Rant incoming(CW: Internalized homophobia, islamophobia, mental health)
cw
I'm back in university and I feel even more socially numb than ever. I have a lot of intrusive thoughts about mental health and shit. I'm never going to open up about it all to any counselers because my parents drilled into me not to talk to any mental health ppl or doctors or else they'll "lock me up" again and throw away the key while they'll have to pay and suffer (I was hospitalized once in HS due to similar feelings). It surfaced when one of my profs was like "you should talk to someone if you feel anxious" during their syllabus lecture and I just felt like complete shit.
I've never seen any other ppl in my family actually deal with their mental health in the ways that I read about. It's more respected in muslim families to shut up and keep all the emotional shit within the family and within yourself than it is to do therapy. I used to do therapy (weekly 1 hr sesh) but all my relatives would give me shit for it so I stopped.
Idk i think most of this is just I can't even envision a life as a happy queer south asian man without feeling like im a pervert violating male bodies (go figure). Like i literally look at my skin color and do a inner racism. Instead of admitting this to anyone I'll just scroll on this stupid ass site and stress read theory and pretend im more clever than all those mental health professionals. Im also a spanish major which is just ripe for major imposter syndrome as I take classes with people who are about to graduate and I feel constantly inadequete with my abilities.
It sucks literally not being able to articulate my queerness inside and outside of my family. I hold so many reactionary brainworms about mental health even though I should be a "progressive"
I could find clubs which is probably the best thing I could do for myself. Yeah I'll leave it at that.
Being queer and brown is the worst shit ever
Winter is fun, it actually isn't as cold right now as it used to be back in the fall. I still hate walking in snow because half the time it's actually ice and you're now about to fall.