doomer

So many companies are going to shit out cheap low effort AI generated content. You already see this kind of shit on mobile and only it's going to get easier and easier.

AI is incompatible with for profit art.

I feel like writing this is asking for pity or something, but I just want to express this feeling I have.

I had a family who took my childhood from me and had me in service to their needs instead. I wasn't allowed to be innocent - I had to look after my siblings and be a therapist for my parents.

I wasn't allowed to say no or to feel. I was ignored and overlooked because I met their needs and somehow found the energy to meet mine enough to go to college. I was threatened with homelessness if I didn't go to college and I was promised my education would be paid for. Instead, I got into a school and had to take out loans.

I took care of myself as an adult, but my conditioning was such that I jumped to my family's rescue whenever their lives imploded. Family was supposed to look out for each other, and I had the assumption that they would do the same for me in a similar situation.

I never let myself get into that situation. I walked to Coin Star with my change jar to pay for gas money, refusing to need them. I doubted they would come to my rescue, but I didn't want to spend my one rescue on something I could take care of myself.

I struggled independently and found the resources to help my family every time for over a decade of my adult life. I worked and saved and carved out a life for myself.

And then the pandemic started. I got another degree and I was on top of the world for two days before a family emergency called me back to reality. I put my career on hold and suffered a terrible financial loss that same year. But I know my (relative) would be dead right now if it weren't for me.

But then when I asked for time to recover from my own hardships, I was met with the same shaming they always gave me. They asked why I couldn't be financially established not two weeks after getting out of the hospital. Like I wasn't the one taking them to physical therapy. Making office calls. Acting as an unpaid caseworker, nurse, driver, cook, and housekeeper.

I thought this time would be different - I did so much that I thought it was incontrovertible how much I contributed. That I would be allowed the space to breathe for a little bit without the fault-finding coming back in full.

I thought they would see me for the work I did for them. I thought they would treat me with love and acceptance. I thought I would finally be seen.

I'm struggling now to get back to a semblance of where I once was. I'm not living up to my potential. I know that's bullshit phrasing and oversimplifying my situation. But it's hard. I finally went no contact, but it feels like something broke in me.

I tried so hard to be treated with decency by the people who were supposed to love me and I failed. I know they failed me, but I see the effort and energy I put into caring about others at cost to myself and I just can't justify wanting to do anything anymore.

I don't want to try. I can just keep my mask on and work as the world passes me by. I don't see trying as getting me anything I wanted or needed because I can't remember a time where it has.

I know this isn't true, but the feeling is so hard to shake.

I'm getting therapy and I'm finally seeing the extent of the damage done to me before I was old enough to understand, but it's so much. It's just digging and digging and digging until I'm so tired that I forget why I'm even doing it in the first place.

I'm trying so hard to keep going and I only do so because I don't want to make good people sad or bad people happy.

I still try even though the deepest part of me feels like it's pointless. I know it's not pointless, but I just feel pain every time I start to think things could get better.

I just needed to get this out there because I don't have anywhere else to put this, but if this resonates with anyone, how did you get out of this mindset?

Central Tokyo logs 27.7 C on Sunday, record-high temperature for March

KYODO NEWS

Central Tokyo experienced a record-high temperature for March at 27.7 C on Sunday as a high-pressure system brought summer-like heat to parts of the Japanese archipelago, according to the country's weather agency. The high was marked at 12:26 p.m. in Tokyo's Chiyoda Ward, according to the Japan Meteorological Agency, which made it the hottest temperature recorded in March since data began being collected in 1876.

The previous record-high temperature for the central area of the Japanese capital in the month was 25.3 C, logged on March 10, 2013. Other cities, including Yokohama, south of Tokyo, and Miyazaki in southwestern Japan, also saw temperatures reach 25 C or higher, defined by the agency as a "summer day."

Rant

The net gets less fun every day. kyodonews.net was awful and a super-memory hog. It froze up my browser. Even with Adblock - god only knows what crap the site was trying load just for me to look at a ~200 words.

Other sites nag me.

Turn off Adblock! Turn off Adblock! Turn off Adblock!

I'm just going to use Ublock anyway.

Holy shit people under capitalism are fucking evil towards the most vulnerable people.

How many boomers are losing their shit over kids committing petty crimes is insane.

You'd think they'd click that it's because of poverty and, you know, there being NO FUCKING FUTURE.

But no, old people are screeching about how kids are little shits that need to be punished even more. They want to just arrest everyone and create career criminals instead of solving the real root causes behind it (poverty, capitalism, lack of society caring about their problems).

They act as though this was caused because "people are too nice to their kids now."

Holy shit, are you joking?

These poor fucking kids man.

I hate that the media can just heard old people like this, stop them from seeing issues created by powerful adults by attacking literal children.

It's the most obvious fash propaganda technique and yet they fall for this kind of shit all the time

Society has been turned into child sacrificing monsters, what hope so we have of a better future if THIS is what the people with the most power believe.

