this post was submitted on 23 Dec 2024

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I'm not a bad person. I'm desensitized. That's exactly why you called me for help. (lemmy.world)

submitted 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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My ex-wifes dog is dying. It's old. She emotionally can't handle the steps involved with that. She called me.

I grew up on a farm. I love animals but death was just part of life. I've had pets I loved get hit by cars, accidentally shot by hunters (on our land illegally), bitten by snakes... Plus there were lots of pets that stupid people dump in the country ("Fido will hunt rabbits or some nice farmer will take him" no he won't. Fido will slowly starve in the wild and get very mean/crazy, then get shot when he attacks me. Just have the dog put down, dumping the dog isn't better it just makes 10 year old me do what you couldn't).

Anyway my ex-wife calls me because she can't handle it and I can.

The problem is that I've slipped up a couple times and said "it" or "the dog" instead of "him" or "Toasty".

I understand that it is insensitive and hurtful, Ive absolutely been trying to avoid that since I first came over. However it's also insensitive and hurtful to call me bad for not getting emotionally attached to the dog at this point in its life. It's dying.

I'm taking care of it. I'm using all my farm skills and animal knowledge to be sure it's not dying from a disease, bacteria, or injury that I can fix or cure. I'm making food for it that is easier to eat so I can know for sure when the dog starts choosing not to eat vs having difficulty eating. When/if the time comes where the dog doesn't want to continue, I'll handle those steps and give it a burial.

If I was a monster I wouldn't help at all or just come over, shoot it, bag it, and trash it. I'm giving this animal every chance and looking for the moment when it gives up. I'm not cold. It's just a bad time to make friendship bracelets with the dog. It's a dying dog. I don't need to get more attached, I need to keep emotional distance to make good choices for the best interest of the animal.

That's exactly why I was called in the first place. That doesn't make me a monster.

Edit: before the "take it to the vet!" Comments. Our daughter is a vet. She said the same things I did. It's probably going to die. When it stops eating and gives up, put it down.

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[–] [email protected] 28 points 5 days ago (1 children)

You are doing the rights things even if they are misunderstood, and I'm sure Toasty appreciates your care.

[–] [email protected] 19 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago)

Emotionally I like to think so. I made a bed out of a laundry basket for him. Very soft and fluffy. I wish my bed were that comfortable.

Realistically I'm aware at this stage there is no awareness. I explained that to my brother when my father died. He was upset my father was gasping for breath at the end. It was really bothering him. My sister and I explained "he's is completely unaware that he's gasping. It's just reflexes. There is no pain or discomfort because he's already gone."

Again I understand how someone can view that type of talk as "cold" but I don't see it that way. I see it as a relief. This is all normal, it looks bad and horrible to us, their mind is flooded with all the happy chemicals it's been storing for a rainy day. All at once. They are experiencing happiness that we will never experience until our own end. The best dream they have ever dreamt. They aren't here anymore. They are in their minds "last meal". The happiest, best, most pleasurable moment anyone can ever experience.

I still made a comfortable bed for the dog, so that it's comfy at the end, even though I know the dog is beyond that. The body is just winding down. Toasty is already gone.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago) (1 children)

First, how you're feeling is valid, though let me be selfish here:

People like you, and others for different reasons who are able to do the same, allow people like me the chance to shed authentic and honest grief. I cannot speak for everyone, so allow me to speak for myself when I say that I do know what's best for the animal. I cannot do what you are doing.

I have tried and it nearly broke me on two separate occasions. Without support I'm not even certain I could take something, someone really, to the vet to be put down. In this sense I am weak. Not afraid of death, I hate it with a voracity bordering on pure hatred, even as I accept that it is a part of life.

So while it may be twisted of me to say: Thank you. I deeply and sincerely appreciate you and all the others who take into their hands a life that is suffering and do their best to make whatever months, weeks, days, or moments left kind, gentle, and for the merest of times memorable.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 5 days ago (1 children)

How you feel is absolutely valid as well. That's how my ex is too.

That's kinda why I'm on a venting board instead of advice or "am I the asshole" type place. I know why she's lashing out at me and I don't want to start an argument over something she doesn't really mean to do.

So I found a safe place to vent my own frustration safely.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 5 days ago (1 children)

That's totally fair. I know I was a little out of line for the board we're in. I just know I appreciate what you're doing and somehow needed to speak openly.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 5 days ago

You're good. I completely understand

[–] [email protected] 8 points 5 days ago (2 children)

Been right there with you. Have dressed my own livestock many times.

It's never a happy task. It's often a somber task, but practical and rational. Doesn't make it any easier. It's easier for those dong the dispatching to also distance yourself emotionally in order to get the job done and process emotions later.

