Ask Lemmy

I don't feel that our society is atomized or individualistic, but that's going to depend on what kind of life you live. Standard advice is to join clubs or volunteer, and after a month or 6 months at any given place, sit down and think about whether it's helping you achieve the social goals that you want to achieve. If it's not, walk away.

You build it yourself one step at a time.

What have you tried so far?

I decided to volunteer at the local railway museum, which then introduced me to the local model railway group, and now I am part of both and meeting many more people aswell. Both for getting out of the house, and meeting new people, it has been awesome not to mention the fun.

Find an activity you would like to do, preferably with people involved, and put yourself out there. Join a club that pertains to an interest. All good ways definitely.

Local ttrpg store

I haven’t figured this out entirely, but I’ve found a partial solution in being part of a men’s group.

We meet weekly to discuss our feelings.

After a couple years in that group, one of the other guys requested that someone call him a few times per week because he needed an impetus to keep moving. He was battling depression and laziness, and wanted someone to check in on him.

I volunteered to call him three times a week. It was only going to be a few weeks at first, but we kept it up.

Now it’s been about six months of me calling him on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday morning. I told him I’d be happy to call him like this for the next fifty years if that’s what it takes.

I live alone, and don’t really see anyone on a regular basis except for this group. I don’t know my neighbors, nor anyone in my neighborhood. I’ve considered joining a church to have some community, but I don’t want to distort my relationship with God.

But this morning I spoke with that guy. He’s not physically present, but our ongoing commitment to this phone call schedule creates an abstract “meeting place” where we encounter each other regularly.

It really works. It’s like sharing a kitchen with someone, and bumping into them there on a recurring basis.

I think it would be great if more people made arrangements like that. I think it would be great if there were a community here on Lemmy just for the purpose of setting such arrangements up.

Regular, recurring connection is magic.

In college I had a classmate that I enjoyed speaking with. Somehow we decided that we were going to have breakfast every Saturday morning at Le Peep, just the two of us.

We did that for an entire year of college, and it formed a deep bond. We became best friends, as a result of seeing each other regularly.

I myself don’t have the bandwidth to take on a lot of such connections, but if anyone is interested in trying such an arrangement please respond to this comment and y’all can pair off.

The arrangement I would propose is this:

• Set up a recurring schedule. Same time on the same day every week
• One of you calls the other
• Have some specific questions planned, in order to kick start the conversation. With this guy from my men’s group, I started off by asking him three questions: “How are you feeling right now? How did yesterday go in terms of your plans and objectives? What are your plans/objectives for today?” This was to help him keep moving in the depression/laziness he was experiencing. Now after months we’ve abandoned the formulaic structure and we just talk
• Treat it as important. Stick to the commitment and make the calls. Lots of people don’t stick to their commitments, and that sucks. Commitment creates consistency, and consistency is the heart of community.

If anyone would like to experiment with this, I can call you regularly for a short period of time to teach you how it’s done. I can’t afford a lot of long-term commitments right now, but I’d be happy to put in some effort to help people understand the technique.

Get involved with something that requires a community.

Sounds stupid, but there's plenty of things that require groups of people to be possible. Community sports, political activism, board games and cards, etc. typically have easy to join communities created for the express purporse of doing the one thing.

The core is basically this.

1. Go where the humans are. Do so on a regular basis. It doesn't really matter where, so long as it's a place where a) socialization is not actively discouraged, and b) people are likely to show up more than once.
2. Talk to as many humans as possible until you find humans you click with.
3. Bring other people into the fold as you meet them.

There are environments that make this easier - hobby groups, certain 'scenes' in your area (music, art, etc.), volunteer organizations, etc. - but you can start the work pretty much anywhere humans congregate.

Are there any hobbiest groups re: digital art or adjacent activities in your area (zine making socials always sounded pretty fun)? Is there something you've always wanted to try that's on offer as a group event? Start there, talk to the humans, show up more than once and there's a good chance you'll be off to a good start.

...said the kettle.

For me, it was a writing group. The guy that leads it just threw a holiday party for us, and I love those, because the group is a wide range of ages, from all walks of life, and they're all smart and interesting, and we all love stories. It makes for great in-depth conversations

Like u/NeoNachtwaechter rightfully said:

Society, community… these are abstract terms. You cannot talk to them. The cannot love you.

Life happens when you meet people (not abstractions).

