I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling, it does sound quite similar to my transition process. I was told that the dysphoria often gets worse before it gets better and that’s what I found. But it did get better.
I also had those same doubts, at each stage, be it my initial appointments, getting HRT, taking HRT, booking SRS, getting SRS etc. I can’t obviously tell you if you’re right or wrong to transition, that’s your own journey, but for me each step was plagued with doubts, but I don’t regret things at all and I’m much happier now.
I think the doubts are perfectly normal, you are doing something big, that, in the case of medical transition, has lasting effects on your body. It’s natural to have doubts about that. I do think that you’re correct, a cis person wouldn’t even have a moments hesitation about declining HRT, it’s not something they’d even consider.
I will say that if you’re getting euphoria over the thought of taking HRT then it’s probably a good positive indicator. If you’re not sure there are a couple of things to bear in mind, taking HRT doesn’t generally have immediate external physical effect, it takes time to grow breasts. It does tend to have a mental effect much quicker, you can try it and see how you respond to that and stop if you don’t like it before you get irreversible effects. Please note I’m not a doctor and I’m only saying this from my own experience and every individual is different.
One other thing you could try if you haven’t already is breast forms, try wearing them around the house and see if it gives you euphoria or not. Breast growth is the primary irreversible part of HRT so it’s a good litmus test I think.
Regarding your dysphoria, I got the same. Transition is a journey and unfortunately I found that the more feminine I became in my gender expression the more glaring my masculine feature stood out to me. I think that’s probably fairly common, but it does improve. Slowly my face softened, my fat redistributed, my breasts grew.
Mainly though I got more confident and accepting of myself, it’s a long journey and isn’t always easy. I’m unlikely to ever pass but I’m ok with “looking trans” now, it’s me, it’s who I am, and that’s ok. I have wonderful supportive people in my life that I’ve met since transitioning and I’m much happier now.
I hope your journey works for you, whatever you decide.
I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling, it does sound quite similar to my transition process. I was told that the dysphoria often gets worse before it gets better and that’s what I found. But it did get better.
I also had those same doubts, at each stage, be it my initial appointments, getting HRT, taking HRT, booking SRS, getting SRS etc. I can’t obviously tell you if you’re right or wrong to transition, that’s your own journey, but for me each step was plagued with doubts, but I don’t regret things at all and I’m much happier now.
I think the doubts are perfectly normal, you are doing something big, that, in the case of medical transition, has lasting effects on your body. It’s natural to have doubts about that. I do think that you’re correct, a cis person wouldn’t even have a moments hesitation about declining HRT, it’s not something they’d even consider.
I will say that if you’re getting euphoria over the thought of taking HRT then it’s probably a good positive indicator. If you’re not sure there are a couple of things to bear in mind, taking HRT doesn’t generally have immediate external physical effect, it takes time to grow breasts. It does tend to have a mental effect much quicker, you can try it and see how you respond to that and stop if you don’t like it before you get irreversible effects. Please note I’m not a doctor and I’m only saying this from my own experience and every individual is different.
One other thing you could try if you haven’t already is breast forms, try wearing them around the house and see if it gives you euphoria or not. Breast growth is the primary irreversible part of HRT so it’s a good litmus test I think.
Regarding your dysphoria, I got the same. Transition is a journey and unfortunately I found that the more feminine I became in my gender expression the more glaring my masculine feature stood out to me. I think that’s probably fairly common, but it does improve. Slowly my face softened, my fat redistributed, my breasts grew.
Mainly though I got more confident and accepting of myself, it’s a long journey and isn’t always easy. I’m unlikely to ever pass but I’m ok with “looking trans” now, it’s me, it’s who I am, and that’s ok. I have wonderful supportive people in my life that I’ve met since transitioning and I’m much happier now.
I hope your journey works for you, whatever you decide.