Please don't post about US Politics. If you need to do this, try !politicaldiscussion
1) Be nice and; have fun
Doxxing, trolling, sealioning, racism, and toxicity are not welcomed in AskLemmy. Remember what your mother said: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. In addition, the site-wide Lemmy.world terms of service also apply here. Please familiarize yourself with them
2) All posts must end with a '?'
This is sort of like Jeopardy. Please phrase all post titles in the form of a proper question ending with ?
3) No spam
Please do not flood the community with nonsense. Actual suspected spammers will be banned on site. No astroturfing.
4) NSFW is okay, within reason
Just remember to tag posts with either a content warning or a [NSFW] tag. Overtly sexual posts are not allowed, please direct them to either [email protected] or [email protected].
NSFW comments should be restricted to posts tagged [NSFW].
5) This is not a support community.
It is not a place for 'how do I?', type questions.
If you have any questions regarding the site itself or would like to report a community, please direct them to Lemmy.world Support or email [email protected]. For other questions check our partnered communities list, or use the search function.
Reminder: The terms of service apply here too.
Logo design credit goes to: tubbadu
I worked for a small marketing company in college and the completely humorless owner told me go through the storage room and only keep 2 of each catalog.
We had a few from a company called Reich Paper. I took one and brought it into the office.
"We have a couple catalogs from this company. What should I do with....the third Reich?"
He looked at me like I was a total idiot. "Um. Throw it away??"
I thought it was a good joke...
It was a good one π
Ages ago, when I was in the army, my best friend couldn't get promoted because his arms wouldn't straighten. It was a super dumb issue which prevented him to properly do a push up, and because of that he could t pass the PT test.
Finally months and months of doctors and paperwork, he receives a waiver and is getting promoted.
Our commander is giving a little speech about follow through and perseverance or something, and he says, "and because of his funny arms"
I immediately blurted out, "Yeah, they're really humourous."
In a crowd of 40 people, I think one person got it. I still think it was my best joke I ever cracked at a moments notice.
That one is so dad it just asked me if I made good time on the way here.
Maybe I'm too stupid but I don't get the joke
Lmao thanks for the explanation.
His arms are funny like comedians funny, not weird funny.
When I was a teacher, I went from teaching English in a classroom with two windows to a computer lab with windowless walls on all four sides.
I only got to tell this joke like a dozen times.
I would tell the person I was talking to that I liked teaching technology, but I missed the windows in my old classroom because now I had the fewest windows in the school.
Then after a pause, Iβd say: Actually, now that I think about it, I ended up with the most windows because I have thirty computers all running Windows 10. And thatβs like 300 Windows if you do the math.
Grrr
The audience is always too small. I'm 6'5" tall.
I'm about 6'6, hit me with your best one.
Might be a bit below the belt...
This is all going over my head.
If you were a bit taller it might poke you in the eye.
What does every man's dream woman look like?
4 feet tall and a flat head.
Surely you know a good tall story or two!
I made a very crude one with 2 of my workmates today, but one choked on his coffee so I'm proud of it.
"Rougher than being fingered by a brickie" (Bricklayer)
for an audience of 2... possibly the wittiest joke ive thought of off the top of my head... for 2 people.
I guess it's funnier if you know what a "brickie" is
Bricklayer
You must pretty rough to fuck bricks.
Never mind, I guess not
Dood. Bricklayer works with bricks all day which makes your hands (including fingers) rough.
It's a pretty good joke.
I dunno, I kinda like the idea of being manipulated by a pair of strong, capable hands.
Y'all are gonna flip when you learn about these things called "gloves"
Fuck you must be fun at parties.
I am, I'm fucking hilarious.
I donβt condone this joke, itβs terrible and offensive. I wrote it for a friendβs standup routine.
My friends are upset at me because they think Iβm sleeping with a 16 year old. But sheβs not 16. She was 16 when she died. Now sheβs 18.
IMO the joke isn't terribly offensive, just unfunny. There are incredibly good jokes that would be way more offensive when taken literally. Look up the SNL joke swaps if you're curious.
A professor once asked if we knew what a pronoun was, and I asked if it was a noun that lost its amateur status.
A noun who doesn't work for free
I sometimes tell the doggo some jokes out of habit. If laughter is anything to go by, she's the funnier one though.
If the tail wags that counts.
WARNING: This one is pretty twisted and sick. NSFW.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
Not exactly a joke but when the Lemmy apps were coming online I really feel like someone should have taken the name βVotorheadβ
I was feeling pretty bad so I went to see the doctor.
He checks me out and says "Well, I have good news, and I have bad news."
"Well, give it to me straight, what's the bad news?"
"Bad news is, you have leprosy."
"Jesus Christ, doc! What's the good news?"
"Good news is, it's just the 24-hour kind."
Turns out a Lung Function Kit is not an upgrade to Knight Riders car.
"I got a DUI last night... for 'Driving While Illiterate!'"
Came up with that one at the grocery store the other day. My partner didn't even crack a smile. If you're familiar with Norm Macdonald, read it in his voice.
I walked around my nearby harbor freight and farted really loud. Everyone around me clapped
Is that not what you're supposed to do there?
