Protip: You wipe after you completely finish shitting, not the entire time you're shitting.
this post was submitted on 24 Dec 2024
507 points (96.7% liked)
Greentext
4701 readers
1790 users here now
This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.
Be warned:
- Anon is often crazy.
- Anon is often depressed.
- Anon frequently shares thoughts that are immature, offensive, or incomprehensible.
If you find yourself getting angry (or god forbid, agreeing) with something Anon has said, you might be doing it wrong.
founded 1 year ago
MODERATORS
I get all my wipes out at the beginning of the month, that way I don't have to waste time later on
load more comments
(2 replies)
Thanks for the shitty tip!
A shitty tip is when your partner didn't wipe before anal
As a gay bottom (gottom™), your partner should be doing more than wiping before anal
load more comments
(1 replies)
load more comments
(2 replies)
I love how Aubrey breaks before Chris says anything past his first line
It's that delay, he held the next line back. Such great comedic timing!
This was when Chris Pratt was at his peak.
He sucks now. He was AMAZING in Parks and Rec.
Bumbling buffoonery is his niche. He's not a leading man, action hero, regardless of how many roles they shoehorn him into.
load more comments
(2 replies)
Parks and Rec is such a great show.
Bidet.
I gave up on reddit years ago but whenever someone posts about bidets it reminds me of my favorite reddit exchange
Someone posted asking why americans don’t use bidets. I commented, saying “am american, use bidet. Love it, shits tight”
Eventually a reply came from a confused esl person asking me if I had a constipation problem because they didn’t understand the colloquialism “shits tight”
I think about that exchange more often than I should
I mean a bidet would help with tight shit as well.
A bidet is a miracle device, helps in any and all situations. Diarrhea? Solved. Constipation? Solved. Regular? Surprisingly, solved. Wanna do the front too? Can be a bit awkward but it's got you covered (in water, of course). Washing the throne? Solved. Basic calculus? Solved. Advanced calculus? Believe it or not, solved. Taxes? Avoided. Marriage counseling? Ever since I got my bidet my wife says my "stench is less appalling". Solved, baby. I even use it to water the garden and defend my house from intruders.
Cannot recommend enough.
load more comments
(2 replies)
load more comments
(3 replies)
load more comments
(2 replies)
load more comments
(7 replies)
Anon needs to eat more fiber
Funny how there's always a completely moot discussion about wiping techniques or bidets when the real issue with people having to wipe 20 times is almost always diet.
If you think that's bullshit go ahead and buy a small (for testing) pack of psyllium husk, consume two table spoons a day (in water or on top of a meal) and witness yourself becoming One-Sheet-Shane on the throne in 3 days.
load more comments
(2 replies)
and probably a shave
load more comments
(2 replies)
Eventually there is blood but no shit.
Better red than bidet!
It’s the only way I can finger myself without it being gay
load more comments
(1 replies)
Obligatory bidet comment. You don't have to wipe like you're trying to get peanut butter out of carpet. All shits become the same with a bidet, whether a short sticky stoagie or a hot wet mess of diarrhea. Imagine trying to clean a mud snowman off your driveway with a pressure washer. It can do anything.
You are a master of imagery.
You don't have to wipe like you're trying to get peanut butter out of carpet.
I lol’d
load more comments
(4 replies)
FFS get some technique. You use 3 squares folded over and do a pinch. You then use 2 squares folded for a second pinch. The last is two squares folded for a wipe, then folded again for the last clean up wipe. Yes, bidet is better but you're gonna have to poo in a public restroom at some point. This isn't rocket surgery, people. Get it together
Bidet is the obvious way to do it right. Japanese toilet second, but if you can-t go at home, at least use moist TP towelettes, and don-t flush them! Throw them in the waste bin!
load more comments
(6 replies)
eating fiber helps
Psyllium husks are the best!
Why would I stop wiping? There's still blood back there!
Bidet is the way, for sure. Butt if you don't have access to that, and you are unfortunately enough to have a messy shit, I suggest spitting on the toilet paper (and give it an extra fold so that it doesn't tear).
Hawk tuah
load more comments
(4 replies)
I wipe homeopathically.
0.5 mm² gently applied at the top of my crack for a nice even dispersal.
load more comments
(5 replies)
I wonder if OP forgot to fold the TP or use a new clean bunch and is just wiping their ass over and over with their own shit.
load more comments
(1 replies)
Obviously, a bidet is the best way to have a clean butt, but baby wipes are a good compromise when in public bathrooms, they clean much better than dry toilet paper. Or wash on the side of the bathtub.
Don't flush them no matter what the packaging says, though.
How fucking strong is your toilet that you could flush an entire bidet down it?
load more comments
(4 replies)
Use a bidet, I find whenever I have a burning, the bidet does it.
The blood is likely from a popped hemroid
load more comments
(2 replies)
Anon never got a new piece of TP after the first wipe...
Just painting that starfish brown with lavish strokes
So until they read about it on the internet they were leaving their butthole covered with shit all day?
Bidets... You don't have bidets?
Nah he didn't even run for reelection
Bro, you're supposed to use a NEW piece to wipe each time
view more: next ›