this post was submitted on 27 Jul 2024
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politics

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top 50 comments
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[–] [email protected] 112 points 3 months ago

... what a unique sentence.

[–] [email protected] 86 points 3 months ago (3 children)

Probably rug burn from the couch cushions.

[–] [email protected] 61 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

Sadly, this one involves burning the testicles of actual living monkeys, and not merely engaging in private pleasures

[–] [email protected] 24 points 3 months ago

JD Couch Fucker Vance is coming for that cushion.

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[–] [email protected] 64 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Headlines are getting wild.

[–] [email protected] 19 points 3 months ago (4 children)

Dolphins, monkeys, cats, couches, no dead dogs yet.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 3 months ago
[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 months ago (2 children)

I missed the cat thing. What did Jorkin Dapeanus Vance do to a cat?

[–] [email protected] 11 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Preeeeettty sure his name is Jance Dance Vance, and I won't be convinced otherwise.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 months ago (1 children)

That looks like the titular character from Xavier Renegade Angel

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[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 months ago

google childless cat ladies, it's legacy.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 months ago

Watch it turn out he was part of the zoosadist group from awhile back.

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[–] [email protected] 37 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Seems like Trump's people didn't do any digging to vet Vance, but the MAGA crowd will write it all off as fake news anyway.

[–] [email protected] 21 points 3 months ago (2 children)

Now that's it's come out that he got bullied into the JD pick by his failsons, I'm thinking they did do some digging. He just got bullied.

[–] [email protected] 28 points 3 months ago

failsons

New word of the day!

Noun

An incompetent, unsuccessful middle-class or upper-class man who is protected from economic duress by his family's wealth or influence.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Also the fact that Trump only cares about himself and his growing cognitive decline means he probably had zero idea who any of the people on "his short list" even were. So when his offspring offered to make that pick for him I'm sure he was all for it, and being a raging narcissist believed it didn't even matter against Biden.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 3 months ago (1 children)

It's sad how old he is. Old and quite weird.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 months ago

It’s the sequel no one wanted:

Trump term 2

2 old 2 weird

[–] [email protected] 35 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I wish I'd contented myself with the headline on this one.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 3 months ago

Thank you for the comment. I'll let my curiousity go unanswered and my imagination take the reins.

[–] [email protected] 31 points 3 months ago (4 children)

I just hate the fact that this absolute fucker has ruined the name JD. I love Scrubs.

[–] [email protected] 28 points 3 months ago (1 children)

That and the good name of Vance Refrigeration

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[–] [email protected] 10 points 3 months ago (1 children)

He’s not an absolute fucker unless absolute is a brand of couch.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 months ago

It comes with shot-glass-sized cup holders in the armrest.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago

Before 2016 I used to use twice impeached, convicted felon ex-president 45's name a lot for context and comparison because it is short and can act as a hard emphasis word.

Not any more and I can't find a verb to replace it but I'll be damned if I give that fascist shitstain even one drop of SEO even on accident

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[–] [email protected] 25 points 3 months ago (1 children)

AmplifyBio should rebrand to AmplifyCruelty.

Also, we're Satan-hybrids now? That's awesome! Coolest thing they've called us yet.

Vance’s investment in Rumble is more on-brand. That company hosts insidious films by anti-vaxxers, who’ve spread the conspiracy theory that Covid is not a respiratory virus, but actually snake venom added to municipal water, and that those pushing mRNA Covid vaccines want to make you “a hybrid of Satan.”

[–] [email protected] 10 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Sign me the fuck up. Do I get demon wings? Pitchfork? It doesn't matter, I'm in dammit

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 months ago (3 children)

So do we get to pick which Doom-esque demon hybrid we become or is it assigned for us?

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[–] [email protected] 23 points 3 months ago

A Trump and Vance ticket shows that even Christians can't pretend they were really voting for Pence like last time. I don't think a worse combination is possible.

[–] [email protected] 23 points 3 months ago (1 children)

There's absolutely no proof that J.D. Vance uses burnt monkey testicles as anal beads while making love to his chaiselongue. Reports of him heating them up in a red Le Creuset cast iron skillet before insertion are pure speculation.

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[–] [email protected] 20 points 3 months ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 11 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Kristi Noem, RFK Jr, and the article mentioned Dr. Oz as well. What is with dog scandals in politics lately?

[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 months ago

Don’t forget the dog in a crate strapped to Mitt Romney’s car roof a few years ago.

[–] [email protected] 18 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (3 children)

(Emphasis mine)

Many of these animals die in the course of toxic testing exposures. Other animals are destroyed at the conclusion of testing. There are also dreadful mistakes: A lab monkey recently died after getting wedged in faulty lab equipment, and technician error left other monkeys with burns on their genitals.

What a weirdly euphemistic way to describe it. “Killed,” “put down,” or even “euthanized” would be far clearer. “Destroyed” isn’t even especially positive, but it’s just strangely vague. I get that it’s probably a term of art in the industry, but I would have put it in quotes to show that and call attention to the fact that they intentionally try to distance themselves from their actual practices.

[–] [email protected] 18 points 3 months ago

"Destroyed" is especially fucked up since it sounds like they're trying to distance themselves from the fact that these are real living creatures, and not inanimate objects who can't feel pain.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

I used to work for a preclinical pharmaceutical company and our primary model was monkeys (macaques like rhesus and cynmolgus). We worked on drugs for cancer, Alzheimer’s, lupus, and more.

We had full time 24/7 vets, regular checkups, enrichment programs, and the techs would constantly give the animals treats and were very passionate about the most humane treatment. We got surprise inspected by the FDA and others in order to keep our GLP and AAALAC status and we worked with some major companies who would not work with us if we lost our status.

Euthanasia was a big part of many studies because they need to necropsy the animals so they can see what the drugs to do parts of the body.

This mention of “destroyed” seems much more harsh than what I experienced in the labs. Burning testicles is brutal bullshit - what the hell are they even testing?! This lab sounds like a fucking shit show!!!

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[–] [email protected] 17 points 3 months ago (1 children)

These people are just fucking awful, top to bottom.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Is there top and bottom with couches? I'm confused.

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[–] [email protected] 16 points 3 months ago

Even under the best of circumstances, the monkeys used in AmplifyBio’s research have short, dismal lives. This is evidenced in a study published in June in the journal PLOS Pathogens, conducted at AmplifyBio on 25 macaques. The experiment required drilling holes in the monkeys’ skulls to deliver vaccine injections directly into their brains. After a month of observation, the study records, the animals were “humanely terminated,” and their brains harvested for research.

Macaques, which the article states AmplifyBio uses, are smart enough that the stone tools they make were briefly used as evidence of human presence in south america. Their tools were close enough to human tools as to fool some experts.

[–] [email protected] 13 points 3 months ago

... I just want to stop learning more about this man. Everywhere you look, there's something even more fucked up than whatever you knew before.

(Jk, everyone needs to learn about him so we can win in November)

[–] [email protected] 11 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Is there anything this man hasn’t fucked???

[–] [email protected] 7 points 3 months ago

I have a turtle that I know has never been near JDs penis, but I've got him locked up since I think Vance might know this and is coming for him.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 3 months ago

What questions? We all know he's a terrible person to the core.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Print photos of different couches and mail them to any or all of these locations:

https://www.vance.senate.gov/office-locations/

Don’t forget to add little love notes. e.g., “Thinking of you 💋”

[–] [email protected] 13 points 3 months ago

Nah, you gotta play it like you're also into couches. Something like

Get a load of the curves on this bad bitch.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 months ago

Amongst other problems.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 months ago

Don't we all though?

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