this post was submitted on 30 Aug 2023
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Union Lets Tom Cruise Act During Strike From Fear Of What He’ll Do When He Can’t Make Movies (www.theonion.com)
submitted 1 year ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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“You can tell there is an unrelenting darkness within him that can only be exorcised by jumping a motorcycle into a canyon or parachuting out of a plane in semi-orbit—and none of us wants to find out where that energy would be redirected were he not able to spend 17 hours a day performing stunts for a camera crew."

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[–] [email protected] 93 points 1 year ago (1 children)

The freakin Onion got me for a sec!

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

Wasn’t until I got to “unrelenting darkness” that I noticed

[–] [email protected] 58 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Came real close to biting the onion on this one.

However, you all fear what Cruise will do when he isn't constantly performing near-suicidal stunts. I fear what Scientology will do when they lose their main cash cow

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

Who’s the second most bankable celebrity Scientologist? Travolta’s a bit too old, though perhaps we’ll see a rash of prestige-TV roles pushing him as an elder statesman figure. Beyond that, they’d have to make Beck cut a chart-topping EDM album or something, or else start recruiting YouTube influencers to have a chance with the next generation.

[–] [email protected] 41 points 1 year ago (1 children)

lol but honestly I thought it was true before checking the source

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Ya... It felt right for some weird reason

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

I mean, the guy is a maniac.

[–] [email protected] 30 points 1 year ago

Glad to see The Onion's still got it lol

[–] [email protected] 15 points 1 year ago

We ate the onion.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 year ago

"Unrelenting darkness within him"? I thought that's why Uncle Xenu installed his Thetan pump so those can be sucked out like some sort of anti-midichlorians.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

I'd totally believe this story!

Good job, Onion!

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Whoops, my breath smelling like onions today…

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago

Tastes good. Onions back on the menu.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago

I got got on this one, holy shit

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago

Totally ate the onion on this one, but then it got me thinking of a giant Tom Cruise shooting lasers from his eyes and wrecking DC. Hmmm...

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

LOL. As I was reading the summary, I thought "man, this reads like an article from The Onion". And sure enough, it is!

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

Tom cruise is a horcrux prove me wrong.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

Where’s Shelly Tom?!

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

Duh, Scientology will fup their lives