Talk to a therapist by yourself. Don't ask random strangers on the Internet.
this post was submitted on 23 Jan 2024
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Relationship Advice
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Just to weigh in for once, since this is a common reply... That is certainly correct. But I think most people already know. Nonetheless, for some reason they still decide to ask strangers on the internet. I believe some people have their own reasoning behind that. I guess I just wanted to say that. Ultimately it's not wrong to point out this is just a random and biased crowd of people who supposedly spend too much time on the internet. Some people also need to hear that.
I mean it's not that I'm not looking for a therapist (it's been a hassle), but it's a lot of validation in an anonymous sense that make the internet strangers worth it for asking.
Besides, being vulnerable in text is a lot easier than in person. Not to sound cagey or defensive, but alas
Yeah 500% this. We are not qualified to help you. You need a professional to help YOU, not just you and your partner.
Married for 4 in the relationship for 10. I said I'm not happy, you're not happy.. let's go to couples therapy... She said only crazy people go to therapy.
I said I'm crazy then... Picked up the phone to call and she cried because "she wasn't crazy"
I told her if she couldn't put forth the effort to work with me on our relationship... Then I wasn't either.
I moved into the spare room and then out shortly afterwards.
5 years later I'm remarried with a kid in a different part of the state.
My ex is a good person she and I just weren't good together.
Just do it op. It's not as scary as you imagine
Whatever you choose to do (my vote is to talk to a therapist solo), do it soon. I don’t mean that you should put pressure on yourself and rush things, but that I don’t want you to spend any more time feeling stuck and unhappy.
If/when you talk to your partner about divorce, I expect they’ll promise anything in order to change your mind. Be prepared for the avalanche of bullshit, and don’t believe a word they say. Without you, they’ll actually have to be financially responsible for themselves. That is their real fear.
Edit: don’t second guess yourself when it turns out you’re not 100% right. That’s an impossible standard. Even in the most lopsided cases, the obviously wronged party can still take a tiny amount of blame. Plus (no offense intended) it sounds like it would be pretty easy to get you to feel responsible for things that aren’t actually your fault. Don’t be afraid to be tough.
Well, it's already over, that much is obvious
In your situation, you have the option to give your ex partner as much money/support/time as you can afford. Divorce doesn't mean you're immediately parting ways, you can support each other for years to come, and heal
My divorce created one of the most valuable friendships in my life. A kind of "transcendent friendship" where we know each other so well, and have previously hurt and forgave each other. This is super valuable. Took a year or two to transition but now we are close family/friends instead of married
So my 2c is (1) yes it's over, you know it, and you also know that you'll be happier/free when the task is done (2) redefine your relationship in terms of mutual support and respect, but independence (3) spend as much time and money as needed to make sure that this "family member" can continue to survive and heal. Since you know each other so well, there is a real opportunity to help each other grow & be happy
But if you're asking about the moment ... you'll know when the moment comes, you probably won't be able to control your own body. The voice will speak. The soul knows
They also mentioned in our therapy that their greatest fear is divorce and I don’t know if that’s because they’re still so attached to me or if it’s the fear of having to make it on their own.
It sounds like they might feel just as stuck as you feel. What if they are also unhappy in the relationship, but are only holding it together and going through the motions so that they can continue to rely on you financially? How can that kind of situation ever lead to anything resembling a happy and healthy relationship?
But that means that if I leave, they’re done for. They can’t pay the mortgage alone, nevertheless the bills or food. They also mentioned in our therapy that their greatest fear is divorce and I don’t know if that’s because they’re still so attached to me or if it’s the fear of having to make it on their own.
I think the big problem here is that you're both treating your partner as a dependent; someone you are responsible for taking care of, not an equal adult with their own responsibilities.
If you leave, they aren't "done for", they just have to grow up and live in the adult world with the rest of us, doing what needs to be done to support themselves like we all do. They slacked off in college, they have remained unemployed and now have a sort of crappy job, it's certainly not ideal, but it's survivable and ultimately not your fault. So, yeah, you both might mean finding a new place to live, finding a roommate, moving back in with family, or whatever, but that's life. If anything, maybe being put in that situation will be the incentive that they need to better themself and take less for granted?
Talking to a therapist on your own will be the biggest thing you can do. You can give them so much context and they can give you a tailored plan or just be a trusted sounding board, even.
The only thing I can say is that you can’t discount your own happiness. It’s just as important as anyone else’s, if not more so since people like your partner can feel that energy, too.
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A friend of mine recently had to do pretty much this. Frankly it’s remarkable how similar the situations are. His ex-partner is still alive and mot “done for” and she deals with many strong anxieties on top of not being as financially stable.
What they did was separate at first, with him moving out first so she had more time to get her own self in order.
