this post was submitted on 12 Sep 2024
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A former model who was a finalist in the Miss Switzerland contest was allegedly murdered and "pureed" in a blender by her husband, officials in Switzerland are reported to have said.

Kristina Joksimovic, 38, was found dead in her home in Binningen, near Basel, Switzerland, in February this year.

According to local news outlet BZ Basel, a man named Thomas, 41, had an appeal for release from custody denied by the Federal Court in Lausanne on Wednesday after he reportedly confessed to killing his wife, with whom he had two children.

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[–] [email protected] 60 points 2 months ago (6 children)

This story is wild to read, how do you purée someone and still find a body and determine they were strangled?

[–] [email protected] 22 points 2 months ago (3 children)

I mean, considering how some of them can struggle with ice cubes, you'd need one hell of a (consumer grade) blender to effectively get rid of a body

[–] [email protected] 4 points 2 months ago (2 children)

Start with a wood chipper.

Saw that in a movie once.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Yeah but that sprays evidence everywhere, best to find a deep, dark, cold lake somewhere.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 months ago (1 children)

If you can get the body out to international waters over a particularly deep section of ocean maybe... not gonna trust a lake to not betray me

Unless it's the big lake Gitche Gumee in November... then you're golden

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Lake Superior is deep enough. but it's cold enough the corpse won't go away anytime soon.

I imagine you can fit a wood chipper into a boat and then take care of all the problems that way.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 months ago

I have it on good authority that Lake Superior never gives up her dead.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 months ago

You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute.

Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig".

[–] [email protected] 1 points 2 months ago

Ugh have my upvote you heathen

[–] [email protected] 22 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I suspect he vastly underestimated the scope of the job.

Shopkeeper: Oh, hello Thomas, back already? How was that blender? Not big enough you say? Well how big do you need? A whole large coconut you say?

[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I found about 66 liters as the volume of the average person. Assuming a regular 1.5 liter blender, that would mean roughly 44 blending sessions. And that's not taking into account the problems you'll have with large bones or bones in general.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 months ago

Bones, tendons, cartilage those blades would probably be toast after about 30 minutes. The article also mentioned chemical so I'm assuming he tried to do some form of chemical treatment but it wasn't moving along fast enough.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 2 months ago (1 children)

The article is unclear about which body parts were dismantled and blended, i assume he just did the arms and legs or something. Which leaves a lot of the body to be found and analyzed.

Basically, if i get this right, he was cutting the body in pieces and blending them one by one, which i assume must be a long process so no wonder he got caught. Honestly if i were to get rid of a body that would also be my plan in its entirety

[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Not to mention hell for your blender. Bones…aren’t exactly “puréeable.” Any blade would get dull pretty fast when going through human body parts.

Some people.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (1 children)

Not for your Vitamix 5200 it ain't! Buy Vitamix™️ today and get 8 years warranty with a 30 day return guarantee! Only $499.99!

tamper holder not included

[–] [email protected] 6 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Meh. I’m team BlendTec. They’d probably make a commercial for this. “Next on Will It Blend! Fashion models!”

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 months ago

... don't breathe this!....hmmm Olympic runner juice 🥤. Sorry just had to. I'm a total disgrace, this is serious and sad. Sorry, really. It's only slightly funny.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 2 months ago

"We're here about the homicide. Where's the body?"

"Nope, ain't nothing here except 60 litres of strawberry smoothie".

[–] [email protected] 4 points 2 months ago

From the bottom up, I imagine.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 months ago

You'd be surprised the things they can figure out with modern forensics, maybe low oxygen in the remaining tissue, maybe a special enzyme that activates in the lungs when you are carbon dioxide poisoned.

The leaps in detection technology even in the last ten years are astounding.