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they're supportive of trans people until its their own kid. matching the furniture is a pretty apt comparison, because time and time again ive seen parents who were "progressive" be absolutely destroyed over their kid being trans, because somehow that makes the kid they raised "gone" in their eyes. its very dumb and stupid and also why im not out to my "progressive" parents bc im completely sure they'll react like that too
This shit sucks so hard and my friend I think is going through it with her mom who she expected to be totally fine. My dad is just reactionary and transphobic. Mom... idk. We'll see what happens but I'm not coming out until necessary
Don't get me wrong, I think gender reveal parties are ridiculous as well, but what would your guys opinion be on how gender assignment should be handled at birth?
I have a (cis) daughter and would be fully supportive if she came out as non-binary or trans, but as a parent I still want her to be able to socialise with other kids and that means that there just are some societal standards we have to conform to in order for her to be accepted by her peers. It's not like I can raise her as this gender neutral entity until she is old enough to grasp the "gender is a social construct" thing, especially not if I would take things away from her she enjoys or might enjoy.
Reshaping how society thinks is a slow burn matter, and getting mad at people for conforming to current standards or for being happy that they are having a child won't help them see your point of view.
i'm not advocating for people to not know what gender a kid was assigned at birth or anything (in the short term, it would be nice to live in that world someday), just be chill about it. don't make it a big deal, don't go have a party to celebrate it, and when you tell people don't frame it as you being incredibly excited to have a baby of the gender they've been assigned. don't say "my partner and i are having a baby!" and then later go "oh my god i'm so happy it's a boy!" or anything like that
i mean, i might still get a little grumpy if you feel the need to tell me about how you got the ultrasound and saw your kids genitals but i recognize that that's not actually that big a deal if you're chill about the other stuff and i probably won't think less of you
i know some people that raised their kids degendered (re: not referring to them as she/her or w.e., only by name, until the kid 'picks a side'). its been a bit now and the kids are pretty well adjusted and seem to have a better understanding of how gender works and the ridiculousness of how we assign certain things to certain genders. honestly not sure if thats specifically how id raise a kid, but its interesting i guess
I wish we lived in the kind of society many North Americans had - you know, before the settlers wiped them out. kids weren't gendered and their names were neutral and temporary until they announced their adult names and genders at a coming out ceremony. literally broke down sobbing in public when I read about it in an anthropology book because of how much kinder and humane such a system is. obviously that's not something you can implement on your own but you can deemphasize a kid's assigned sex at birth and give leave them space to tell you who they are when they know it for themselves.
You can still see that in some indigenous communities today. The one near me does that. It varies with others. Some are much more rigid with gender roles while others aren't.
My personal opinion? Keep it relatively gender neutral but raise your kids as their assigned gender until further notice and maybe talk to them about how GNC and trans identities are OK and stuff.
The fact that gender reveal parties aren't a trans thing is a failure on the part of trans and cis alike
it's cause trans people are generally terrified when they're coming out and ready to pull a deer and bolt out of the room at the first sign of trouble. now that I've been out for years, coming out is whatever and I could handle a party, but I couldn't have handled it was fresh.
Would you be less terrified of possible transphobic pushback if you had rigged all your interlocutors up to explosives with an explosion in the trans colors
hmm, I think I'd be terrified of accidentally setting them off if it turned out they weren't transphobic but I got too fidgety or excited at their response. can I leave the trigger in the hands of a trusted trans mentor?
I think that would be fine. But I think you're socially obligated to help others rig up their explosives at that point.
ofc, at this point I'm the trans mentor more than the baby trans anyway
Okay so we have a group of people building improvised explosives to send up pink and cyan smoke into the air, to reveal a gender identity and it's not trans people
I'm cis but if I was trans and came out you bet your sweet ass we'd have a reveal party with cake and cocktails.
I'm always down for cake and cocktails whatever the occasion
At this point in my life, they'd probably be vegan pot brownies instead of cake. Unless someone can find me a solid German Choc vegan recipe. There's still be pot tho. And Yellow Tail cab because I'm poor.
Yeah I've always found it so weird when cishet coworkers would talk about this stuff as if there's no reason I could find it weird. One coworker in particular, in between telling me about her gender reveal for her then-current pregnancy, would also tell me about how effeminate one of her sons is in a lightly mocking tone. And it's like, how do you expect me to react to that?
