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Relationship Advice

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How do you interact/get along with young niblings? (lemmy.nz)
submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
16 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

I'll be going overseas soon to visit and stay with my cousins for a few weeks. I'm fairly close to them and we get along well, so it's not a problem interacting with them, as a generally shy and introverted person. However, I've absolutely no idea how to interact with their kids (3 and 7 years old). I've never been good with kids. I can't make funny faces, speak "goo goo ga ga" nor play with them or entertain them in any fashion. I mean, I could try, but it's just not in my nature, and it'll come across as really fake and forced.

Mind you, I don't hate kids, I just never interacted with them in any sort of extended fashion. I keep my distance from them and don't want nothing to do with kids in general. I don't find kids cute or funny or cuddly or anything of that sort, on the contrary, I find kids annoying and avoid them. I don't care about them to the point that I won't even ring my niblings and wish them a happy birthday, if I wasn't forced to by my family (and I usually try and weasel out of it by coming up with some excuse).

In saying all that, the reason why I'm asking this question is because I don't want them to grow up hating me or thinking of me like I'm that "weird uncle", cause maybe in the future, when I become old, I may have to rely upon them for whatever reasons. Like if I look at myself now, I have a good relationship with my elderly aunts and uncles, and they rely upon me for various things - mostly technical help, but even just in general if I'm ever visiting them I help them out wherever I can. Plus I enjoy conversing with them and learning of their various life experiences. I would like to have a similar amicable relationship with my niblings when I grow old, but I can't help think that I'm pushing them away due to my shy and introverted nature.

And as a reference, I have another cousin who's the exact opposite of me: typical extrovert alpha male type. He treats his niblings as if they were his own kids, like he does the airplane with them, takes them out for treats or other fun outdoor activities etc etc, and actually has conversations with them. I mean, that's all pretty cool I guess, but that's just not me. I do not intend to be like that.

I guess what I'm after is, what's the absolute minimal sort of interaction I can have with them, which won't feel too forced or fake or in-your-face (like definitely no "goo goo ga ga" stuff please), whilst still keeping up appearances and making me come across as a "he's a good uncle I guess, but just a bit quiet and shy" type of person? I've tried having "grown up" style small talk with them (like how's your day going, or stuff about the weather) and obviously that didn't work out too well. So I'd also appreciate stuff that I can talk to them about, like actual dialogues if possible, which won't seem fake or forced coming out of me, a shy and introverted person.

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[–] [email protected] 19 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Ask them what they like and let them ramble for the rest of the time.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Yeah unless the kid is super shy, it's absurdly easy to talk to a kid. Getting them to stop talking to you is where things get hard..

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Yeah, also my observation. Kids come in different varieties. So occasionally you'll have a socially awkward one, introverted, or shy kid. But most kids are super open, easy to connect with / curious and like to talk nonstop.

I've made the mistake of asking kids what they like. I've been lectured about knights and castles, Lego Ninjago and heard some renarrations of current animated kids series and stories.

And kids that age are super easy to read. You'll immediately see their reaction and they probably won't hold back like adults do. But they'll also ask lots of questions. So be prepared for that.

You also can just look around their room. See if they like Lego, Beyblades or whatever. They'll probably love you if you play with them. Or express interest in what they like.

Just be cool with them. Engage with them or don't. Tell them if you'd like to stop and do adult things. They should be able to empathize at a young age. And they won't be difficult (deliberately) to people they do not know well.

If you don't talk to them and don't express particular interest in them, they will likely not bother you and find someone else to play with / talk to.

[–] [email protected] 16 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I tend to just talk to other people's kids (and mine) as if they were adults. I absolutely detest it when people speak to my kids in those high pitched sing-songy voices, and so do my kids.

