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Advice is very needed for this predicament I am in! (hexbear.net)

submitted 8 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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TW, talk of abuse, sexual abuse and manipulation and of the sorts, forin the last paragraph, please skip it if you cannot stomach it.

hello, I wish to receive some advice, for I am a freshman in college and know nothing. :)) yall know a lot more than me and it is better than doing nothing. I trust yall extremely more than reddit or pretty much anywhere else.

for summary, currently I am trying to support can abuse victim, the abuse is ongoing (and it is really fucking bad, of course it is but I am just emphasizing), they are trans and person of color 16 years old, the abuser is a former friend of mine, 19, also trans person of color in college. the reason I mentioned they are both POC because, I am being recommended extremely to report this to college, which will involve the police in someway, I do not know the specifics, and for personal traumas and reasons aside in this area, I know it is generally an ass extreme to call or involve the police, and ESPECIALLY for POC + trans folks. Plus, the abused person's family is also abusive, according to them I am one out of their only two friends. I just really do not want to fuck shit up and make everything go terribly wrong with the abused getting no help, get in danger because of me, and more. a friend I consider that knows a lot more than me thinks I am slightly unreasonable to not be reporting, but still, I would like to believe I am being reasonably cautious.

I would also love some advice in like, idk, just anything, how to support and talk with the victim, I am not telling them they should leave because I know it does not work like that and will mostly drive them away (I was also abused for majority of my life) but also be firm to affirm and reassure what they are going through is not okay and I am there for them. I also do not want to talk to their abuser in any circumstance, unless with someone else. idk! maybe I am being too vague, anyway I hope this post is allowed!

so in summary:

do I notify school authorities? if I do, what's the advice in wording things and whatever?
how can I better support the abuse victim?

OKAY TW HERE!!!!!!

spoiler

I think the nature and the actions within this abusive relationship is also really important to mention if I am asking for advice,,,,, GAHH I am so bad at sharing information. please take care of yourself and go on reading cautiously and slowly I guess! So this 16 years old is being sexually assaulted, triggered into age regression and then sexually assaulted, gaslighted into thinking they like the abuse, idk a bunch of other things it is entirely fucked up. a part of them knows it is wrong and tries to protect and take as much abuse as possible, a part of them is kinda "brainwashed" and think it is just unconventional love and they deserve it. they said they are also in love with their abuser.

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[–] [email protected] 4 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I agree with part of what the other poster said. Might be worth searching around if there are organizations or therapists that could intervene. Try to reach out directly to the medical community as opposed to involving law enforcement. Good luck and I'm sorry to hear about this situation.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 8 months ago (2 children)

thank you! could you elaborate a bitty on what you are thinking when you are talking about the medical community?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 8 months ago

This person has not responded yet and I do not know the situation locally, but they might mean a counselor or someone like that. Usually colleges have therapists available for students. It might not be the case that they have the right expertise for this, but they can help you find someone that is right for this situation as well. So that might be a good starting point. If that does not work, you can just search a therapist online and contact them.

In case of sexual abuse, you could also go to hospital or a doctor there and they should be able to help you as well and treat any physical wounds also. However, I am not sure how that works where you live.

So, I think the first best step is to see whether there is a therapist at your college and contact them. If that does not work, just search online for other therapists. If there is physical harm, go to a doctor or hospital. Does that help?

[–] [email protected] 1 points 8 months ago

Sorry I was in transit when I replied and forgot to follow up. Not sure if you have acted yet, but yes starting with a counselor at the university may be a good first step. Some counselors have open door policies where you can just walk in and seek advice on things. I would begin by stressing the complexity of the situation and you not wanting to involve law enforcement.

There are also phone hotlines for this kind of thing. Both locally with the university or otherwise. But yeah first step for me would be explaining the complexity and not wanting to involve law enforcement. Any therapist or counselor who ignores or handwaves this away should be ignored in favor of someone else or another avenue.

Good luck. I will check back later.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 8 months ago

I could be wrong but it seems like one of the only options that seems to be "good" is to involve my college so. yeah. best of luck to me and everyone I guess, I will think more before I act, ugh. hearts for yall

[–] [email protected] 2 points 8 months ago

fuck i forgot to say this but I am in the so-called USA

[–] [email protected] 2 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I have never been to the US, so I have no idea whether it is good to contact authorities. I hope someone else will answer that question.

I am happy for your friend that they have you to support them. I think the fact that you are there for them and that you listen to them is very important and helpful, especially the listening part. You need to focus on making your friend feel save.

In addition, I think this situation requires also some professional help. It sounds very serious and complex and not something the both of you can just solve by yourselves. I think an important thing you can do for your friend is to get them to a therapist or other professional who can treat them and find a way out of this situation. It is the same as when you break a leg or something like that. In a situation with physical trauma, you need a friend to support you and help you deal with it. But you also need a doctor to fix it. It is the same with psychological trauma. So, please get your friend professional help.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 8 months ago (1 children)

thank you! very good idea. Thank you I really appreciate it

[–] [email protected] 2 points 8 months ago

No problem. I hope it will work out for you and your friend. It might be difficult, but it is possible to heal from almost anything with the right help and a space to feel safe.