this post was submitted on 30 Oct 2024

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TenForward: Where Every Vulcan Knows Your Name

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If anyone knows about evolving, it's Jeffrey Combs. (lemmy.world)

submitted 3 weeks ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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Some of the many species Jeffrey Combs has evolved into:

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[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

When discussing marriage with my girlfriend (now wife), she mentioned not wanting to change her name. I told her this wasn't acceptable - I expected her to change her name. But she repeated not wanting to change her last name. I told her she misunderstood, I didn't want her to change her last name, I wanted her to change her first name to "groupofcrows property", she can keep her last name. She did not accept this. (Yes this was a real conversation, yes we have been married for 7 years, no she did not change her name)

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (7 children)

The time I got married, I asked my wife not to change her last name because the women in my family don't. (Even if they did, I think I would still find it off-putting. It's my last name. You have your own last name.) She insisted on changing it regardless of what I wanted, and that was the "red flag"...

The joke is on her. She had to go through the trouble of changing it back after the divorce :)

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[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (2 children)

Asking with curiosity and respect, for those in the "keeping my name" camp -

You were given your name by your parents, and most often the surname is the father's surname.

Most of you adopt nicknames or pet names which change over time (what your family calls you vs your friends vs your colleagues)

Why is it a really big deal to you? Is it being asked / expected to change your name by a societal norm / being told what to do? Or the effort involved in changing it?

Source - male, changed my surname when I moved internationally, married, and wife's family expected her to change her name to mine because we were starting a new family and that would be the family name.

I didn't give a shit because my surname isn't my family name, it's one of my middle names, so it seemed arbitrary, and said so to both her and them.

Wife decided she would change her name and our kid has that name too. It was an absolute pain in the ass to do for her because she's lived here for much longer than me so had more things to change, so I understand not wanting to deal with that. But years down the track - everyone seems happy - reading through these comments tho many of you view this as wrong??

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

I'm in a similar boat of my name not being a big deal to me (also male). However, if a name is arbitrary, why should you change it? If it doesn't matter whether it's your original name or the name of your spouse, why on earth go to the trouble of changing it in the first place? "That's how we've always done it" has never really held much water for me as an argument. If it's of merit, it should stand up to scrutiny without the appeal to tradition.

However, to many people, names aren't arbitrary. From a historical point of view, marriage used to be considered a transaction of property, and a woman's last name had the connotation of ownership. Were I a woman, I would find that quite abhorrent, and even though that connotation has diminished I still don't think I could stomach it.

For some specific cases, names hold recognition. I'm a singer and have friends & mentors for whom performing is their full time job. To change your last name after building name recognition can do serious harm to your fame, and thus income. So most of them in that situation will retain their maiden name for job security more than anything.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago

Yeah it's not the changing, it's the expectation. My mom told me one "women don't have last names", meaning there is no matrilineal naming convention here. So basically she didn't care about changing hers because it was her dad's name or her husband's, but found it problematic. Why does "family name" follow the men like that, when the kids are born to the mothers?

Needlessly Patriarchal is a good way to put it.

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[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 weeks ago (4 children)

The only thing is that it's annoying when you get kids.

Do they take both names? If so, you are just pushing the issue of choosing to your kids. At some point someone needs to drop some fucking names.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (2 children)

We decided our daughter would take my name because my wife's brother had two sons that would continue her family name. And considering my daughter is queer, it's not all that likely she's going to have a kid anyway. Not that we knew that at the time (although I used to joke that I hoped she would be because I wouldn't have to worry about her getting pregnant as a teen).

Edited to clarify.

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[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (1 children)

I just see it as a hassle. Like why even bother? She would have to explain why she wants to take my name and I would try talking her out of it "What if we get a divorce in 7 years or so? Do you just have to change it back then?" I'm sure that would go over well

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago

Patriarchal traditions aside, part of the idea is that you're aiming for a permanent relationship, or you shouldn't do it

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago

How did he do that thing where I heard "evolve" spoken aloud by him?

I thought twitter was text only?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago

Do you think Matt brain would blue screen if I told him I took my wife's last name?

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