing. To use a trans example, all women in the UK who rape are trans - this isn't because trans women are particularly likely to rape, but because rape is defined in the UK as requiring the perpetrator to penetrate the victim with the perpetrator's penis, which means cis women are incapable of "rape", but if you're a TERF and need something to support your point... For an example regarding men, Mary Koss (a prominent sexual assault researcher, enough so that you almost can't talk about the topic in the US without touching something descended from her work) was asked a question about men being raped by women about a decade ago in an interview. She responded with incredulity, asked how would that even happen, and when given an example who had been drugged into compliance was told by Koss that that wasn't rape, but "unwanted contact" and in other places she's made a point about the importance of keeping rape a word for female victims because men just don't feel hurt or shame in the same way.

Or NISVS where you see a couple of interesting things. One is playing with definitions where if a man copulates with a woman against her will it's "rape" but if a woman copulates with a man against his will it's "made to penetrate", with the latter being a subcategory of "Other" so as to obscure any kind of direct comparisons between them or that the two are as similar as they are. You also have this clearly demonstrated phenomenon that they seem to actively avoid discussing where previous year rape numbers are pretty similar (if you consider being "made to penetrate" equivalent to "rape") but in lifetime numbers men's reporting drops off drastically. I suspect this is caused by men not categorizing what happened to them in this way, in large part because they get told again and again that it doesn't count, that they were lucky, or similar until eventually they believe it.

Ha! #2 is wrong because you said extant instead of extent. I've got you now, sensible internet stranger! 🤓🤓🤓

100% on all points

🫂

Hey man, I don't know your situation and all the details, but it's not at all ridiculous to call it spousal abuse or gaslighting. That's fucking dark, and that your son is picking up on it is darker. Your other kid likely isn't blind to it either, especially since she's started receiving that sort of treatment and being treated as the scapegoat. That sort of situation leaves deep scars on both spouse (you) and children. You don't have to be in physical danger (though abuse often escalates) to be in danger. Damage from abuse lasts a lifetime.

It’s me, your buddy - well maybe not your exact buddy but a dude living in this same scenario.

Please hang out when that last kid turns 18 and we are free. It’s horribly lonely and there is no one to help. Getting a divorce just means she gets everything including all the time in the world to manipulate the kids.

That's not what helps men feel empathy, though. That's not how empathy is developed. If it was, movie actors and kings etc who have empathy extended to them constantly, would be the most empathetic people on the planet. Yet they are the least empathetic.

The thing that gets men to feel empathy, is the man feeling empathy. It's like a mental weight - you have to choose to lift it. I can't make you do that by rolemodeling. You have to actually take time and do the work. Actually sit down and think and perspective take without projecting or objectifying. Just radical acceptance. You have to do that work. And only then can you be truly caring, empathetic, or a feminist - by examining your own actions as a man. It's great to allow men to have a sense of community outside of toxic masculinity, but this isn't how men develop empathy or Feminism and that's weird to phrase it like that. Like it's valid for men to punish women by removing rights, voting for Trump, removing empathy, and not being prosocial. In fact, that's quite controlling and abusive.

I actually spoke with some who said talking about problems specific to men, is somehow anti feminist, because it puts men into a victim role.

I'm a guy.

I've been sexually assaulted multiple times in my life by both genders. The last time was at the hands of a boyfriend who made me no longer want to be Bi. I haven't been with another guy since and only date female now.

Honestly the response has never been in my favor. At the hands women it was ignored or blamed on me and by men I was told that I should have enjoyed it more. I've been belittled for not being gay enough to take being assaulted in public. And told I was being a problem for having it done to me in a work setting with apologies made for the perpetrator and then myself sent away.

I never get to feel unsafe and I never have gotten to feel seen for it. Not by other men. Not by the LGBTQ community, not by women, not even by doctors. It's devastating and yet there apparently is no right time to ever bring it forward. It's horrible that it feels we have specific socially acceptable ways to be traumatized and most of them are against men. And yet the loudest resistance feels like from the people being hypocrites cause it makes for an easier narrative.

I don't like people anymore.

One downfall of what I only hesitantly refer to as modern feminism (although really I'm talking about terfs and the terf-adjacent) is that it has painted men as dangerous by default. I'm also a trans woman so I've seen both sides of the coin, too... I do feel less safe now, this is true. Many things were easier when I was living as a man. But I was never dangerous or an abuser.

Nonetheless, a former partner used accusations of abuse against me and turned so many people on me. The only ones that stuck by me were former romantic partners, who knew the accusations couldn't have been true. For everyone else, it was so easy to accept that a man - even a clearly gentle one - would be an abuser.

In reality I've been a victim of abuse - physical, emotional, sexual... All long before I transitioned.