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I feel like I missed the boat to be bi (beehaw.org)

submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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This is a bit of a vent because I don't feel comfortable talking about this in literally any other virtual or physical space. I hope that's ok.

I'm a 28 y/o cis woman in a straight relationship.

When I was 14 I once confided to someone that I thought I was bi. A couple of years later she brings it up in a group setting an I was adamant that conversation never happened and that I was 100% straight.

I grew up in an immigrant community and while unspoken it was always clear to me that there would be hell to pay if I was bi. My parents were already abusive and neglectful and it was hard enough to survive in that environment as is... I was always conscious of not wanting to make that even harder.

And because I was also attracted to men I guess it felt easy enough for me to ignore my attraction to women.

Even in uni I would make out with girls and stuff and my mental dissonance was like "oh, all girls are like that."

I'm super happy that kids these days are more comfortable being queer but as that happened around me it became clear to me that... Oh, shit, I'm bi.

And it just upsets me? Like I'm in a loving straight relationship. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm going to marry him in a couple of years. I don't have the opportunity to explore my bisexuality because that boat has sailed.

And I don't feel comfortable "coming out". I have this vague guilt that I've lived my entire life with straight privilege and still do, being in a straight relationship. I feel like if I came out I'd be virtue signalling and taking oxygen from people who are "actually queer". I'm worried people won't believe me, because I spent 15 years not believing myself.

In terms of things in my life that cause me distress this is not the biggest one (I have C-PTSD, MDD, GAD, and am still not sure I'll survive to my 30s).

But I just feel like I'm stuck being a straight woman, and it's just something about myself that I'll never get to be authentic about. And it sucks and it hurts. And I'm ashamed to tell anyone because I'm afraid neither straight nor queer spaces will believe/accept me.

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[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

I’m also straight passing and feel uncomfortable telling people I’m bi, as tho I’m claiming oppression when I actually have privilege. But with supportive communities and friends, it doesn’t have to be like that.

I hope you find the courage to talk about it with some people you trust irl. There’s something very freeing about just treating it as another aspect of yourself and being around people who accept that. My long term partner is also bi and I’m the only person who knows, but I’m glad he felt comfortable telling me.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago (2 children)

I just want to tell you... feeling invisible is not a privilege. Feeling like you have to hide who you are because you might never be able to explore it fully is not a privilege. Feeling like you have to pretend to be someone you are not is not a privilege.

"Straight privilege" for queer people is not a thing. It's a form of erasure, plain and simple. And it seems to really hurt you.

Please don't feel like you being able to hide your sexuality is something you need to feel guilty about. It sounds more like you suffer because of this. You have the right to call yourself queer, you are not taking away anything from anyone by coming out and you have the right to be comfortable with who you are.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

Thank you. It's hard to say more right now because this is a lot to take in... But thank you.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

I’m late, but I wanted to echo this and add an interesting fact to support it.

Studies show that bi people experience poorer mental health than gay and lesbian people, and a large part of that is thought to be because bi people are much more likely to be closeted. (See this paper: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2017.1387755)

I’m a mostly-closeted bi woman, for reasons similar to OP, but I found it helpful to learn that. It definitely made me feel less guilty, and more comfortable existing in the few queer spaces I can be out in.