What do they say when you raise these concerns with them in a constructive manner?
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Cry and make excuses.
Are they receiving therapy? They may have depression, anxiety, ADHD, or something similar going on. These all make it hard to achieve one's goals even when the intention/desire is there.
They do have ADHD and is medicated. I know it can be an impediment and try to support them. I'm not sure how much longer I can be OK with little to no progress.
Just because something is medicated doesn't mean it's cured or not impacting them. There are no magic pills for mental health / disorders.
Oh I agree. I struggle with depression and anxiety myself. But, I try really hard to keep my shit together, even when I feel terrible. I don't feel like she's putting in the same effort.
Don't compare who has it worse. Everyone goes through it differently. Be supportive, not angry.
After kids? After kids are born? After kids move out? Are you expected to be the sole provider for the entire family until then? What job will they get without having finished their degree?
It's extremely common for people to struggle finishing their degree, especially when they question their viability in the job market. You two are partners in this, and if they expect you to provide for them, then there needs to be a conversation about expectations. If you love them, talk about what they want out of life, what they want to do as a career, and whether they are studying what they want or if it's just stalling getting a job.
This doesn't have to be the end of the relationship if you want to make it work. But it is a major red flag if they expect you to pick up their financial slack.
After kids are in school. They're expecting full support during the whole first years of kids.
So, you're thinking 5 years before school, plus another year of pregnancy, and you said "kids" plural, so add another two years between them, and you're not married yet. That's like 10 years before your partner gets a job, and you're paying for everything?
Do you currently have kids together? What is the timeline for these things? Its a lot of time to have two people living off of a single income especially if you two aren't married yet
Not currently. But as soon as we get married.
If you are having doubts about marriage be careful about having kids right away. Once you have kids you are locked with that person forever. If they aren't fully pulling their weight now having kids won't make that any easier. These are serious issues that need to be considered before getting married and having kids. Wedding and then having children is a huge financial, mental and physical burden.
How does the work load work currently for wedding planning? How about the workload for pregnancy and child rearing? Have you talked about it or are you assuming it based on gender roles? These are all important decisions to make together as a team. If they can't finish school or even work its difficult to see them doing their fair share or if they aren't working doing more than their fair share of domestic labor. (Which is real difficult labor and should be counted as such as a couple)
They aren't your partner, they're one of your children.
Either get comfortable with that, or dump 'em.
Clearly your partner is going to be a house spouse, and maybe will pick up a hobby job at some point in the future, but not one with any stress or time lines.
Are you ok with being the sole provider long term?
If not, then you might want to find another partner. If yes, then make peace with your spouse's ambitions yet inability to execute.
I'm not ok with that. It's just not really feasible to live off one income these days.
My advice is to run for your life.
I think that's how my family feels as well.
Their behavior reminds me a lot of what I did when I stumbled into my depression. I can't really give you advice, but this might not be what they want to behave like. Especially what you wrote about their reaction when confronted. Not to say what you should do or that you should stand with them through this, but maybe it's a possible way to find a solution. Maybe not, I'm still struggling after several years. This isn't something that'll be magically over once you start taking medication. Whatever you decide on, decide for your best, not theirs. This is hard, I know. But at the end you're responsible for your well-being in the first place. Kids and pets are the exception, but as hard as it may be, partners have to come second.
If you are to the point where you are asking strangers on the Internet if you should stay or go, I think you know your answer.