WaterBear

Hi! Currently I'm experiencing a lot of gender dysphoria. It was triggered after talking with a friend, a former partner of mine who is cis female and who I trusted to handle my request sensible. They were an important catalyst for daring to express myself more queer and tackling that gender issue in my adult life.

So after being more happy in the queer spectrum, being at least bi, and feeling more fine as enby with some fluidity and ideation of different body or gender recognitions - brought on by talk with fellow trans, queer and enby friends - I wanted to visit a Flinta party and help out a bit if everything works out.

Though my former partner was mentioning how since I am looking very male and don't present female she wouldn't like me helping out, as she would like to see women who are looking like women and perform the part to feel safe in a non patriarchal space. Which one part of course has valid points (the longing for safe spaces), but feels exclusionary and while I accept multiple truths at the same time I am feeling for the last two days bad and dysphoric. Since I was happy with not being cis male and was so welcomed in INTA* that the exclusionary talking point (went from being expression of feeling to it being reiterated) really hit me, especially since I wanted to share part of my identity with her as it is still an important part of me.

So now I'm feeling really bad and while I don't label myself trans (to not take away from the struggle), both enby and gender fluid really fit my identity. Sure sometimes I thought about transitioning and did perform like a binary other gender, but that was when I lacked words, concepts and such. At least I know that the masculinity and assigned gender I grew up with isn't mine. Even though I was happy with it being part of me (or parts of it being part of me), it just doesn't quite fit me and the other self identification just felt so much nicer and more fitting.