The Onion

WASHINGTON—Following hours of meetings with lawmakers to try to shore up U.S. support for his country, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky reportedly grabbed whatever office supplies he could get his hands on in the Capitol Thursday, saying he needed them for war. “We really need a bunch of these staplers for the war effort,” said the Ukrainian leader, snatching up dozens of black Swingline staplers and adding them to a growing armful of paper clips, tape dispensers, and rubber bands that he had already swiped from Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer’s desk as they wrapped up a private conversation earlier this afternoon. “We’re nearing the two-year mark in this war with no major breakthroughs and a vast deficit in printer paper that is quickly being depleted by all the, uh, war plans and stuff. That’s why we need your continued financial support, as well as any of these binder clips you have lying around, to clamp onto Russian forces. Look, our brave men are on the front lines as we speak, fighting for their lives and their country without stacks of manila folders they can stand on to get a better view of the enemy. But with your help, and this half-empty bottle of nondairy powdered creamer, we may stand a chance after all.” At press time, Zelensky admitted he stole the extra toilet paper rolls from the bathroom because it would be super annoying to stop at the store on his way home.