In helping your ex, you also need to absorb her emotions as well. She's acting out based on any and pain and loss. Let her.

You're dong everything as right as can be done. Trust your gut. You'll be OK on the end.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago)

Thank you. I agree about my ex, that's why I'm venting here and not making it a big deal to her.

I understand what's going on. I just needed to vent and hear from someone who understands that I'm just doing what you have to do sometimes. I know she knows it too, that's why she called me... But just because I CAN do this stuff it always sucks, like you said. I know my ex wife is lashing out because it sucks more for her but it sucks for me too. I just needed to get that out without adding more problems to the situation.

The distance I'm keeping is just how it works. Even doctors working on humans keep an emotional distance. You just have to.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago) (1 children)

I wanted to reply to you specifically to vent some more because you sound like you understand how this stuff goes.

The dog passed. I went to the store to grab a beer before I start digging.

My ex and her husband were upset when I got back. They said they were starting to smell like rotting meat in the house and that was traumatizing . I said calmly that was just in their heads and moved it outside. I'm about to start digging.

Again I'm just venting, and they are emotional and lashing out.im not really mad just frustrated.

I'm just saying there is no smell. It's only been 15 minutes. Nothing is rotting. I've got plenty of time to dig the hole. They are just freaking themselves out

[–] [email protected] 1 points 5 days ago

Ugh, sorry they're being so difficult about this. That's a special kind of complaint.

But if you had dug the hole first, they probably would have complained about that being traumatizing, too.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago) (1 children)

I don't think you're a monster -- I think what you're doing is noble and deserves recognition. Often I have had to be a supportive friend in difficult pet health situations, so I absolutely know what it feels like.

However, I do question why you refer to Toasty as "it". I understand you're trying to distance yourself to lessen the emotional impact. However, if it were you taking care of her grandmother in her final days, would it be acceptable to refer to her as "it"?

I also do have to question why the final step is shooting the dog. I could see if you don't have funds for euthanasia, however there are a fair number of clinics and shelters out there that will do a free euthanasia if you explain the situation. I understand if that isn't feasible but I urge you to consider euthanasia.

Either way, I'm glad he's being taken care of in his final days. It's what every animal deserves, and it shows you care on some level, even if you are trying to deny that feeling. I hope you can both find some easing of tension in this incredibly stressful situation. Thank you for caring.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago)

Yeah that what she's getting on to me about.

If it was my grandma I wouldnt call her it but I would find someone else to do this.. If I was doing this for someone else's grandma I'd call her "the patient"

It's just keeping emotional distance. You have to. I wasn't considering shooting toasty. I have access to the clinical ways myself but the dog died on its own and it wasn't necessary.

But I do want to explain shooting isn't as cruel as it sounds. In the country the way we'd explain it is simply "you can make it easy on you, or easy on the animal."

All the quick and painless ways sound horrible to hear about..... But they are quick and painless. The clean ways aren't so quick or painless for the animal. I live in the city and shooting toasty wouldn't have happened either way. I'm just saying it's quick and painless.

Edit: a quick example. When my daughter (who is now a vet) wanted a snake we got her one. Even tho I hate snakes because I got bitten by a copperhead. I was showing her how to feed the snake. You smack the mouse hard against the table then put it in. She was horrified. I get it. However it's like "you wanted a snake. The snake needs to eat. If you don't want to kill/stun the mouse than it will be fully awake and aware as it's bones are crushed by the snake. It'll also scratch and claw at the snake hurting it. Both animals suffer more. So you smack the mouse hard against the table instead." That's my point. You can make it easier on yourself but that isn't making it easier on the animal.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 5 days ago

You’re doing exactly what I would have done and I didn’t grow up on a farm. People handle death in different ways. She’s the one being insensitive IMO. Sorry you gotta deal with this shit man.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 5 days ago

Now I want to make friendship bracelets with a dog. Not a dying one though.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 5 days ago (1 children)

What if I'm just bad, but well versed on ethics?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 5 days ago (1 children)

I guess you'd know exactly how you were a bad person?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 5 days ago (1 children)

Yes.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 5 days ago (1 children)

Glad we got that settled.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 5 days ago (1 children)

I want to see the world become a better place by virtue of killing off the crabs of the crab bucket. Luigi has delighted me like nothing else ever could.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 5 days ago (1 children)

What nonsense are you going on about and how is it at all relevant to my post about a dead dog?

[–] [email protected] 0 points 5 days ago (1 children)

Well I figure you wanna know what proper bad is like from someone who can be honest about it.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 5 days ago

Killing crabs in a bucket is your idea of proper bad? With a confusing and vague reference to enjoying Luigi?

Are you a troll or a bot? Either way you are bad at it. Reported.