Just need to let this out. I have been rapid cycling for a few months now, which is odd for me as in my younger days my mood episodes would last 4-8ish months and now we are looking at a week or two.
In the past few months, I feel like I have done lasting damage to my relationship and maybe my SO. I dumped all my trauma at the very beginning so now they are extra careful with me. I am super codependent so when I even suspect they're feeling negatively about anything, I grill them on it because I just want to fix it but I think maybe they're hiding their feelings now because I am breakable. I've shifted into some hyper sexuality which would be great but once we get started I ruin it somehow by doing a complete 180 and saying weird shit or checking out entirely.
Every single version of myself wants to treat them well. I could totally understand if they got whiplash from how often I pivot.
I half-heartedly tried therapy. First visit I told her one topic was off limits. Second, she pushed and I reminded her it was off limits. Third time, she spent most of the visit trying to get me to talk about it. $70 a week to talk about things I'm super busy trying to repress... pass lmao