traaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnns

Just got asked if "that transgender stuff" is my mom's fault by her. For context I came out as an IV drug addict and trans at the same time. She was more upset at being trans than me slamming heroin. Thankfully it was ten years ago. Still hurts.

I took in a trans girl who's a refuge from Florida and now she's sleeping on my couch. We've known each other for a while, so I told her she could stay because her other option was apparently living in her car in random northeastern cities. So far, we've gotten along really well, which is good cause I have a little 1 bedroom apartment. She's been through a lot, and I'm not completely sure she's ok, but she has made some progress with job interviews around here, so it seems like she's trying to get established. I'm not really sure how she's going to find another place to live tho, rent is so expensive and such.

On Sunday, I invited my other local trans friends (all two of them) over and we all made dinner together. It was honestly really wholesome and nice. I just want to have a bunch of trans friends and to feed them all tasty meals and take care of them.

Good news: got my hair cut in a way I generally like

Bad news: sometimes makes me look like Lord Farquaad

Worse news: the job I interviewed for (which precipitated the haircut in the first place) rejected me, although it remains unclear how much of that was due to my Farquaadity

I went to a small robotics tournament this weekend and was worried that making my robots pink, white, and blue with trans flags painted on them might have been a bad idea at such a STEMmy event, but I actually met a couple other really cool trans gals there and my bots got a lot of compliments! The whole community was actually super wholesome in general and there were a lot more women and families than I expected.

It's also starting to get warmer here which is a real double edged sword. Winter means I get to bundle up and hide my dysphoria in oversized hoodies and overalls, but if I feel like dressing up cute I don't have many options. Otoh when it's warm I get to be adorable every day, but if my BDD decides to ruin my day I have nowhere to hide my grotesque body.

Being trans is weird.

The time has come.

I apologize for being cringe on this forum before. I strive to be a better poster in the future.

Messed up my T injection so I had to use my back-up ampule. R.I.P.

Also first time going to a psych today. It went a lot better than I expected, probably going towards a legal ID change but I got prescribed Lexapro on first sitting and I am not sure whether I should take it.

down with cis

made a whole 4 sandwiches and 5 little snack packs for me for work this week. this is gender affirming care :)

i know this reads like a shitpost but honestly it took me being nice to myself for the egg to crack after not doing it for over 2 decades. being nice to myself really is gender affirming care, dammit

feeling like a gender failure.

[Logic: Heroic] SUCCESS: You live in a world of increasing mass surveillance, rapidly advancing face tracking technologies, in a visibly declining society in which the security state grows by the minute. Are you seriously about to voluntarily map out your own face in Faceapp just to see what a crude AI thinks is you but more femme?

Yes. Do it.

My hair is so amazing I love it AHHHHH

wish my hair was longer

probably going to take like 2 years minimum to get it where i want

damn

I have my first meeting with an endo today. Very nervous. Hope it goes well

what a happy surprise

ordered a bunch of clothes and accessories and other stuff for my partner and I through ali express. order sat never sent then auto canceled after 14 days. got my $ back a few days ago

then there's this huge bag of stuff sitting on my porch yesterday. somebody fucked something up lol but hey it makes up for the time a different ali package got stuck at the post office and sent back automatically with no refund so i don't feel bad

I've decided to tell my mom I'm trans, probably this week or the next. I know she'll be supportive, but I've been worried (probably irrationally) that she might feel sad or hurt. Which is kind of a dumb reason, because I know if it was up to her she'd want to know anyway. but I'm still nervous about it.

I think she might have figured it out anyway. I live pretty far away from my family, but I've seen them a couple times the last two months, and even though I was boymoding I know I still appear pretty different than I did before, and some of the things she said to me on the phone lately made me think she suspects something's up.

"[The patient] is currently unsure of her next steps" is a phrase that has stuck with me for a week now. I wouldn't describe it like that, but it certainly feels like a callout and/or cold water to the face. Not in a helpful way either - just annoying, cold water.

