hopeposting

So I think I realized I hate myself but didn't realize it. I've been as outwardly focused as I could be for as long as I can remember. I love beeing a shoulder to cry on, to root on my friends as they improve their lives, and creating spaces where people come together to make music (I host weekly jams in Chicago).

But one thing I've noticed is I get really nervous when people start getting close to me. I've tried to have relationships, and pretty soon I just feel a pit of anxiety and things end pretty quick. Even friendships can make me feel nervous. I consider myself super extraverted, and I have no problem addressing large groups, but it's a very small club of people who I actually feel okay being me with.

Recently I realized I'm not in that club. I don't feel comfortable alone, and I thought that was just the extraversion, but I realized it's that I mostly ruminate on every shitty thing I've ever done and feel really bad. If I can't feel comfortable with myself, how can I feel comfortable showing that to anyone else?

My friend just got married, and he said the thing that he felt was the core of it was that he felt as comfortable being at home with his wife as he would being alone. That made me realize I'm not ready for a relationship right now.