It's way easier to accidentally misgender people you know than it is for a stranger. I sometimes misgender or deadname my sister because I've known her as a him with a different name way longer, and sometimes my brain just resets to factory default.
this post was submitted on 04 Oct 2023
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Yup, I've been there.
A friend of mine from the first job I had after high school transitioned maybe ten years ago (a time gap of about twenty years).
She would get pissed that I would deadname her, and sometimes use the wrong pronouns, partially because I would meet other trans people through her and never fuck up. I kept apologizing, and explained that it isn't intentional, it's just decades of brain patterns being laid down with the old name. It took me damn near five years to totally switch over without an occasional fuckup.
It's a thing, it turns out. Even the most supportive, staunch allies have trouble switching those patterns because they're kinda etched into the brain. It happens when people make other name changes too. Happens with titles after promotions, with surnames after marriage, or just random name changes for personal preference. Name changes during transition aren't any different in the amount of time it takes to switch gears.
Doesn't really make it any easier for the trans person, of course, but at least it can help them to know it isn't intentional.
Hell, I have friends who have changed their names for non-transy reasons. I just kinda suck with names to begin with, so it takes a minute for their names to click so I don't accidentally deadname Becky (yeah I wonder why she goes by her middle name now) and some of my other friends I've known since we were knee high to a grasshopper. Hell, one's my cousin and it can take me ten minutes to remember which variation of his name he's using this decade. It's kind of easier to remember my trans friends' new names because (at least with my friends specifically) their name change coincided with a look change and I'm a very visual person.
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Yeah, people gonna fuck up. Imo, better to assume mistake than malice
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I too have to check my license and probably also ask what year it is when anyone asks me how old I am.
I missed a job opportunity because in my CV I was 24yo, in the interview I said I was 26yo, then corrected myself and realized I haven't had my birthday this year.
Probably dodged a bullet if they are that uptight lol
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I spent a whole year thinking I was a year younger once.
From age 40, I keep forgetting how old I am by a year. I thought I was 41 throughout 40, and all through 41 I thought I was already 42. I’ll do the math every few months and realize the mistake, then forget about it and make the mistake again.
I'm 29 (maybe?), and this has been happening for a while.
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I would argue that making a mistake or not knowing does not count as misgendering.
The mistake is still a misgender. It's just whether it's interpreted as rude or not.
Once they are corrected, it will be MUCH easier to tell if they're intentionally being rude or not.
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Noo. You have to know the gender to commit the act of misgendering in the first place. You have to believe it is x and yet use y.
This. With normal people a simple correction is all is needed.
Transphobes will however misgender you repeatedly
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I thought we had a trans woman at work because some guy kept saying her name wrong. I thought he was being a bigot, turns out he just wasn't saying it right.
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Actually had to check my ID last week in order to remember my own birthday
Not too long ago, I was filling out a form and had to ask my wife my age. She had to think about it for a minute. We're the same age.
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Every person's birthday that im supposed to remember I usually am a day or two off. I consider that a win!
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