Transfem

maybe u should tell ur wifey that, that u know u should talk with him but right now just want to vent, sometimes its good letting things out without finding solutions for da things at the moment and it can help to address da thing in the future specially if u need to talk with someone cuz now u know better what u need to say :3 and being able to vent comfortably with ur partners is neat :3

Hey, it's OK to not be OK. You're avoiding your problems because it's easier than fixing them. That's normal, but it's also not the healthiest option available to you.

What works for me is to make appointments. Put time on your calendar for everything. Schedule a time to call the doctor and make an appointment for therapy. Set aside time to make plans with the people you want to see. Schedule a lunch with your friends and talk to them.

Making appointments tricks your brain into thinking it's out of your control, you have to make this call now because it's on the schedule. You need to ignore the ADHDemon that whispers in your ear to have a coffee and binge Netflix instead.

This is a space for you, your life is transfem experience. You are welcome to post here about whatever you're going through, this space exists to support you.

It is absolutely not your fault that you had to cut out people you knew pre-transition. You deserve friendship and love and emotional support. I think you should talk to your wife and tell her that you don't need her to tell you what to do, just to listen and understand and support you. Sometimes we don't need the "clever things" and just need someone to listen and acknowledge how we feel about something and tell us it's okay.

Girl you can't say all that and not tell us about what happened with your friend! I personally promise not to tell anyone 🤞

I also struggle with "triangulation" - when I have problem with person A (let's call them Alice), I go to person B (obviously named Bob) and vent about it with Bob so I don't blow up on Alice.

Sometimes a therapist is a better person to talk to than Bob, but they're not usually there for you when you need them (usually the venting is more immediate).

The triangulation with Bob is probably most unhealthy when it becomes a habituated way to enable dysfunction in your relationship with Alice, because the problem never gets addressed with Alice because you can work out all your frustration over the problem with Bob.

Sometimes it's best to just calm down first (without discharging all motivation or energy to deal with the problem with Alice), and then think through the right way to approach Alice and talk through the problem. This is where a therapist can be helpful: strategizing how to address the relationship problems. However, as you might guess this also can easily turn into emotional triangulation while appearing to be Entirely Healthy™️.

Anyway, I'm sorry - I hope you are able to take care of yourself and feel better. Sometimes when I'm sad and overwhelmed it's because of something else: I'm tired, hungry, over-worked, etc. and addressing those other things then make it easier for me to think more clearly and regulate my emotions better. I know that's easier said than done, but identifying what self-care you need and organizing around that can really help.

i now feel like my text could be interpreted with a nasty intonation on "clever things"? as in sarcasm or cynicism?

i didnt mean it that way, i love her and its just that idk what my problem is with that guy... i dont think it's him but my continued social distancing. i mean.. i dont mask, just as nobody does around here, except when we go to the doctor with a respiratory infection (though depending on the situation i might mask anyway) so it's not much but i hope by not going out unnecessarily and using social media as an ersatz social life... well rly its more like sitting on an island and waiting for a bottle to arrive... admin should actually ban me so i get out more or something... sorry now im rambling.. my main problem is probably my broccoli dependency. queue half-baked-esque-scene of the addicts-anonymous-self-help-group booing the protagoni...is he though? ok: main character, off the stage... if it wasnt for that, i would have more money and could afford a mask or one for all of my friends actually... one of those battery powered thingies or idk... this shitpiece simulacra of a life is getting on my nerves

thank you for talking to me

You sound frustrated with the situation and how none of the paths you can think of seem viable. It also sounds like you feel alone and disconnected because you feel you can't talk to the people close to you about this issue...

One thing you could try would be to write the problem down, park it for right now and try to do something that makes you feel better, or something that helps you feel connected to the people close to you.

It won't directly solve the problem, but it might break you out of walking in circles. Sometimes the brain comes up with better ideas when you give it a bit of time

Sadposts go here! This is a safe space to vent and let it out. Your experience is valid.

I can't speak much to the interpersonal stuff, but if you're able to find a good lgbtq experienced therapist, it can be really helpful. I also hate doctors and the healthcare system in general (despite being a nurse), but often queer therapists will be able to relate because of shared life experience.

https://www.outcarehealth.org/outlist/
This is a good resource to find lgbt friendly providers in your area. They require a training to be on the list - it's nothing extensive, but it does help ensure the providers listed understand the basics of problems lgbt patients face.

I hope you are able to talk to someone that can help. Good luck - you got this!