The Onion

TEL AVIV—Explaining why they had continued airstrikes and launched a ground offensive in the Palestinian enclave, Israeli officials warned Monday that Gaza was still harboring hundreds of doctors. “It is repugnant to demand that Israel cease hostilities when there are still hundreds, if not thousands, of surgeons, oncologists, and pediatricians lurking within Gaza,” said Israeli defense minister Yoav Gallant, adding that many of these devious physicians relied on a network of tunnels, streets, and hospitals to provide medical care. “We cannot rest until every last Gazan medical professional has been wiped from the face of the earth—their families, too, as we can’t take the chance that the son or daughter of one of these doctors is inspired to one day become a doctor themselves.” Israeli officials also pushed back on concerns that they could somehow avoid civilian casualties, noting that there were many documented instances of doctors using civilians as human patients.

Fucking savage.

I thought this was real.