I've thought about separation, but it's pretty rough financially to pay for rent + mortgage. Still, appreciate the reply
Didn't you do that for years while they were unemployed in addition to taking care of them emotionally?
I’d still recommend looking into it, or doing some variation that suits your particular circumstance because everyone is different in its own way.
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That said, the only piece of advice you should absolutely follow is seeking individual therapy. It can be a strange thing at first, especially if there’s an idea of it on your head. We all do it differently so no one person’s experience will speak for the others.
For me, I’m actually pretty “good” at it but there’s still a tonne of value I find in being able to talk it through with someone completely separated from the rest of my life but who still cares enough to help. Other people are looking for more guidance, some just need an ear, and many aren’t even sure what they need until they do it for a bit.
Sorry to hear... I don't really have solutions for you, I hope someone else will have. Take care.
Seems a bit suspect that your partner would say divorce is their greatest fear and that was not explored at all so now you wonder what is behind that statement. Wouldn't any decent therapist explore that at least a little, especially in couples therapy?
But more to the point: speak with your own therapist as someone else here said.
As a person that was left with the mortgage after a break up, I wouldn't worry too much. It was scary having to take on the financial responsibility of two people by myself, but I've made it work so far and I've had ample opportunity to get out of it if I so desired.
What's worse is thinking about still being in a relationship where we both were unhappy no matter how much therapy or more intertwined we got with each other. In the period that things were ending, thinking about the finances was scary (It really was eye opining to realize that the thing I was afraid of was financial and not loosing the other person.). In hindsight, still being in that relationship seems much worse.
"I want a divorce."
If their situation is the result of their actions, then you are not ultimately responsible for them. A relationship is a partnership, and while there is some expectation that you both support each other when times are difficult, there are still limits.
Maybe talk to a real-world friend who knows the both of you. Friends (or family) aren't stuck in the situation and their perspective might help. At least they're going to provide you with reassurance if they're proper friends. Maybe that's all you need. Judging by your words, you already made up your mind about the situation and the only question left is how to say it. It might turn out bad anyways and sometimes there isn't a nice way to do it. But it's really difficult to give advice without knowing any of you.
Anyways, it's not your obligation to be the welfare system for another person. If that's all what keeps you there... Minimize the damage and take the appropriate time to sort things out.
It's also not okay that you don't know if your partner is with you because of you, or because you provide a comfortable life. You should know that in a working relationship.
Edit: If you have the capacity to answer questions: How does couples therapy work? Does it help? Do they provide you with tools to handle things that aren't obvious? Anything of substance? Do things get "fixed" in therapy sessions?
It helps to a degree. It got us talking a lot more and somewhat vulnerable - something we have troubles with because of our upbringings. But it's little more than small insights, I think. I don't know if anything has gotten "fixed", really. And to be honest, it's likely due to my difficulties being guilty/responsible/things that I shouldn't be, so I keep my head down and words to myself. But yeah, it's just a real bungled up mess. Still, thanks for the reply. The validation helps
Thank you. I appreciate your answer. I can relate to that. At some times I've asked myself if going to couples therapy was beneficial to me. But I'm in a different situation and we eventually managed to find enough love and determinism on both sides to pull through, read up on the different love languages and get close to the roots of some communication issues.
What you have sounds more like codependency and that's not healthy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not qualified to judge you, neither do I have enough information to make that statement. But other comments here come down to the same thing. You don't work well together. It's weighing you down. And maybe it's also weighing down your (current) partner. We cannot know how things turn out in the future. But my belief is that sometimes people need to face reality. Sometimes people even have to reach the bottom, get shaken up a bit in the process to wake up and ultimately get better. If it's codependency, I don't see another alternative. Anyways. Keep in mind that you're not alone. It might feel that way and you are the one faced with the problem. But break-up and divorce is a fairly common thing. It sucks but you're not alone with that. Money and belongings can be sorted out. Opportunities will arise if you're really forced to look for them. I'm positive it'll turn out okay in the end, as it has for lots of other people. If you're struggling to get going with the process, take the time to think it through, set yourself a realistic goal including a schedule and then start working on it. If any of you have friends or family, maybe have them support you, so you're not alone in the process. It's just for a limited time.
You aren't responsible to perpetually cover for the failures of another adult. Everyone needs to be able to find their own happiness in the world. Also, as others are saying seek a therapist for yourself.
You have to accept that divorces are rarely one of those things where everyone walks away happy. Now obviously there's a bit more involved in this divorce but you don't have any responsibility to pay their bills.
You've done everything you can for you as a couple. It's time to do what you need to do for you as an individual. You don't have to be apathetic about their plight but you do need to stop setting yourself on fire to keep them warm.
You are responsible for you.