TW for suicide, and drugs.
Spare me the usual replies, please. I’ve heard them all.
I’m going to drop Creamsicle off at a friend’s house today.
“Yay!”
Then I’m probably going to acquire fentanyl somehow, and forget that I ever existed.
I’ve considered writing a letter to my friend, the one I’m always talking about. Creamsicle was originally supposed to be a birthday present for them, but they didn’t want him. I’d love for him to go live with them, but I don’t want them to be sad. I think I just want them to forget I ever existed. I know they probably won’t be too sad but I don’t know. I wish I could say goodbye.
Every single fucking day sucks. I am in the same exact hole today, on March 22nd, 2024, as I was on March 22nd, 2023, and on March 22nd, 2022. The only difference is I just keep getting slightly worse every year. Each winter hurts more than the last. More people stop talking to me and I smile less and life becomes increasingly more stupid and meaningless.
To be fair there also are a whole lot of objective, short-term-unfixable reasons to be depressed. The world is burning. Genocide, famine, crimes against humanity have been going on in the background our whole lives. We're all alienated and our psyches are stuffed full of poison. Moreover, the trajectory is so bad that even if it gets better it's still gonna get worse in the meantime. What does it mean to manage and tolerate such conditions? We weren't made for this. Doubtless some people would still be depressed even if none of that was going on. But there's no way to tell.
But there's plenty of hope for OP with so many bad circumstances that can be improved in their lifetime. Get the guy to stop beating you up before you decide your bruises are from anemia, that sort of thing.