Had a convo with my mother last night. I kicked it off because she had been misgendering and deadnaming me the past couple days. She always caught herself, but I wanted to see why this was happening and make it stop happening.
She insists that she doesnt see me as a man, that she sees me as me (funny, she doesnt use the word woman to describe how she sees me during this conversation 
). Shes says that its all just the automatic processing her brain does, but doesnt think that automatic processing is actually how she sees me. So i guess what she thinks isnt representative of what she thinks??? Like I get it, its hard to recontextualize ones view of another, but the automatic responses are the most telling, they show how you automatically gender me, and those responses are meaningful, not "oh just automatic so we dont need to worry about them and theyre not representative of how I see you". Guess my mothers an idealist and a 
, but we knew that already.
The conversation took an upsetting detour where I had to hold space for and take care of her emotions. I mean, I asked her multiple times during the whole convo how she was doing, if shes ok, but that same care doesnt get extended to me. Im just sick of saying "hey ive got a problem with how youre treating me" and it getting turned into me taking care of the other persons emotions.
In summation, i desperately need a job so I can move out again.
losing brain elasticity is for real