allthetimesivedied

The last few days have been completely fucked off by my stupid friends (one of them isn’t stupid, she is actually the one and only non-man friend I have—her boyfriend is dumb as bricks though). I haven’t gotten a decent night of sleep in a couple days and I keep putting off getting back on my food stamps because of their dumb asses.

But they’re finally gone! And all I have to eat is fucking Kellogg’s®️ Fruit Loops. I just want to get a burrito or something and go to sleep.

Oh and I have these weird hives or something from the attempted pepper spraying incident the other day.

CashApp/Venmo: $/@allthetimesivedied

You can tell things are slightly better because I’m posting every few days instead of almosr every day. Once I get back on my food stamps I’ll be fine.

Thanks.

Also Creamsicle says hi.

I love my weird as fuck friends.

Luckily I was out grabbing a quesadilla while this happened. I came back and saw the fucking stream of pepper spray crap on my sleeping bag, and one other bag.

The fuck.

I haven’t eaten today or yesterday. I wish this would stop happening. I hate being alive.

Venmo: @allthetimesivedied

Please help. I can barely even type.

I stumbled upon this thread while feeding the bugs that now occupy 37.294% of my brain case. Holy shit I am terrified of the future. People actually fucking believe this shit. No fucking awareness whatsoever that it’s *checks notes* an election year, and this “border crisis” seemingly materialized out of nowhere. Oh and COVID never happened. None of that is because of COVID.

Conservatives will do anything to misidentify/ignore the root causes of all this shit.

Here in Oregon these dumb fucks are actually blaming urban decay and the fentanyl epidemic on drug decriminalization (which passed when it was just starting to reach critical mass) and the Bottle Bill (we're one of only a handful of states where you can collect certain plastic bottles/aluminum cans/glass bottles and redeem them for cash).

I put off the food stamps thing, again, because I didn’t sleep well and felt like shit. I’d be in this same boat anyways if I had gotten them fixed, because my food stamps renew on the 2nd.

I rarely get this hungry. Like actual hunger pains. It’s usually anxiety because I know that I have to eat.

Like I hella want to order $50 worth of fucking Panda Express or the Hawaiian place I always order from (bougiest homeless person you’ll ever meet, etc.), but $20 will help me get something. I feel like I’m dying.

Please. This shit sucks.

CashApp/Venmo: allthetimesivedied

Also Creamsicle needs $5 for a pack of whale cigarettes.

You may have seen my posts about this person I used to be friends with—I wish I could tell you their name, because it’s such a cool name, but alas, they will always be, to you, the person who won’t talk to me anymore, my ex-friend, or them.

I think I’ve moved on, but not in the way everyone expects me to. Because I fucking can’t, and don’t want to—I am not just lovesick when I tell you how special they are as a person, and it’s not just a symptom of BPD when I tell you how special they are to me. I will always remember them, and nobody will ever replace them, and I’ll always wonder where they are and how they’re doing. If I believed in God I’d pray for them every night.

And I’m not saying this because I’m obsessed. I was obsessed, and I’m ashamed of that, but I don’t think I am anymore, but everyone wants it to be that because it isn’t fucking normal to feel this way. It isn’t fucking normal to have the kind of life I’ve had, either. Or the kind of life they’ve had.

When a friend of mine reached out to them and they said I needed to move on, I had an absolute meltdown. I said so many cruel and awful things—not to them, thank fuck—and for a short while all the love I felt for them combusted into hate. And then I felt ashamed because I remembered who they are. They aren’t a mean person. I really can’t see them hating me, or anyone.

I damaged their trust in me and probably broke their heart. They gave me a lot of chances and a lot of patience and I fucked everything up.

So I’ve moved on in the sense that I’ve sort of made peace with their being gone forever. It makes me sad but I’m not destroying myself over them, and I’m not going to beg for their forgiveness and for them to come back. I’d rather they never hear my name or be reminded of me ever again, if I make them as uncomfortable as it seems like I do. I’ll always have daydreams of bumping into them again, but I only want that to happen if they aren’t going to be freaked out by seeing me.

I’m going to write them one last goodbye letter, which my friend will relay to them if they want to read it. If they don’t, that’s fine, and I understand why.

@allthetimesivedied (Venmo)

I’m having yet another awful day. I once again put off the food stamp thing yesterday. Everything fucking sucks.

If you ask “Are you a whale?” I will ignore you and your question will not be relayed to him (he can’t read, because he’s a—FUCK [“I’m a whale!”]

I often forget that with one exception I have never, ever, ever been happy with another living thing in the room. I hate speaking—I wish I had been born mute because the anxiety that’s been tied around my neck as long as I can remember makes everything come out wrong. I wish I hadn’t been Narcan’d. When I finally fucking die, don’t be sad. When I was 4 years old my father screamed his fucking head off at me because I wouldn’t smile for a picture—I don’t think I’ve ever been happy, I just forget sometimes how mean this world is, and those moments don’t really justify anything else. When I die I’ll forget that I exist, and I’ll finally be alone, and the only person I’ve ever loved won’t be afraid of me anymore.

I’m having a pretty fucked off day. Barely ate yesterday, barely ate today. I would probably have my food stamps back in pocket if I didn’t have to babysit a sick friend yesterday (I hate when people tell me I’m not responsible for others’ stupid shit, because I know that—I nail myself to my own cross, I care about people who nobody gives a fuck about). I would have done it today, had I the energy and the wherewithal. I’m gonna do it tomorrow and then—inshallah—I’ll quit beating this comm raw for a minute.

So a burrito + soda is like uhhhh $16-$17 or something. For the burrito I like to get (the surfo turfo, which has probably enough protein to make my mitochondria happy) anyways. Idk how much the other things cost.

Creamsicle wants to pick up some krill, as well. They don’t sell fucking krill at Fred Meyer’s, or I think anywhere, but when I try to explain that he just gets kinda mad and goes, “No! Krill! Krill!” Just pretend you’re sending me money for krill and he’ll get all happy and then forget about it immediately, because being happy distracts him.

”Yaaay! I’m a whale! I have baleen!”

He’s learned to say another stupid thing.

So anyways, because Fred Meyer’s doesn’t do Apple Pay (I swear to God I really am homeless, I’m just the most bougie homeless person you will ever meet, aside from that person who won’t talk to me anymore), and I lost my CashApp card again months ago, please send monies (can’t believe that is a real word) to my Venmo. It’s the same as my username folks, @allthetimesivedied.

Also dental floss is the “traditional” thing used for sewing in the punk subculture. I want to sew stuff but I always either don’t have needles or don’t have thread/dental floss.

Also Creamsicle is thinking (if you can call it that) about changing his name to Kirby. Just…don’t ask. (“Yaaaaay”)