traaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnns
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Sorry for writing copious amounts of text and treating this kinda like a journal, i know im pretty self centered right now, sorry.
Anyway
I went on a really nice date to some gardens with this wonderful woman this past weekend.
It was magical and felt so perfect. Shes also trans and idk if its that or just her but like she gets me in a way that I doubt cis people ever could. We had hooked up a couple times before this, and it was really nice to be in a more romantic/nonsexual setting with her. Gosh i feel intoxicated when Im with her, like theres gotta be something wrong with me right? She makes me feel such wonderful things, shes smart and passionate and strong and really fucking attractive and shes pursuing me of all people, i just feel so lucky. Idk where its going, if it'll last a month, a year, who knows, but im here for it.Its also shone a light on my insecurities and fear of abandonment, and given me a really fucking good reason to get those managed. I mean, theyre mostly managed, kinda, and partially managed on a bad day, but still i want to have them completely managed. Idk, she just makes me want to be the best version of myself.
I guess thats all to say: yall, im falling hard for this woman and its at a time when I dont have the bandwidth for a serious relationship. I guess happiness comes when you least expect it? Im taking her to the movies this friday, and thinking to cook up a desert themed for the movie (but its a ton of work and im kind of dying right now, housing instability and all that (side note fuck landlords, housing should be a basic human right))
I just want to snuggle up with her forever, lay on her couch wrapped in each other, talking about nothing and everything. And kiss her, like a lot.
On the less wonderous side of things, ive been realizing the extent of my mothers codependency/fucked-up-edness and it shifted how I view her and made my discomfort relating to her more understandable. Im tired of being responsible for her emotional state, of being there for her in situations where I shouldnt have to be. For example, shes set a hard boundary about me leaving her house after 3 months, which is fine, but when I express anxiety around my housing instability and frustration with not being able to find a place to rent, she gets very upset and distraught that Im facing homelessness, and then I have to take care of her and soothe her and take care of her emotions when she is the one contributing to/forcing that situation in the first place! You cant tell your daughter to get out of your house and then turn around and be distraught by your daughter not having a place to live!? Make it make sense, please.
Ive got a great monster of the week campaign going on that im continuously excited for, its really fun :) plus everyone is trans and its great.
Anyway, life is life, and life is wonderful and terrible.