A species that eats its own children is doomed to extincton.

Your servant here, he has been told

To say it clear, to say it cold

It's over, it ain't going any further

And now the wheels of heaven stop

You feel the devil's riding crop

Get ready for the future: It is murder

I want to talk about it, but at the same time I don't.

Fuck me. I'm such an idiot.

Slightly older interview with the Indian writer Amitav Ghosh. He points out that a lot of anxiety over climate change is related to anxiety over the end of Western dominance, because the tropics are already experiencing climate driven catastrophe on top of the damage done by colonialism:

The West has also come to rely on what Ghosh calls "an expert discourse" from scientists. The result, he believes, is that science is giving fearful westerners a hope in business-friendly "sustainable development," biofuels, or carbon-capture technology, which they think will save the system before it collapses.

The alternative, a massive-scale economic adaptation to a new distribution of resources, is too scary to consider: The end of capitalism would be as bad as the end of the world.

"The people who saw the climate crisis first are at the absolute other end: farmers, fishermen, Inuit, indigenous peoples, forest peoples in India, and they've already had to adapt, mainly by moving, finding new livelihoods," says Ghosh. "And indigenous peoples have already lived through the end of the world and found ways to survive."

It's a grim sort of optimism, but it is a reminder that there are opportunities to adapt and persist if we don't push our biosphere to the point of collapse in an effort to maintain a failed system. We're not going to do that, right?

it's cool

It's from the NYT. If you want to skip the Russia bashing and go right to the scenario - go to 1:04

In this fictionalized audio scenario, Times Opinion imagines the aftermath of one nuclear strike

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/03/04/opinion/nuclear-attack-scenario.html

Love it. Great system we got here.

He'll be out in the road there with nothing to do and nobody to do it to. He'll say where did everybody go. And that's how it will be.

I guess I just need to put my thoughts down somewhere. I'm not a big fan of journaling because it doesn't really ever feel like I actually get them out of my head, but I only got one friend who I can tell anything to, she's a wonderful transwoman who I've known since we were kids and has struggled with addiction like myself in her life and does a great job of helping distract me and push me to be a better person, but I don't always feel good about using her as a person to vent to because I worry thats all our relationship turns into and she's not my therapist. I dont have one of those either cuz I guess I dont have a lot of hope in therapy doing much good. I tried it once and my guy just told me to practice mindfulness. Problem is I cant seem to get out of my own head most days unless I smoke or drink. Smoking makes me paranoid and tbh pretty lazy. Drinking helps me give into bad impulses (like posting here or publicly) and I get even less work done when I drink. So here I am just trying to vent.

I just feel really inadequate. I dont like being alone, I grew up with good parents and two older sibs who are like a decade older than me and remember crying when they went to college. My mom and dad werent really outwardly romantic, but I remember my dad buying mom flowers and him and my mom are working class heroes who worked hard to get us all the essentials and a little more. They still try to help me and my sibs fianancially and emotionally, but I just cant be like them, I keep making mistakes in life and cant seem to stop myself. I really want a life partner, if not a whole family to love and provide for, but since I cant really take care of myself it doesnt seem like I can do that, let alone date or have healthy sexual relationships. I worry alot, I was diagnosed with general anxiety five or so years ago and I probably have ADHD. I get paranoid about things too and I rely on my friends and family alot, but even tho I really lucked out in a lot of ways in the birth lottery I just cant seem to feel good about myself. I want to be able to help people but I just keep finding ways to hurt people I genuinely care about, friends, family, people I have romantic feelings for.

It feels like every time I'm on to something good I find a new, or old, way to self sabotage and fuck it all up. Even here I can be really rude and just plain mean to all you fine people. Why cant life be better for me and all the people I personally care about? I'm not strong enough to help those people, let alone humanity. I have a lot of love in my heart, that's why I'm a communist, I want things to be better for everyone, even the people who are ass. But I also have a lot of hate in my heart, thats why I'm also a communist. Hate myself, but I also hate the ghouls who inflict pain and misery on a massive scale because fuck that, life could be so much happier for all of us. I just want us all to be happy, but if I cant be genuinely grateful for the good things in life, like a good family and friends who put up with my bullshit then how am I ever going to help other people who have it so much worse than me?

Idk how to end this vent, there's too much to think about and worry about and it feels selfish. I just wish I could get a hug and have someone tell me its all gonna be ok. Does that mean I still havent grown up yet, even tho I'm already an adult? Fuck, I have work tomorrow in six hours but I have trouble sleeping. Thanks tho if you read all of that, you weirdos make me feel less alone and I think thats the thing that really scares me the most.

Update: Thank you comrades for all the kind words. I'm doing better already. I took my lil guy, who looks exactly like matapacos, , to the dog park yesterday and I had a friendly conversation with an older lady and her dog Lucy. Things are looking up!

