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Venting/advice: I have coworkers who speak to me like I'm a child (I'm damn near 30) and mask their bullying behind toxic positivity (hexbear.net)

submitted 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

19 comments fedilink hide all child comments

Edit: I’m going to sleep, I’m not ignoring you if it takes like 12 hours for a response.

I can elaborate if you have questions that help clear things up, suffice it to say I’m doing normal ass things and they’ll walk by and pat me on back saying “good job” in the voice one uses when a puppy begs to be let out instead of pissing on the floor.

How the fuck do I go to HR and not sound paranoid/persecution complex” about this? They took it a step further today and the meat department asshole I’ve posted about wanting to duel (damn the consequences) about before slapped my shoulder (I’m not even comfortable with a gentle pat) and said “what a perfectly adequate job you’re doing”. Of course the house trained ….pick a word that I am said “thanks for the compliment”.

I’m going to lose my job after flipping out if I allow them to continue this, yet alone escalating.

Advice?

P.S the people I work with in my department are basically just normies. No better or worse than average American. The deli guy fucking called me little one and I’m still pissed about that because I have a height complex even though Reddit losers have turned into that meaning child and I can’t tell which direction he meant it in.

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[–] [email protected] 13 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (2 children)

Sorry I think my advice is shitty but just trying to think through what I'd do in your situation.

How would it go down if next time they 'complimented' you, you asked "Do you mean that sincerely?" they may need to double down and actually explain how they were praising your work, shifting it into a commendation on your work from then on. That's a a tick in your favour w HR as you can then say "I was consistently praised for my work". Or they'll have to come clean and admit it's sarcastic, in which case they're admitting harassment.

Idk basically asking them to out themselves in a less confrontational way. However I don't think it'll change their attitude so it's maybe a lost cause in the long run, they'll probably find other ways to get back at you.

Edit: I mean like it sounds as though this is the approach you're already using re. your 'house trained' comment. Ig I'm too housebroken too

[–] [email protected] 7 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (1 children)

The fact you are trying to give advice is worth something by itself, I would never say a person trying to help should stop because they aren’t good at it. The emotion behind trying is alone helpful in and of itself.

They’d probably just say something like “of course I meant, you do such a good job” and it would pile. Or maybe I’m dooming.

That’s the thing, I’m ND. I’ve been bullied in various forms my entire life and the only “benefit” is I’m good at repressing. I may be over sharing and too unfiltered on here, but afk I can wish I could I flay a person and have them think I’m too dumb to understand the way they treat me.

I’m not good at deception tbh, too literal, my only fear is giving away the game and them taking a subtler approach. I want to get this person fired.

I like the idea though, I’ll think on it. Maybe with enough time I can either spin it the way you said in an honest manner or just maybe they’ll get bored

[–] [email protected] 5 points 6 months ago (1 children)

I've got my hackles raised reading about this, I'm really pissed off on your behalf because I can totally see them just sarcastically going "Oh yes of course I'm genuine" and thinking that they're being oh so subtle. But yeah maybe I'm thinking about verbal jiu jutsu rather than the evident misconduct others have raised re the unwelcome touching. When I've been in the same situation (condescended to) I've just kept my head down and waited tip they or I move on... which is why I'm not confident in my ability to give actionable, legally sound advice.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (1 children)

That really does mean a lot. I would have been fine with people telling me to suck it up or to inquire further to see if it’s real or perceived , but you came in swinging with genuine attempts to help.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 6 months ago (1 children)

I'll just throw an alternative perspective comrade. Instead of confronting them in the moment, do so out of the context of an aggressive act. You might even say "I don't need you to praise me for my work, just tell me when I'm not doing something right please". You might put more thought into that, but I feel there's a way to give that sense.

I'll just say whenever I get praise, even sincerely for exceptional work, I have a lot of trouble with it. So it's not like it's not a real feeling (even divorced from passive aggressive bullying type situations).

I'd just say (and I mentioned this above and in my other comment), whatever you do, do it outside of an incident. You're less likely to fight/argue/etc

[–] [email protected] 2 points 6 months ago

That’s good advice. I don’t particularly enjoy praise either, even if I know it’s genuine.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 6 months ago (1 children)

How would it go down if next time they 'complimented' you, you asked "Do you mean that sincerely?" they may need to double down and actually explain how they were praising your work, shifting it into a commendation on your work from then on.

Idk if someone’s trying to neg them, then asking for clarification is opening the door for more bullying. In this scenario I wouldn’t hold my breath for someone to stop being an asshole out of good faith. I really hate being patronized so I would probably go nuclear pretty easy over this specific issue lol.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago)

I agree, I also probably didn't explain my thoughts as clearly as I could have. I was thinking that if you forced them to either let you reframe their comment as, to all intents and purposes and to all spectators, as genuine praise, then the only other option would be to admit it was insincere. Of course yes, this probably means they may, instead of just getting bored, instead just ditch the negging and move on to other forms of bullying.

Also yeh, workplace bullying isn't gotchas and 4d chess. Going through formal channels and raising grievances assertively and appropriately is better, so I'm not wedded to the thought bubble of what I would try first.