I just woke up but I'll have a response for you when I can.
this post was submitted on 22 Aug 2024
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Take your time, I completely understand this. Thanks in advance.
Apologies for the late response, I had a day.
For some context, some time ago I ended my first long-term relationship and the following months I was highly reactive, erratic, impulsive, and perpetual filled with anger. These bouts of rage seemingly came out of nowhere and got to the point where I didn't feel safe driving or socialising. After three or so months I decided to see a therapist - where a few months, they suggested I may be on the spectrum after discussing my patterns and troubles.
One of the most important takeaways I got was:
- All emotions are valid. Emotions are simply messengers (think like phone notifications) that are signalling something of "interest". If you keep ignoring it without addressing the cause (i.e. swiping away the notification instead of dealing with the content/application), that emotion/notification will keep popping off especially if it's caused by something important/difficult. It'll pop up in different ways, in inappropriate contexts, and with different intensities until it explodes - saying "I need to be addressed". For me, I exploded into a rage over an old basketball my auntie was intent on keeping.
Everyone will react to different situations with different emotional responses. You can't control a reaction, especially an emotional one. It's the following behaviour that is under your control and should be questioned. E.g. It's perfectly valid for me to feel "anger" at perceived impractical behaviour but belittling them in response is probably not the best action.
Others tid bits I partially remember and be happy to expand on:
- Window of Tolerance. What are signs of you being in hypoarousal and hyperarousal? You are at your most effective as a person when you are in between, within the window.
- Understand whats stimuli or activities calm you down. Taste, smell, sounds. Listening and paying attention to what you like and writing it down can be fun because you can kinda rediscover yourself by the stuff you take for granted (e.g. I like the smell of petrichor and that calms me down)
- S.T.O.P
1.Stop, pause, and don't react 2.Take a step back, walkway, and take a deep breath 3. Observe, notice your surroundings and how you feel 4. Proceed mindfully
- Use the Mammalian Diving Reflex. This is a catch-all calming method since most if not all individuals have.
There's so much one could talk about (mindfulness exercises, understanding what you can control such as moving away from an environment or adjusting the environment to your needs, being able to say no and draw boundaries) that a therapist can cater to your need that's it might be worth an investment in to get a solid foundation and guidance if it's available.
Again, sorry for the late message but I'm happy to expand on each of these that seem applicable, especially when I'm in front of a PC rather than my phone. Here for you friend ✌️
Thank you. This is important, but I need to process it.
My situation is a little different, but it’s similar to the end of a long-term relationship, and I went through nearly all of what you’ve described. A few months have passed, and I feel like I’m nearing the end of whatever this is. I also reacted strongly to something insignificant, like a basketball, before I realized I needed to address it. If it’s not too personal, could you give an example of what you mean by signs of being in hypoarousal and hyperarousal? I’ve noticed situations where I’ll freeze up if I feel judged, and I’ve also caught myself stimming (rocking side to side in my chair when I’m overstimulated or stressed). I haven't been officially diagnosed yet, but I no longer have any doubts that I'm on the spectrum.
Don’t apologize, I do the exact same thing, and I knew you didn’t want to reply unless it was high-quality. What you posted was perfect. Thank you.
Thanks for understanding, it's a lot to deal with and it's great your reaching out.
- Hyperarousal refers to symptoms that signal that you're overstimulated (fight-and-flight response, anxiety, reactive emotions, agression, defensiveness). Hypoarousal are symptoms that signal that you're being understimulated (think disassociations, withdown, fatigue, intrusive thoughts.) Being able to target the zone between these states (the window of tolerance) where you are aware of the present moment, able to regulate emotions, and feel secure lets you regulate the thoughts and emotions.
Understanding what over and understimulates helps identify triggers, especially since emotions can be quite intense. There's a few ways to regulate and it's all about finding what works for you.
- The strategy I leaned into was breaking down my mental processes into "Thoughts, Feelings, Behavior" so for example Thoughts: Literally no one would use this basketball. She's holding onto it like everything else like a hoarder. Feelings: Anger, Frustration, Disappointment Behaviour (Things I want to do or did do): Loudly stomping, throwing things. This let's me analyse it and evaluate whether this is rational, valid, reasonable etc as well as stop my thought process and try to improve such as not making presumptions or talking with her.
If you can find it, the stuff my therapist and I referenced are in a book called The Neurodivergent Friendly Workbook of DBT Skills by Sonny Jane Wise (2022), specifically Section 3 and Section 5. Hopefully a pdf is available somewhere but I don't have time tonight sadly.
A pdf is available on libgen ^^