Transfem

I can't give you any advice for your specific experience, but I know for me I've been a lot happier with myself after I realized that just because I think other people might judge me doesn't mean I have to judge myself the same way. It's up to you to look the way that makes you feel good, and no one except yourself can really tell you what that should be.

If you feel the need to change something but you can't figure out what you want to change I recommend meditating on it and being honest with yourself. A lot of times my indecision has been the result of cognitive dissonance that I didn't fully understand until years later when I actually started consciously unpacking my values.

For me at least, there's a weird "zen" to the dysphoria and fear. Not that it's pleasant, of course, but if I feel that strongly about something, even in a negative way, it reinforces the identity that much more.

"I wouldn't be afraid if this didn't matter to me. Avoiding opportunities for dysphoria means the incongruence with my body is real, I am not making this up."

I'm trying to remember how I felt when I was baby trans. I did also explore at a glacial pace mostly because I was afraid of what others would think of me.

I do remember having thoughts that I didn't want to think about because I was afraid of feeling dysphoric. I kept having these thoughts that made me uncomfortable and I would immediately try ignoring them. Eventually that got tiring so I started forcing myself to think about them. It was uncomfortable at first but they did help me to understand myself better and it meant that I didn't have these uncomfortable thoughts anymore.

Also, on your bonus thought, I recently realized that in a few years I will have approached the point where I will have nothing else to do. I'm very addicted to the high of gender euphoria so idk what I'm going to do when I reach that point. Like I'm getting my name changed in a few months, and then after that all I have that I want to do is get gender affirming surgeries and change my legal sex. After that, idk if I will just be permanently itchy for more gender euphoria or if my itch will be cured. Anyways, make sure you savor those gender euphoria highs whenever you get them, because after you do everything you want to do, idk if you get them anymore.

a true poet <3

this wasnt meant sarcastic or anything. just now i was thinking about what radical eagle said and eventually the thought came "i dont want to be a woman." then i corrected the thought to "i dont want to be a man" but then i thought about why i wouldnt want to be a woman and well, not in this world.. but i wouldnt want to keep trying to keep the act up to be a man... probably helped that i was in a bit of a theater thingie as a child...

i have this habit of dwelling on how if my childhood had been different or something, i could have gotten something to prevent my voice from changing.. i was in a choir as a child, sang in sopran .. sure, later i stayed there with my bass voice and still had fun... but my vocal range has always felt heavily stunted in the upper region without resorting to falsetto... which is cool and all but like.. i used to be able to get there without getting all nasaly about it... sure, i was tiny and so was my throat and stuff, but .... i had a lot of fun with that organ... not so much with the dlc that dropped suddenly. and getting into anything remotely well as into singing was HARD and discouraging and i was an awful child... well, my parents were awful parents that were parented themself horribly, so there is that and it probably has been going on for at least ww1 but fuck if i knew and i dont even want to :)

anyway, cheers!

I think it's just fear/anxiety. Fear of the unknown, fear you won't like how you look, fear that you'll be judged. Gender dysphoria is resolved through the elimination of the in-congruence between your self and your gender identity. My advice is: stop looking for dysphoria and start looking for what you want.
What kinds of clothes do you want to wear? What kinds of pronouns do you want to use? What kind of makeup styles would you like to try? Don't know the answer to these? Experiment! Try different things. Randomly if you have to! See what you like! Focus on how these things make you feel. You mentioned that you've already experimented with your nails. How do you like them? How do they make you feel?