this post was submitted on 10 Aug 2023
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Asklemmy

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[–] [email protected] 88 points 1 year ago (1 children)

"Ahoy 'hoy" like Mr. Burns in the Simpsons?

[–] [email protected] 53 points 1 year ago (2 children)
[–] [email protected] 21 points 1 year ago (1 children)

The inventor of the graham cracker?

[–] [email protected] 17 points 1 year ago (2 children)
[–] [email protected] 18 points 1 year ago

So multitalented! I can see why they called him Alexander the Great.

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[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 year ago

TIL, thanks for sharing

[–] [email protected] 59 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (4 children)

This one's pretty mild: I always answer my phone with "Yellow?"

Nobody has ever noticed or questioned me about it.

[–] [email protected] 17 points 1 year ago (2 children)

My entire family β€œYello”s!

I answer my phone with it all the time and nobody’s ever commented.

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[–] [email protected] 15 points 1 year ago

When my friends does this I'll say "I didn't know you had color ID!!!"

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[–] [email protected] 52 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (2 children)

I answered my work phone with "Morgans Morgue; you kill'em, we chill'em" once. My coworker did not expect that and cracked up.

I've used the same line with different slogan a few times, but that's the one that worked the best.

[–] [email protected] 35 points 1 year ago (2 children)

I've used "Joe's roadside cafe, you kill em, we grill em" before

[–] [email protected] 21 points 1 year ago (2 children)

Morts Mortuary! You stab 'em! We slab 'em!

[–] [email protected] 15 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Mortuary Grill: where yesterday's grief is today's beef! Who can I serve you today?

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[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Joe’s Meat Market. Nobody beats Joe’s meat.

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[–] [email protected] 37 points 1 year ago (8 children)

City morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em

Or you slice 'em, we ice (or dice, if you want gruesome) 'em

Joe's pool hall, 8 ball speaking

Sam's sanitarium, what nut do you want?

Town grocery, you want the fruit or the vegetable?

Bill's grill, where our meat fits your buns, how can we serve?

Bill's grill, where we shove our greasy meat in your mouth, how can we serve?

I used to have a whole list of these things I picked up over the years, but being able to ignore calls without having to hear them ring has made me forget a lot more

[–] [email protected] 13 points 1 year ago (1 children)

City crematorium - you kill 'em, we grill 'em

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago

I'm trying to figure out how to use this as an ice cream joke

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Jimmy’s pizza and abortions - your loss is our sauce.

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[–] [email protected] 32 points 1 year ago (1 children)

One time my dad and I were sitting in the car while my mom and wife were shopping (fabric store, not our jam). They kept calling us and we kept answering, pretending to be our voicemail messages.

I don't know how we could keep calm while talking, because we were laughing our asses off in between calls, but it worked!

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[–] [email protected] 30 points 1 year ago (2 children)
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[–] [email protected] 26 points 1 year ago

Every time I call one of my higher ups at work he'll say something dumb like "Dominos pizza how can I help you" or "This is the product owner help line, no we can't change your due dates".

I generally get a chuckle out of it.

Last time he called me his therapist.

[–] [email protected] 26 points 1 year ago

I sometimes answer with "Come in please" when I know who's calling. Never stops irritating people lol.

[–] [email protected] 24 points 1 year ago

One of my dad's favourites, which I use, as deep as possible "Lunch room, this is Susan". Works great when it's a telemarketer from an overseas, outsourced call centre...

[–] [email protected] 24 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

"Catholic freight depot random city" makes callers pause for a second to think about what they just heard.

[–] [email protected] 13 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Oooo I love this one, the dissonance is excellent!

"Republican Bakery"

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[–] [email protected] 19 points 1 year ago

Was at the house of a relative of a friend. When the phone rang he asked me to answer it. Suddenly realizing I didn't know the name of the home owner and lacking anything beyond "hello", I simply said, "Massachusetts."

[–] [email protected] 18 points 1 year ago

β€œI’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty β€œ

[–] [email protected] 17 points 1 year ago

In a non-local language.

This also provides a minimal level of security against robocall scams.

[–] [email protected] 17 points 1 year ago (3 children)
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[–] [email protected] 17 points 1 year ago (1 children)
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[–] [email protected] 16 points 1 year ago

Every since I moved to Texas, I started saying "howdy" just to annoy my sister. But I guess the jokes on me, because lately I have been forgetting and she has been saying it.

[–] [email protected] 16 points 1 year ago

"Fluffy's Intimate Massage and Car Wash, you're speaking with Fluffy, how can I help?"

[–] [email protected] 15 points 1 year ago

"Thanks for calling in to 102.5! You're on the air! What is your embarrassing poop story?"

[–] [email protected] 15 points 1 year ago

"[your city] Police, how can I help you."

[–] [email protected] 14 points 1 year ago (2 children)

City Morgue, spare parts division.

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[–] [email protected] 13 points 1 year ago

ε–‚δ½ ε₯½οΌοΌˆor any language the caller probably doesn't understand!)

[–] [email protected] 13 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Guy I was working with would answer his phone with "Hi, can I speak to *person who was calling* please?"

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 year ago

I think I have the wrong number

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 year ago

Welcome to the wooorld of tomorroooow!

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 year ago

Dazarter's mule stable, which ass do you want to talk to?

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Supposedly, my grandpa used to do "Schwartz's Mortuary, Iberium Deep speeking."

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[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Buddy the elf, what's your favorite color

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[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago

β€œHello, it’s been so long, how are you!?” confuses them every time. Same with β€œok, sounds good, see you then!”

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I use jak sie masz. The phrase from Borat which apparently also means how are you in polish.

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[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago

Bob's dildo emporium, we pluck em you fuck em.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago

Sneed’s Seed and Feed, formerly Chuck’s

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Den of iniquity; Snake speaking.

Yankee stadium, second base.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago
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