The Onion

The problem with doing satire is that our world is crazier than fiction. And I'll tell you why:

Ages ago, the Mayans predicted the end of the world would happen in the year 2012. Except that wasn't exactly right; what they discovered was that the year 2012 marked the end of an era. What they had stumbled onto was a date in the source code of our universe, indicating when this grand experiment would end, and the grad students running this simulation of a universe would need to turn in their research. But instead of concluding the simulation and turning it off, (this is where my conjecture begins) one of the grad students was kicked out of their program for unethical behavior; creating life then abandoning it to have a wicked kegger roughly 2000 of our simulated years ago. Now our simulation is running unattended past its natural expiration date and things are going out of bounds of its operating parameters, and will continue to do so until the coming of the Janitor, who will unplug our simulation and bring the suffering of our universe to an end.

Whether this is gospel, heresy, or just the mad ramblings of an overworked and understimulated person looking to get a few tokens of serotonin by writing a nonsensical comment on an internet forum, I leave for you to decide.