Went to the doc yesterday and was the only one wearing a mask. The PA pointedly looked at my mask and asked "being extra cautious today?"
First of all, you deserve to be treated with respect, no question. There's no reasoning behind the touching without permission behavior that I can understand that isn't shallow or selfish in origin. Your post made me cringe because I feel the same about being touched.
I've used "No hugs, thanks," and will offer a handshake or fist bump. I have physically sidestepped people by twisting away from them, and I've even pushed people away from me, forcefully when needed... how do you not get immediately angry at them for violating your personal space? I can't hide my disgust if someone does this to me, and even if it pisses them off I'll just repeat that I don't want to be touched until they stop trying to argue or shame me. I see it as a comfort level that should be respected, and usually people are mature enough to not press it.
Thank you for saying the silenced part out loud, it's part of why I come here. I'm at a loss as to what to contribute, all I know is that I'm doing the best I can and I'm the only one I know who hasn't gotten it yet and who is still taking precautions. And I'm right there with you about trusting people, it has become Russian roulette in terms of covid, as least in my experience. Just knowing there are others out there experiencing this makes me feel a bittersweet pang. I'm glad there are others but I wish we weren't forced into this madness. Hugs, comrade <3
I don't think it's stupid to want to try something new that you might enjoy doing. You should do the thing!
I get the anxiety about getting feedback, though. Sometimes when I get super anxious about being in a social situation that's unfamiliar I have to pre-forgive myself that it's okay if I back out or run away or be awkward. I would hope that since it's technically a learning experience it will be more forgiving and constructive and not a personal attack on the people there. If you do decide to go I hope you have a good time!
Hey OP, I'm a little late but wanted to try and chime in, because I've been dealing with this exact issue for the last few years (before I knew I was Autistic). First, I just want to say that your feelings matter. If you're uncomfortable, if your anxiety is high and you're feeling overwhelmed, it is perfectly okay to say so and remove yourself from that situation if you're able. We don't process things like NT people and might need more time or energy to do the same tasks or participate in the same events, and it's important to keep that distinction in mind when you're trying to navigate daily interactions. Be kind to yourself, as hard as that may be with the conditioning we've experienced in an NT world.
spoiler
How do you know when you're doing too much or too little assertiveness? Do you have an internal sense of that?
Kind of, yes. If I get really emotional, and teary-eyed and want to run away, I've come to understand that this is a conditioning that has me betray my own needs for the sake of others and that I need to fight through it. When I go against the urge to people please and instead try to make room for myself, it feels wrong, but I know now that fighting that wrongness is what will lead me to a more honest existence. But, even after years of practice speaking up for myself, and trying to set boundaries that are healthy and suitable to my well-being, it's still difficult to say, "No, I don't want that" or "I'd be more comfortable with X". I constantly question my own motives, my vocabulary, my freaking body language, all of it, trying to bend over backwards to not be 'too loud', 'too assertive', and/or 'too demanding' and it is exhausting. The truth is, for myself, I'm so aware (and wary) of people around me that I'm already not going to go out of my way to cause problems unless I am being outright abused. Knowing this, it's easier to address the smaller things, like saying no to added work or navigating social situations where I can just exist without having to constantly worry about everyone around me. You can't control others through your action or inaction. Try not to let the fear of other's emotions dictate how you navigate your own.
Ask yourself this: Is what I'm doing really too much? Am I really demanding something that is unreasonable? Think of a person who you find is too assertive. What don't you like about the way they go about it? What do you see them doing that gets their needs met that doesn't piss everyone off? If you pay attention, which I'm sure you already are, you'll learn ways to establish boundaries without sacrificing so much of yourself. It takes practice, and will be different for everyone. It has gotten a little easier for me, but there will always be times when it's more difficult than others.
The way I sense it is by looking at the person for signs of pain or discomfort when I talk. So I hold back when I know what I'm saying might be something they don't want to hear. I'm afraid that asserting myself will hurt people.
I feel this so much. Unfortunately, this is a reality that needs to be addressed and accepted. Odds are that you're gonna freak people out when you actually speak up for yourself the first time, if there is an established relationship like with family members or coworkers. I've had a lot of therapy, read a LOT of psych and self care books/articles/blogs (shout out to Devon Price's Unmasking Autism and other ND communities), and I've come to realize that my body tells me a lot about where I am emotionally, even when I've not fully processed what's going on in my head. Exhaustion, nervous energy, sweating, needing to stim; all of these things are usually indicators that something is off and needs to be addressed. It's not always immediate, but I've found that bringing up something that happened in the past can be just as effective as addressing it in the moment if it is a recurring thing.
