[email protected]

So I think I realized I hate myself but didn't realize it. I've been as outwardly focused as I could be for as long as I can remember. I love beeing a shoulder to cry on, to root on my friends as they improve their lives, and creating spaces where people come together to make music (I host weekly jams in Chicago).

But one thing I've noticed is I get really nervous when people start getting close to me. I've tried to have relationships, and pretty soon I just feel a pit of anxiety and things end pretty quick. Even friendships can make me feel nervous. I consider myself super extraverted, and I have no problem addressing large groups, but it's a very small club of people who I actually feel okay being me with.

Recently I realized I'm not in that club. I don't feel comfortable alone, and I thought that was just the extraversion, but I realized it's that I mostly ruminate on every shitty thing I've ever done and feel really bad. If I can't feel comfortable with myself, how can I feel comfortable showing that to anyone else?

My friend just got married, and he said the thing that he felt was the core of it was that he felt as comfortable being at home with his wife as he would being alone. That made me realize I'm not ready for a relationship right now.

For context that's what Picasso said when he saw the ancient cave paintings of Laseaux

We have invented nothing

[email protected]

I think this comment wasn't supposed to be an argument for the existence of Israel, but rather directed at the initial premise. They are challenging the assumption that support for the Israeli state and support for the conflict in Gaza are one in the same.

Gonna say as someone who has had sex so as not to hurt the other person's feelings and then felt like shit right after, and then became paranoid other relationships are doing the same thing- this hits hard.

Honestly it's amazing how sleep, diet, and exercise really are effective at overall happiness. Studies show that one of the best things you can do is to get the heart rate up, but it could be anything. Yoga, bicycling, or even running. Running really fast. Never stopping, no matter what. "Not like this, dear God not like this" you think as you fling yourself further and further into the forest. There is a sudden chill in the air as a fog rolls in over the snow. Moonlight is all that illuminates the forest, and fortunately the snow helps show a path, but not very far. You look down at the ground and you can see the bloodstains that leave a trail right to you. You lift each leg as much as you can in agony as your ski boots weigh you down. You know you can't hide, so the only thing is to try and get back to the ski patrol cabin. Someone is bound to be there and they could give you medical attention.

How you wish you had your skis. How you wish you didn't lose them when that... Thing separated you from Sam and you caught an edge and fell. You remember that Sam had the backpack with food and water, so survival for you will be much more difficult.

You keep digging your boots into the snow as if they were ice climbing spikes. Suddenly ahead you see a soft orange glow- a cabin. Could it be ski patrol? No it seems too residential. Could it be a vacation cabin? No, it has warped boards and broken windows. How could there be anyone inside to turn on a lamp?

But between freezing to death and going to a creepy cabin, you choose the cabin. You keep pushing up and up until you get to the door. You enter the cabin to see the glow is coming from the fireplace, and sitting in front of it is Sam! "Oh thank God!" You exclaim, but Sam doesn't turn around. Your heart pounds as you panic. "Sam?" You walk over to his body, but as soon as you touch him he falls to the side. You look and you see his hands were bound and his stomach was slashed open revealing his intestines. Well, most of them, there are chunks of his guts bitten off. You scream in horror as the harvested body of the only friend you had lays before you. Only last night Sam asked you to be his best man at his wedding. How are you going to tell the news to Sarah? She had already been through so much after having to deal with you and Sam being deployed for 18 months in Kuwait, and just as you finally get back from surviving desert storm he dies like this?

You suddenly hear a wet smacking and gnashing of teeth. It turns out there were three of you in the cabin. You spin around to see a man with blood all down his chin and wild eyes stairing back. He's eating bits of flesh as if it was a bit of beef jerky. He takes a deep, bone rattling inhale through the nose as if to smell you. You never thought this would be how it ends. You realize now you won't get the chance to tell what happened to Sarah. The ghost stories were real- it was him all along. You couldn't believe it, but there he was.

Shia LaBeouf

I mean I can tell you when I finally sucked it up and started running, my happiness went through the roof. If you are on that path to feel better, know that I am rooting for you! Just one step at a time.

I mean say what ya want but running with friends is great.

At least you thought it was.

Sam was just next to you a second ago, and then all of a sudden his heavy breathing went silent. You want to call out but the sound of gunfire silences you. You serpentine through the woods to try and avoid the bullets, but one grazes your shoulder. You keep sprinting as you hear the gun reloading. You come to a ravine as the trees get thicker. This is your chance to lose him. You zag along the stream for 50 feet and then run up to the wooded forest. You keep moving, never letting up. He who hesitates is dead.

In the clearing you find a shed- perhaps you can find something to hide under. You open the doors and you step back in horror. Sam was separated into 3 distinct pieces. Your heart drops as you see your friend, your brother in arms from the 22 battalion, lifeless in front of you. You go to leave the shed immediately, but when you go to open the door, it's locked.

He found you.

You look to the shadows quickly to see where he is, but the shed is empty. You go back to the door but again, it won't budge. As you go to the windows, you begin to smell gasoline seeping in under the floorboards, and then the sound of a match strike.

