Transfem

Unfortunately, the only people who aren't going to treat you like a novelty are people that you aren't a novelty to, and we are a novelty to most cis people, even the supportive ones

I don't think there is an easy answer to this :/

Keep looking. You just gotta find the right WLW spaces that foster a good atmosphere.

Last summer I was apart of a group called the beaver lodge, and it was great. I never felt excluded everyone was awesome and we had a lot of good times.

You ran into some terfs and insensitive people. There are better people just around the corner.

Transphobia in lesbian spaces is there I'm afraid, I feel like it is somewhat there, even if in a ""non-malignant"" kind of way, in any space with cis people just by virtue of societal values and a long list of etceteras. Best advice I can give, if possible find a space that is explicitly trans-inclusive, not just LGBTQ, but Trans in particular, you'll have more of a chance of lesbians there being more open and experienced being around trans people, not a silver bullet by any means, but it'll be a bit better.

So yeah, trust me can relate, we are all together climbing this mountain, just make sure you stop from time to time to rest at some safe spaces, we'll provide some needed break and some virtual hugs and support, best of luck to you in the climb sister!

I think a lot of trans women struggle to take up room in women's spaces, whether that be because of internalised or external bigotry. I usually seek out explicitly trans, or pro-trans, spaces.

You aren't alone

Having said that I have found that spaces that not only say they support trans people, but actually demonstrate it in some way are a lot more comfortable. Also I guess the feeling has faded a bit over time, for me at least, idk why, different culture where I am now to my home country I guess

I experience a lot less of this fear, or at least how I experience it has changed a lot. For me a core part of the fear/discomfort was related to imposter syndrome and my inability to feel completely confident in my womanhood and my identity as a queer woman. Bottom surgery was a very big part of ridding myself of that imposter syndrome. My dysphoria used to make me feel completely invalidated, and that led to feeling like there was something preventing me from accepting my womanhood. It obviously won't be the same for everyone, and I don't think that most people would need bottom surgery to feel comfortable in women's spaces online and in person. But I personally do not feel that same discomfort in women's spaces anymore. When I meet with bigotry there I feel angry more than afraid. I just in general have a lot more confidence in myself and my womanhood.

As someone else has mentioned, it may be partly impostor syndrome. At least for me it is. But being out for so long (> 4 years), I can slowly accept my womanhood independently from how I present or how people address me. That doesn't mean I'm unaffected by transphobic comments or misgendering (which I still frequently get), but that I can get angry about it instead of feeling like an impostor. I'm more and more in a position where I can claim my womanhood despite people denying it and that is a big win. I'm also less prone to feeling like shit when I haven't shaved in a few days etc.

Regarding your questions: I live in Germany and in my city there are no lesbian/women only places that I know of, but most are open to women, lesbians, inter, non-binary, trans and agender people (wlinta or FLINTA in German). So these are places that should be a safe place for me as well. It still took me a veeeery long time to dare to even enter any of these spaces because feeling like an impostor. And in my case it was definitely more of my own fear then people actually excluding me.

Although I hardly know any cis lesbians and the ones I got to know were friendly but clearly not up to dating trans/nb people. As you said yourself, the available dating pool is frustratingly small. I've also had various frustrating experiences with heteroflexible cis women (and even cis men). I guess mostly cis people are just very confused about me and their emotions towards me and in the end it always gets messy and I feel like shit because I feel like it would be so much easier if I were just a cis woman... :/

T4T is great and all, but we are just so few people and it's hard to find anyone...

I was in a relationship before I started transitioning, but I relate a lot. Not just as transfem, but also because I'm bi. I've never had my gender questioned, but I have most certainly had similar experiences with monosexuals(people who's only attracted to a single gender) due to my sexuality, nearly regardless of which dating space I've been in.

ngl cis ppl and cis lesbians in particular treating trans ppl or trans fems badly or weird is a problem with them and not with us. it sucks they are like that but this shouldn't be a reason to change and try to appeal to their weird, transphobia rooted perspective.