Magician

Fun Magician extended universe lore - this was the podcast that broke my liberal brain and pushed me towards communism.

From Wikipedia:

Mueller, She Wrote is a political podcast hosted by Allison Gill, a military veteran who worked at the United States Department of Veterans Affairs. It mixes comedy, legal commentary and political analysis, from a liberal perspective, and centers on the Mueller investigation. The original co-hosts were San Diego comedians Jordan Coburn and Jaleesa Johnson; the latter has since left the show due to a pay dispute.

I remember feeling lost after trump got elected and hoped that something would come of the Mueller report. It's wild to think I believed an FBI investigation run by a Republican would to anything to shake up the system, but there were plenty of people who believed it.

These hosts would give updates on the investigation and other bits of news, but it started feeling hollow around the third 'this time he's really in trouble!' story.

The simping for Mueller like he was going to solve things felt hollower and hollower until I stopped listening altogether.

I read up on them a few years later and saw them vote shaming people who were considering withholding their vote for healthcare and student debt forgiveness. I also found out they benefited from PPP loans they didn't have to reimburse. Hypocrisy exposed is an empty victory, but it felt vindicating to know leaving that whole bubble was a good decision.

Finally, I hate the logo so much. Like they were doing investigative journalism or something by collecting headlines from news websites.

I dunno. I just wanted to air out my vitriol while it was fresh.

Did anybody else follow it or similar podcasts before moving left?

I feel like writing this is asking for pity or something, but I just want to express this feeling I have.

I had a family who took my childhood from me and had me in service to their needs instead. I wasn't allowed to be innocent - I had to look after my siblings and be a therapist for my parents.

I wasn't allowed to say no or to feel. I was ignored and overlooked because I met their needs and somehow found the energy to meet mine enough to go to college. I was threatened with homelessness if I didn't go to college and I was promised my education would be paid for. Instead, I got into a school and had to take out loans.

I took care of myself as an adult, but my conditioning was such that I jumped to my family's rescue whenever their lives imploded. Family was supposed to look out for each other, and I had the assumption that they would do the same for me in a similar situation.

I never let myself get into that situation. I walked to Coin Star with my change jar to pay for gas money, refusing to need them. I doubted they would come to my rescue, but I didn't want to spend my one rescue on something I could take care of myself.

I struggled independently and found the resources to help my family every time for over a decade of my adult life. I worked and saved and carved out a life for myself.

And then the pandemic started. I got another degree and I was on top of the world for two days before a family emergency called me back to reality. I put my career on hold and suffered a terrible financial loss that same year. But I know my (relative) would be dead right now if it weren't for me.

But then when I asked for time to recover from my own hardships, I was met with the same shaming they always gave me. They asked why I couldn't be financially established not two weeks after getting out of the hospital. Like I wasn't the one taking them to physical therapy. Making office calls. Acting as an unpaid caseworker, nurse, driver, cook, and housekeeper.

I thought this time would be different - I did so much that I thought it was incontrovertible how much I contributed. That I would be allowed the space to breathe for a little bit without the fault-finding coming back in full.

I thought they would see me for the work I did for them. I thought they would treat me with love and acceptance. I thought I would finally be seen.

I'm struggling now to get back to a semblance of where I once was. I'm not living up to my potential. I know that's bullshit phrasing and oversimplifying my situation. But it's hard. I finally went no contact, but it feels like something broke in me.

I tried so hard to be treated with decency by the people who were supposed to love me and I failed. I know they failed me, but I see the effort and energy I put into caring about others at cost to myself and I just can't justify wanting to do anything anymore.

I don't want to try. I can just keep my mask on and work as the world passes me by. I don't see trying as getting me anything I wanted or needed because I can't remember a time where it has.

I know this isn't true, but the feeling is so hard to shake.

I'm getting therapy and I'm finally seeing the extent of the damage done to me before I was old enough to understand, but it's so much. It's just digging and digging and digging until I'm so tired that I forget why I'm even doing it in the first place.

I'm trying so hard to keep going and I only do so because I don't want to make good people sad or bad people happy.

I still try even though the deepest part of me feels like it's pointless. I know it's not pointless, but I just feel pain every time I start to think things could get better.

I just needed to get this out there because I don't have anywhere else to put this, but if this resonates with anyone, how did you get out of this mindset?

I'm in the fortunate space of guilt-free posting. Talk about weird shit or whatever.

It's weird, in the moment, I get blindsided by an interaction and only after it's over to I realize I said or went along with things I didn't want to. I'm trying so hard not to talk to people and I want to change that. I'm avoiding people because I'm scared of interacting and getting it wrong.

I can protect myself, but that means against everyone. Like I can deflect with humor or defend myself and so I keep people at a distance. I'm pushing people away, I'm avoiding them that badly. Because the truth is, I don't assert myself at all. I'm afraid that asserting myself will hurt people.

But I know I'm hitting a wall and that's from me not being assertive.

How do you know when you're doing too much or too little assertiveness? Do you have an internal sense of that? The way I sense it is by looking at the person for signs of pain or discomfort when I talk. So I hold back when I know what I'm saying might be something they don't want to hear.

What helps you know when you're being appropriately assertive?

I don't know exactly how to describe it, but I feel like the universe or something within os trying to tell me something and I'm so close to getting it. I'm going to start meditating for therapeutic reasons, but I was curious if there are ways I could better listen to whatever it is that I feel.

I know openness is important, but I don't really understand what it means to open up like that.

Like them playing animal crossing or whatever, reading the character text aloud and then reacting like they're full-on having a conversation? They are framed as though playing the game in real time, but it's clear that they're reacting to a video of playing. It feels like watching someone play dolls or something and I can't stand it.

They're reacting to it like the characters are real. The YouTuber might talk about some of their own lives every now and then, but it all just feels so empty and I'm having a hard time understanding what the appeal is.

My partner loves these kinds of videos and I'm trying to figure out what it is about them that people like. Is there some comfort to them that I'm not getting?

I know there isn't any visible platform or coherent ideology, but I was hoping there would be something more than 'not trump.' like where are the donations even going? They couldn't even pretend to have talking points.

Do these condescending automated messages work on people? I can't wrap my head around the strategy behind taking a tone like this with your voter base.

Fuck outta here.

I can learn things if they're a game and I have a good ear for sound. I just want to be able to know a note when I hear and find it on a musical instrument.

I'm gay so this post is protected from accusations of horny posting 💅🏽

I don't get how libs can tolerate being taken for granted like this. They're not being mature or practical - they're accepting mistreatment by an establishment sworn to serve them.

Trump and his supporters aren't better, but at least he's telling them what they want to hear. He at least made sure to get checks out to people and had his signature stamped on them.

I dunno, at least there's a strategy there. And Biden has had four fucking years and he's done nothing to get people motivated to vote or even register to vote. Not even going into his participation in genocide, it's just a lack of strategy to the point of self-sabotage.

And the entire Democratic party is complicit in all of it. It's like they want to lose, because all I'm hearing are about how bad trump is/was. And it's like, I was fucking there. And after three years, all they can offer is to give him a verbal reprimand and coverage on every major news network, speech, and social media posting.

It's just mind-blowing to think of the wasted time and energy on the part of the US political system.

I have a couple of older relatives who only communicate via phone call and I hate talking on the phone. My other relatives don't stay in contact as often as I do, so I feel bad not reaching out and keeping them company.

Do you have any strategies to manage the energy drain from phone calls?