Going to play "Heaven Will Be Mine" and finally figure out what's the deal with Halimede.

on my 3rd injected dose of estradiol after switching from pills! I'm not sure if there's a noticeable difference yet, but I do feel that I'm more-or-less past the weird phase where the estradiol levels from the injections hadn't stacked enough to match the estradiol levels I had been getting from pills. and my 4th injection will be this Thursday!

on a related note, has anyone tried an autoinjector for E or T injections? I'm specifically considering this one from Union-Medico, as I've seen it recommended by trans people on reddit. I've noticed the hardest part of doing my own injections is getting past the fear of the initial jab, and this lil' device handily overcomes that by making it a simple button press – but for a whole $125, after conversion from EUR to USD, which is a bit steep.

and related to that, for my fellow transfems doing subcutaneous injections, do y'all jab at a 45º or 90º angle? and, if so, with what length of needle? I have 5/8" needles, and I'm wondering if those may be too long to go straight in at 90º...

Got really fucked up drunk for St. Patricks day yesterday (its a dumb ameribrain holiday but I like going out with my friends okay) and predictably don't remember like half the night.

This morning my friend sent me a couple pics she took of me well after the point I can remember and I wanted to cry. I just look so happy, and weirdly it gave me like, significant gender euphoria? I present pretty masc, and haven't made huge efforts to change that and last night was no different (though I think the fleece I was wearing might technically be a womens)... but something about the expressions I was making (and maybe a little bit the glitter shamrocks on my face) just hit different. Not even like I looked femme or androgynous really..., I think maybe its just that I looked genuinely happy?

I always get the feels after drinking too much (usually weirdly positive actually which is fucked lol) but seeing evidence that I was there, and having a good time with my friends, uninhibited of some of my more sober hangups, just really made me feel things. Makes me really want to pursue transitioning more seriously. That should be me all the time but instead I'm clammed up and feel like I have to act like a man :/

I feel better than yesterday, I talked to some local tran women, and they gave me the adresses of some docs who are not assholes, but I am still kind of done from yesterday. I don't have much time, to arrange something, but I need some time to recover from the last attempt

I was laying in bed last night and came to the sudden and somewhat panicked realization that the disparity in my mental and emotional moods between when i'm at work where I'll never be able to come out and when i'm at home or with friends who i'm out to is so large that I'm eventually going to burn out, and it may be sooner than I think.

I need to leave this place asap but I have so many things I need to get in order before I can even think about applying to new jobs. I really wish I didn't let myself become dependent on this fucking place but unless I can find a new job that will pay me enough to afford rent I'm stuck here.

A friend did mention working at the casino he works at. From other friends that have worked there before it seems to not be the best, but it has potential to pay 1.5k+ a week working in the cages.

Maybe if I time things out correctly I can apply to the new place while being visibly trans and make my own life easier.

OH OH OH I told myself I'd buy paperback versions of Nevada and Whipping Girl after I started coming out and I finally picked them up on saturday. Unfortunately I only found out about this cool little anarchist-coded bookstore in my city AFTER I bought these books at B&N.

I still want to check them out tho in hopes that they have some feminist books available.

I've been interested in finding and reading Who's Afraid of Gender as well as Gender Trouble among a few others.

Is there any that some of y'all transfemmes can recommend?

My cycle and a pretty bad chest cold have hit me at the exact same time. I feel like I got run over by a truck while doubled over with cramps. This is so miserable.

I was so nervous I almost threw up, but I went to the local trans meet-up!

It was my first time presenting explicitly as a woman in public and I feel so incredibly happy, everyone was so kind and welcoming.

finally getting my hormones from the state and goddamn it's such a great feeling to not have to worry about my life-saving medicine travelling all across europe before reaching me

also spiro making me go to the bathroom constantly and i have massive cravings for salt

Getting an uncommon amount of Ws this week. I male failed for the first time today! I'm not open about my gender at work, so I boymode, and was there wearing a gender neutral hoodie and jeans outfit. At some point I had to help this elderly, probably senile guy and his assistant get some stuff into their car, and he starts rambling to me about something I have no idea what is, so the assistant intervenes and tells him "she can't help you with that", without even like a moment of hesitation or anything, as if calling me she was the most natural thing in the world!

look idk how else to put it but for years i thought i just had the cis kind of dysmorphia that's totally a real ass thing