I guess first quarter is usually the worst time in the year to job hunt but holy shit it’s fucking bleak out here. I live in a well populated college town in the south and 90% of job listings are nursing or something highly specialized. Slim pickings for the rest of us. Feels like my biology degree is totally useless when I can’t even get a call back from McDonalds lol. I’m so cooked

Thanks for your kind words and reassurances. I think I am doing better today. It was late and I needed to let the anxiety and fear out, but didn't want to disturb my loved ones and make them worry as well. I know I don't post often and took a long sabbatical after the struggles of first opening this site back in its Chapo.chat days, but Grandma Posadas has always been checking in on her dear comrades!

I mentioned terrible family news and it's that my harpies aunt's had been relentlessly and maliciously suing their brother, my dad, for the past several years over the inheritance of the mother. It's a whole.family drama that honestly I think I should write a book about. And in a ruling that I think was even a shock to the Plaintiffs, the judge ruled 100% in favor of them.

As such my dad now has to give over all of the inheritance, a modest fortune but not a lot, as well as the $600,000 the aunts wasted on this stupid neverending lawsuit. They are trying to figure out what to do, whether or not to appeal. For him defending himself was never about the money, but to prove that he was a good son to his dying mother. He alone was the one making sure her last years were as comfortable and safe as possible and it was us the family his mother constantly spurned, who gave her the love and the affection she needed before she passed on, something that she honestly did not deserved, but got. That's just the way my family is.

My dad was and is still planning on retiring from his job this year, the day he turns 70, and although this judgement can't touch his house or retirement fund, many things like his car and the collection of vintage Italian and Japanese racing bikes that he restores as a hobby could all be taken away from him. Even things like furniture or other assets can be asked to be sold off to pay the judgement. Plus it's going to mess up how he was going to spend his retirement with my mom, travelling in a RV across the country with their lifelong friends. Not to mention how it will make it harder for them to be able to support my sister who is a few months away from having her first child and with me and my healthcare.

I don't know why I'm posting this, maybe I just want people to know about the grave injustice that has been done. At least it has convinced my mom that the justice system in this country is absolutely broken.

If you're intrigued by family drama, feel free to ask questions and I'll answer best I can without giving away enough to find where I live!

Xoxo Miss B. Posadas.

For the first time in my life I had to call some cops, to ask them to step and issue a noise violation. It is nearly 11pm, my family had received the most terrible news that day, and I was on hour 60 of being awake. After what has been the absolute most insane emotional, physical and mental rollercoaster of my life, I finally was drifting into sweet slumber the music began. I tried to fall asleep despite it, but it was no use. This neighbor has been loud before and most times I can ignore it, and sleep through, but this insomnia has a grip on me that I have seen in years.

I went down and knocked on his door and was meet with "WHY YOU POUNDING ON MY Door and man aggressive stepping out. I asked him please I have not slept in two days and I cannot sleep with you music on. He said it sound like I had a personal problem and he slammed he door in my face. The music was turned up instead of down, and Hexbear... I cracked. I am a transwoman living alone, I have been on HRT long enough that my muscle density is gone. I have low ciswoman levels of estrogen in my blood. And this man has menaced me before pounding on my door to accuse me of calling the cops on them on a previous time they were loud, when I had not. They said that I had better not EVER call the cops on him

I had to call 911 and ask them to issue a sound violation. I talked to the cops to give a statement, because frankly, this man scares me. He 6 foot something, towers above my 5"9' seems to always a baclava, when not in his home and is ripped.

And now adrenal is pumping through me and I may be to scared to sleep. I don't want the hallucinations Hexbear, these insomnia waking nightmares again.

Oh god.

Edit: I got like 4 hours of sleep. It's not enough, but it's something.

In a handful of decades, worsening air quality may divide everyone into those who can thrive “in-dome” anywhere, no matter how bad the air outside is, and those who can afford no such protections, and must endure the harrowing consequences: more frequent illness, earlier death.

Another measles outbreak. FL elementary school. 6 cases so far. Index case didn't travel. 200 kids unvaccinated. All not great news. FL surgeon gen says unvaccinated kids can continue to go to school.

This is unprecedented. Unvaccinated kids need to stay home for 21 days during an outbreak. Why? A very real chance of infection, hospitalization, death or serious damage to the immune system.

Tweet

It really feels like the world is ending. I really don't think I can function in this cyberpunk dystopia.

Help. I want to wake up now please. I want out.

Not sure how else I can say it. Fucking no person I’ve talked to is ever going to retire, own a house or even have the slightest prospect of a fulfilled life. There is a LinkedIn/business side to America where people are doing the whole nuclear family song and dance while regurgitating corporate jargon and turning into soulless drones (upper middle class and beyond) AND there is the extremely powerless and disorganized service working class (many whom have died from COVID).

I said to myself for the longest time that I’m just extremely online and shit isn’t that bad, but nah shit is more than that bad. I haven’t even touched on the incoming climate crisis or the genocide happening in Gaza.

it's so over