“Gender reveal parties” are the worst cracker suburbanite attempt at manufacturing culture.
iirc the lady who invented them has disavowed after all the death and wildfires
gender assignment parties were always dumb but she didn't want that heat
She's also changed her mind after her daughter came out as GNC. To quote the original gender-revealed child: "Mom, there are many genders. Mom, there's many different sexualities and all different types".
Cracker holidays:
S tier: Halloween
A tier:
B tier:
C tier: Christmas
D tier:
E tier:
F tier: Gender reveal party
St Patrick's Day gotta be B tier at least
The Catholic university near my home town always had drunken riots in the streets on St. Patrick's Day.
That's S Tier in my book
Christmas is not C tier
Ive never been to a gender reveal party or ever heard of anyone doing this irl. Who the fuck does shit?
Cishet people.
Wow.... I don't have many close friends with kids so I've never really considered this since starting to transition. But yeah, can we just go gender neutral and have a normal baby shower to celebrate the baby is healthy and not an Lovecraftian horror?
Idk, I rarely see someone disappointed at a gender reveal party. "Aw? Pink smoke? Sucks to you be you, shitbag" is not the standard response to someone hosting a big party in celebration of their next kid.
Admittedly, I don't typically associate with families that think they are the next House of Windsor and needed a suitable number of male heirs to maintain the dynasty. So maybe you really do get people throwing little temper tantrums because they didn't get the gender of child they wanted. But it has mostly seemed like an excuse to make a loud bang noise, release some colored smoke and confetti, and clap without any real consideration for what the gender will be.
oh i definitely hear people being disappointed. a coworker was ranting about his niece's gender disappointing him! not even for like, rich person reasons. just gender essentialism, like pure "i wanted to be a cool uncle to a boy and that's been stolen from me" type entitlement
like i cannot emphasize enough this is just because many people view children as basically accessories whose gender is only important as an aesthetic they want. they want to raise a boy because they'd like to paint their kids room blue and play baseball or a girl because they want to paint a room pink and watch disney princess movies. zero actual consideration for children as beings that could have any thoughts on things
one of my coworkers talks constantly about how he wishes one of his daughters was a son and how he's always cajoling his wife into bearing him another child so he can get his matching set
he wishes one of his daughters was a son
We can make it happen. We have the technology.
he's always cajoling his wife into bearing him another child so he can get his matching set
I've heard this sentiment before. I've even heard of folks doing IVF just to guarantee gender.
But that tends to be a separate phenomena from the Gender Reveal Party, which is more about making a spectacle of the reveal than being invested in the outcome.
definitely a different angle but i see it all as broadly related phenomena, like it's all rooted in a weird and very disconcerting obsession with one's child-accessory embodying all the things one associates with that gender rather than letting the child be their own person. the gender reveal is just announcing all of that to the world in a super obnoxious way and i do think if you're motivated to do that then at least one of the parents is invested in that outcome
I'll be honest. I never knew gender reveal parties were even a thing until a couple years ago. The idea sounds so ridiculous. Is this a recently American thing? I don't even remember it ever happening when I lived there.
The parties and elaborate displays really took off in the mid-2010s, but it was often a big deal to announce it.
ETA: also, the original reveal party was done by a "mommyblogger" who held it because she and her partner were excited about their pregnancy after dealing with infertility issues. Slightly more understandable, but then people ran off with the concept. As others mentioned down thread, she has disavowed the concept since then and also hans a gnc child fwiw.
Gender reveal parties are cool because people blow stuff up.
Trans people should have gender reveal parties too.
Why turn down a chance to celebrate a person weather it’s because of a label assigned to them by everyone else or their own recognition and revelation?
My sister and I were discussing how to refer to our cousin's child a while ago - my sister said we needed to use "she", because that's what our cousin uses, while I said we should use "they" because they're too young to understand gender, or "it" because the baby is entirely dependent on its parents for everything, making it a mildly animate object, like a furby or tamagotchi.
My sister said I was absolutely not allowed to use "it".
"it" because the baby is entirely dependent on its parents for everything, making it a mildly animate object, like a furby or tamagotchi. My sister said I was absolutely not allowed to use "it".
Wtf, don't use it...