this post was submitted on 03 Jul 2023
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nonbinary

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Welcome Rexxitors, to the new home of r/nonbinary and r/enby

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I just found out from my wife that if I continue to explore my non-binary identity outside of the confines of our house, she’s going to end up leaving me. Talk about a lose-lose scenario, fuck me. I really don’t want to hear the “you’re better off without her if she can’t be accepting” line of thinking. I get where you’d be going with that, but there’s a lot more going on beyond this wherein I need her.

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[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago

I'm really sorry your wife rejected you like that, that pain will likely stick around for some time. Coming out as nonbinary in a marriage is really tough, my partner actually did not too long ago.

I'm a trans woman, and there were still challenges for me. In theory I should be the most accepting partner and immediately be able to change my brain around, but I found myself confused - having to process things in ways I didn't anticipate.

Your partner's brain is probably going crazy right now trying to process your identity, what that means for her identity and you as a couple, then resetting the expectations she had for your collective future. Not to mention processing the potential optics of being perceived as being in a queer relationship in today's climate. That's a lot!

How she spoke to you was how she felt in that moment, but doesn't have to be how she feels forever. If you have the patience and pain tolerance for that process, it's very possible things will work out.

What's harder to actually make work is suppressing your identity for the sake of someone you love. It can feel like noble sacrifice, but you're really not doing either of you a favor long-term. You'll both feel the facade, but feel dedicated to it and be miserable.

I suppose if I had advice, it'd be to remember that how you both feel in this moment can and will change, and doesn't have to mean anything big about your relationship unless you want it to. I know I can feel a panic to process and try to repair things, when time and space is actually what's needed.

Oh, and try to find a decent relationship counselor if you're both down - though the process of finding someone is certainly discouraging.

I really hope the best for you.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

Please ignore the commenter saying you should get a divorce. Nobody here knows anything about your relationship or your personal life, so we have no business telling you to make major life decisions. You may want to try talking to a therapist who specializes in gender identity issues, since only someone who takes the time to get to know you and understand your situation can really give you helpful advice.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

What exactly do you mean by explore my non-binary identity?

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

In short, figuring out exactly how I’m most comfortable and confident in presenting myself.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Does that mean a change of your general appearance in public, or going out and meeting/flirting with new people that align with your non binary self

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

Appearance and how I dress is the entirety of it.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

Well then you'll have to talk with her.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Yeah, once the initial pain of her being supportive then suddenly not wears off.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

I think you have to just be prepared for her not being attracted to your AGAB but also prepared to have a real conversation once that reality sets in for her. If it doesn't work for her, that sucks but that's just the reality of the situation. But it might if time lets it sink in for her. It might, it might not. I hope for the best though.

Edit: I'm also not personally good at relationships for myself so take this all with a very large grain of salt.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 1 year ago (1 children)

She’s actually exclusively attracted to my AGAB, at least in me. So moving away from that is actually the root of the problem.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 1 year ago (1 children)

My friend, I feel for you. This is a very difficult situation. However, at the core of it is a decision you have to make, but only you can make it.

Is your partner more important to you than your identity?

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

That’s exactly the issue at hand. Plus all of the stigma and questions from family and friends if the split happens, which I’m by no means capable of dealing with.