From the sanctuary of my rooftop, I listened as my family clamored around the dinner table, laughing, joking, and chatting away. My behaviors, I learned, were primarily the result of undiagnosed ADHD and OCD, and my family was reacting to symptoms that were too difficult for them to understand at the time. My repetitive behaviors, like playing the same song over and over again for months, or watching the same movie endlessly, also drove them away. I would be disciplined for my "Bad " behavior, and I frequently carried a deep sense of shame and embarrassment for being so "Mean, " "Crazy, " and such a "Problem. " I was constantly seeking affection and attention from my siblings, who only saw me as needy and overbearing. My siblings and I did the best we could do at a time when there was very little education or acceptance around behaviors like mine. The behaviors I exhibited in childhood that caused so much strife were traits of real mental health conditions and neurodivergence - body-focused repetitive behaviors, OCD compulsions, and stimming. Today, diagnosed and treated, these behaviors sometimes still drive me crazy.
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