Within seconds the shed was ablaze. You begin to slam your boddy against the door- it needs to open. It must open. It starts to become hard to breathe, but you can't stop. The flames are beginning to lick your clothes as you feel the burns developing on your body. You keep rushing the door until finally you hear the wood splinter. Your burned body breaks through the door, but you fall immediately to the ground. While the fresh cool air comes as a relief to the lungs, the bark, twigs, leaves and dirt tear through your fragile skin. You yell in pain as you roll over to see the shed collapse from its own weight as the flames consumed the rest of it.

There was no doubt now that Sam was dead.

But that thought quickly broke as you felt the heal of a boot come down on your chest. You look up into the barel of a shotgun, and behind it is who you feared the most. The one your father told you about every night in his ghost stories when you were a child. You thought he was just a myth, but there he was.

Shia LaBeouf

Also usually when I run with my sister I play music and we have a traveling dance party, it's great!

Honestly, that's the way to do it. Just dress right, but push through. It doesn't matter if it's cloudy, rainy, snowing, hailing- you RUN. You know you can't stop. You have to find a way out. You pull out your phone to turn on the flashlight, but just as you get the flash to turn on, the At&t logo came up and your phone died. But in the flash you could swear you saw a barn in the distance, or at least something metallic. You keep moving towards it until you hear a car pull up. You didn't realize there was a road so close by, but as the headlights scan across the trees, you see what you thought was a Barn.

The cold lifeless eyes of Sam gazed past you as you are forced to see what remained of him. He had bled out from the throat, and it was clear that an animal didn't do this because the cut was clean and the knife used was pinning him into the tree. You shriek as the your friend who you knew since a child lay before you, but immediately find cover when you hear the car door slam shut. The light from the headlights stayed on as blades of light streamed past you into the forest beyond. You could hide in the shadows, but you don't know if they saw you, so you decided to stay put while you hear footsteps stumble through the forest. The leaves are crunching around, but not in any particular direction so you might have a chance. You press yourself closely to the tree when you hear the footsteps stop. Any hope you had of hiding was done and you knew it. It's time. Run.

You bolt out from the tree and run to the car that was still running. You hear an animalistic roar come from the thing that found you. You had a head start, and you are making the most of it. "Push push push" you tell yourself. You were a runner since a child and this is what you prepared for. You sprint to the car to find it's a 1990s Ford pickup truck. There's rust on the hood but the door is open. You get inside and close the door. The keys were left in the ignition so you slam reverse, turn around, and speed down the road.

You are driving as fast as you can as you hear the gravel popping and flying as you go. You look down at the fuel gauge and see that you are almost empty. You panic. Where are you going? You don't know, you just know you are going AWAY. Your heart suddenly lifts as you see a freeway sign ahead. You head for it, when suddenly the rear window smashes open. In your panic you hit the gas more, but the road curved. You swerve to catch the turn but you over steer. You slam on the break but it's too late. You see a tree flash in your headlights just as you smashed into it. Your head hits the steering wheel and you blackout for a moment, coming back dazed and confused, but you feel a hand at your throat. He had played the long game. He set the trap, and you took the bait. He waited for you every step of the way, and even when you pulled off the impossible, he still had you. Through the mashed window, the bloodied hand pulls you back out into the darkness. You finally get a good look. You heard the stories but you never wanted to believe them, but here he was, flesh and blood taking you to your death. Here he was.

Shia LaBeouf.

So basically you get to choose the kind of day you have, no matter the weather.

This reminds me of how when I was young, my dad would get us an extra order of desert when mom left to use the restroom. It was the best dad move. Ofc I was an anxiety case while trying to eat the ice cream before mom got back, it was that intense anxiety where it felt something was following you. Do you know? No. All you know is that every fiber in your being told you you needed get out of that old warehouse as soon as possible. You keep running, avoiding roots and rocks. You keep second guessing yourself. Where we alone? You look to see if Sam followed you but he's nowhere to be seen. You swear you two looked at eachother with the same chill just moments ago. You call out to him, but you hear nothing. You slow down and turn around but the sun has already set and the trees shroud any sense of direction. You call out again, but regret it instantly.

The weight of something big is coming.

You pick a direction and go in an all out sprint. You don't know where you are going but know whatever has been tracking you is behind you. You are now shrieking call for Sam but he is long gone. The ground below you shifts as you come to a steep decline. You stumble but catch yourself, only to find the moss on the ground won't hold you. You slip and roll into a ravine, and as you fall your ankle hits a rock. You don't know if it's broken but at this point you know that whatever is behind you is worse than the pain of each step. You are limping but moving, but now you are losing ground. The bushes burst open behind you and in the shock you fall back down, firmly breaking the leg you tried so hard to ignore. You turn over while you writhe in pain to see what remained of Sam being held by what couldn't be a man but couldn't be a beast. He comes forward smelling the air furiously. You didn't want to believe it, but Sam was taken and soon you will be too. In your final moments, a face finally comes 2 inches from yours.

You didn't want to believe things could go south so fast. You didn't want to believe Sam was dead. You didn't want to believe you never would sleep in your bed or eat rainbow Sherbet again. You didn't want to believe your eyes when you saw him-

Shia LaBeouf.

Anyway when mom came back dad would always take the heat for us, but he's a funny guy and mom couldn't stay mad for long.

I'm tired of figuring out what's gay or straight. I just wanna fuck in peace.