So, when you write:

Preferably in real life and without religion or alcohol.

Don't see anything personal in the following remark (I don't smoke and don't drink, I quit both many decades ago, and I don't give a flying fuck about religion myself) but you can't expect to meet people that fit your expectations.

Life does not work like a dating app (luckily).

You will meet people, a few of them you will appreciate more than many, many others. All of them, even the 'nicest' ones, will still annoy you one way or another. Like you will annoy them, or like I do. We all.

My spouse and I have been together for 25 years and counting, we're glad to be together but I can assure you we also both have traits or habits the other don't like at all, and that's fine. My best friend and I have been friends for well over 40 years and we're at the complete opposite politically speaking, we always have been. Like we never agreed and we never will. We're fine with our lifelong disagreements because we have many other common interests (and he is a very interesting guy even if his politics are shit ;)

So, the first thing I would suggest would be to accept that people will not be what you want them to be, or how you want them to be.

And then to let things happen, or not happen. That's my second advice: be ok with nothing happening or with failing when trying to make them happen. Most of the time meeting people won't go anywhere and that's to be expected. Don't give up, keep on meeting people and spend some time with them.

I know those advice may sound a bit... generalist but you did not share a lot of context yourself to give you a more specific answer either. And, generalist or not, those are still two advice I follow myself.

board game cafes!

Here's some really good advice about finding community.

If you’re physically able, go somewhere people are willing to teach you something :) Try a climbing gym.

The first hurdle will be working up the courage to ask for advice (on a route, on equipment, about an event) and the next will be showing up often enough that you’re a recognizable part of the community.

In the meantime [email protected]

Meet up has a lot of groups with a variety of activities. You can find hiking, biking, swimming, reading, knitting, quilting, art of various forms, board game, DND, video game, canoeing, kayaking, trivia night, yoga, meditation, foodie, singles, couples, and ither groups to be part of.

Pretending you enjoy normie stuff like star wars or Axe throwing.

I once went to a woodworking store to get supplies for one of my brief ADHD hobbies, and the guy there mentioned that they have classes and there were some carvings on display that people made. It sounded like a nice, small group of people and if I wasn't so lazy and socially anxious I might've enjoyed joining.

Meetup has helped - especially around RPGs and board games. Having a weekly group of friends meeting up with a shared topic helps.

Political activism for me personally

I found one in community dance, specifically local folk dance. The median age is probably 65, so it’s adaptable to a wide range of athleticism levels, but it does require significant mobility.

I absolutely loved it until covid, and then I moved, but it was a wonderful group of people through whom I met dear friends, found a job offer, learned a bunch of things, and found a home.

Lemmy, but you never leave the house, society, but you never spend time at home.

Do mutual aid

Scouting helped me a lot with this. It’s an active community, and not just for kids. And it’s worldwide, so wherever you go, there’s a community you can visit, or recognize

Not sure if you mean without alcohol as in without you yourself needing to drink, or if you mean where do you find an entire community who doesn't drink.

If you're looking for athiest teetotallers, you're already cutting out more than three quarters of people you'll ever meet, so no wonder you may be finding it hard.

If you're anywhere slightly populated, check out local festivals and street markets that get stood up on a regular schedule. Where I am there's usually a weekly farmer's market in a few cities nearby. If you want to volunteer to set-up or work at one they always have the most friendly, community-based people. You'll have to not be anti-social for long enough to make friends with people, but normally it will be the same group who goes to every street festival and market, and you'll recognize all the vendors and workers (who are chill people).

I'm still trying to figure this out for myself.

You just need to put yourself around people as much as possible.

If your circumstances are that it isn't possible, you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. You perhaps could then make it your goal to relocate or put yourself in a position where you can be around people.

What kind of stuff are you into?

I’m having some luck in building a community through my yoga practice. It’s challenging as a beginner because everyone just goes to yoga and then jets off to their next thing.

But I have become very serious with it and am preparing to get my teacher certification. Now I am starting to connect with people who share thtat level of dedication.

Now you could say this is religion technically, but it is so vastly different from the defective and derivative brand of xtianity I had pushed upon me as a youth that it doesn’t feel that way. Practicing Mormonism never gave me lickable abs.

Sports/music

Join a club

The workplace?

Society, community... these are abstract terms. You cannot talk to them. The cannot love you.

Life happens when you meet people (not abstractions).

Look for a niche