traaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnns
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CW: More sex talk
I have been and currently am in the exact same boat as you (minus the ex part). As a warning, my advice isn't fun, but it is what worked for me, kinda.Up until a few months into HRT, I used my penis to have sex with my partner. It wasn't the worst thing in the world, but I certainly didn't like it much. It solved the problem of I'm horny, she's horny, do this and we're not horny anymore. However, we had to take a break for a few months because surgery, but we did it eventually have sex again. This time, it sent me into a wild spiral of dysphoria that took me a while to recover from because of the exact question you posed yourself. "Am I even trans?" After recovering from that extreme spiral of dysphoria, I came to a solution. It was to simply take a secondary role in sex and not bother with my penis or my own pleasure. I simply pleasured her and when she finished, I was finished. That means I've simply not had any active role in sex for a long time now, but it also means that I'm not falling into deep depression because I used my dick.
This is not an easy mindset to get into and just straight up might not work for you. After all, I'm mostly a top with other women so it wasn't any sort of issue. I also garner pleasure from the pleasure of others. So who knows. It might work for you. I genuinely hope you do find a solution though. Your situation is a very unfun one to be in.
I think it is made even more complicated since it's with my ex, but yeah. I may consider this.
spoiler
The thing is... I kinda like using it? It just leaves me questioning and feeling weird. And there are so many women who top in a gay way. I just don't know how to top in a gay way haha. The secondary Weird feelings are that I'm scared I'm falling back into a relationship with my ex. There are a few reasons why I really shouldn't do that and the first being that I can't be in a relationship rn at all. I need to be self focused. But the second is that I'm trying to figure out what I want in a relationship, and I kinda wanna try dating guys too because I've just never given that a shot. Idk I'm venting now ๐