The first time I actually asked for something I needed, I started crying. As in, full-on tears streaming down my cheeks, anxiety-attack-around-the-corner shaking and freaking out. I was terrified in that moment that I was asking too much, that I was being a burden, that I was making the other person uncomfortable, and that I was somehow wrong for even bringing up my feelings that had, up until then, been trampled and manipulated by others who were completely oblivious to my struggle because I never let them see the real me, and who were perfectly satisfied by my people-pleasing, codependent mask. To say it was jarring is an understatement, and I used the template Zuzak mentioned to do it ( "This is how your actions make me feel, do with this information as you will"). The response was...not great. The person I was talking to seemed to have an internal system crash error that caused them to react with anger and defensiveness, because how dare I call them out of their established patterns with me and make them self-reflect on their own behavior. I was accused of a lot of things I wasn't (selfish, rude, blah blah blah) and that my "boundaries were making others uncomfortable". I type that now and can't help but laugh/cry at the absurdity of it. What a horrific response, to have someone who will only accept you if you fit their specific mold, do what they say when they say it, and never question their motives. How dare I act like an individual person with needs and wants and feelings!
That being said, keep in mind that when we do stand up for ourselves, and when we ask things of the world around us, the response isn't always going to be pleasant, especially when there is a list of unspoken rules that we're trying to navigate. (You can see this mirrored in the US with our rights being taken away--the problem goes all the way to the top.) Facing this is a really hard wake-up call, and I've come to accept the fact that not everyone will like me. And that's okay, as long as I'm being treated with respect and not being forced to do things that make me want to delete myself from existence. I have been able to apply this thinking to several jobs I've had, where I had to say no even if it meant not being on the Boss' 'Perfect Employees' list, but I always did my job and and did it well even when I was going through burnout and depression and just trying to survive. In a work environment I would suggest more caution, since work culture is more of a cult culture than an actual working environment where things get done, but you don't need to sacrifice your own comfort for the sake of others. It's important to remember that everyone is human, including you, and more than likely you aren't the only one who is feeling a certain way in such an environment.
TL:DR
Being assertive doesn't have to be the same as being an asshole, or being rude, or mean. Usually it just means you have a strong sense of self. Having standards, having boundaries, and having a sense of self worth is not something people can take away from you, though they may try. You can't make everyone happy, and you certainly can't get your own needs met by sacrificing them for others who will never do the same for you. Navigating relationships and people is difficult and requires putting yourself out there and accepting the consequences. If you fuck up, apologize. Make an effort to be the person that feels the most genuine to you, and go from there. Try not to betray yourself for the sake of keeping other people happy, and don't let fear stop you from standing up for yourself if you feel uncomfortable. And if you're struggling with all of that, look for resources to help you understand why and how you do the things you do, odds are someone else has gone through something similar. Ask yourself why, then ask why again. Whittle it down into something concrete that you can really examine and work on, like saying 'no'. It's all easier said than done, and takes time. Being patient with yourself is so important, and know that there are people out here, like me, cheering you on and trying to make changes too. I hope this helps a little bit, sorry for the huge text post. I really want to see everyone here succeed through their struggles, and I think with enough of us trying and supporting one another, we can make it happen.
I hope it goes well for you!
Thank you for sharing your struggles and letting us figure it out with you. Reading some of these replies makes my heart ache. I wish I could safely hug everyone and tell them we're gonna be in a better place soon. <3
Oof. That sucks.
I have to say that (to me) it seems like a better thing for them to at least say that, and put it out there. Yeah, it's a kind of rejection, and yes, it absolutely sucks, but at least you don't have to waste your time pouring yourself into something you get no response from. You sound like someone who loves very intensely, and there's nothing wrong or weird about that. Obviously, you've got the RSD that you're fighting with, but if you have to constantly adjust how you interact and hide who you are and how you're feeling, won't that shit just drive you insane?
You're worth the time and effort, and people who don't see that, more than likely don't deserve you and your attention. If they're okay letting you go, what else can you do? It's their decision.
...I'm kinda telling this to myself as well. To anyone reading, really. We matter, even if we're different, even when people don't seem to like us for whatever reason. There's others out there who will take the time, talk boundaries, and be okay with how you operate.
Sorry you're struggling, I feel you. Literally just had something similar happen to me as well, and your post resonates with me a lot. Have you felt like the more engaged you are, the more people seem to pull away? Forgive any ignorance, I had to look up RSD and it seems pretty emotionally agonizing. Hope your day gets better somehow.
Samurai Champloo, Gintama, Odd Taxi, Made in Abyss, Ouran High School Host Club, Soul Eater, Assassination Classroom, Chainsaw Man, Puella Magi Madoka Magica, Baki, Cromartie High School, Azumanga Daioh, um...that's all I can think of without googling
That's Blood and Bacon, fun game
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un_mask_me
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