Don't fake or force anything. For a younger kid like the 3 year old, I might squat down or kneel so as to be at eye level with them. Sure, the 3 year old probably won't be the best conversationalist or have similar interests to you. But if you can make small talk with an adult, you can ask a child what interests them or what they did recently that they thought was neat. Maybe they'll talk about a show they watched recently and you can ask who their favorite character is and why.

Children are just adults with fewer experiences and different concerns.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Thanks, but what do I say when I first meet them? I did meet the older older one four years ago, but she may not remember much from that time, and I'd be meeting the youngest one for the first time. They are aware of me in general though so it's not like I'm a total stranger.

Sure, I could ask about their interests and what they did recently recently, but what after that? I'll be living with them for a couple of weeks so I can't ask them the same questions every day. Also I don't want to bombard them with questions either, otherwise it'll seem like an interview. What do I say to them when I run into them the first thing in the morning? Like I can wish them a good morning of course, but what after that? How do I pan out the conversations across day 2, day 3 etc? I don't want to sound like a broken record and repeat the same dialogue every day.

I'm not really good with small talk even with adults btw, but if it's something about my work or hobbies, I can talk for ages - however I can't really do that with the kids though.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago

I'd imagine that after the first day, just "Hey, how's it going?" or such is going to be fine. If they're anything like my 8 and 11 year old, they'll either ignore you completely, or talk to you incessantly. So long as you don't just completely ignore them, acknowledge their presence, and respond to them when they attempt to interact with you, you'll be fine. It's their house, you shouldn't feel the need to act like their personal entertainment unit :)

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

My kids are 3 (girl) and 7 (boy), here are a few low effort things things that would win mine over:

  • Let them choose what to watch and properly watch it together, no looking at your phone. Bluey is a great kids show
  • Play Uno, Ludo, snakes and ladders, Dobble, snap, etc - you can team up with the 3yo
  • Draw pictures together - mine love mazes, monsters, etc. There are loads of good YouTube kids drawing tutorials
  • My girl loves anyone who will let her serve a tea party, and my boy loves to tell anyone about Minecraft or Mario games
  • Before you go, ask the parents what small token gift you can bring, preferably a treat or a small game you can play together

If you want them to like you, you really just have to get down to their level and show genuine interest, or ask to join in. If that all sounds too much, then maybe it's not going to happen.

If successful, you might need to gently set some boundaries... But hopefully you form a nice bond with them. You don't have be an extrovert for kids to like you - I'm a firm introvert, and kids seem to gravitate towards me, like cats.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Don't attempt "goo goo ga ga" with 3 and 7 year olds. You'll look like an idiot. Goo goo ga ga is for newborns.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 1 year ago (3 children)

I know, I don't know the equivalent term for small kids, you know the high-pitched sing-songy exaggerated tone that people use when they talk to kids (or pets)? I'm saying I can't do that sort of stuff.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 year ago

That's also for newborns. Speak to the kids normally.

You can ask the seven-year-old:

  • How they like school
  • If they learned anything interesting lately
  • If they have a favorite book
  • If they have a favorite meal
  • If they like making or listening to music
  • If they like drawing or making art

Kids are people with emerging preferences. Ask simple questions about who they are and what interests them. Avoid literary criticism or discussion of geopolitics.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

You don't have to. Kids should get used to people using their normal voices, at least some of the time.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

Children are just smaller people, just talk normally about them. You need to adjust the content of what you are saying to be age appropriate but you definitely do not need to change your voice or manner of speaking.
Simply ask them about their interests and then act interested in what they are telling you (but in your normal voice). Do not brush them off or belittle them or their interests in any way and you'll have a pretty good position.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Try to remember your aunts' and uncles' interactions with you. What did you like about them when you were a child? Generally, when communicating with children, it's helpful to remember your own childhood. It helps you relate to them and understand that they're not that different from you.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

I don't really remember much from my childhood so that's not really helpful sorry.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Answer aside, thanks for teaching me the word nibling. In a related sense, what is the word for a parent's sibling?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

It's pibling, although, not as commonly used as nibling.