this post was submitted on 24 Jul 2023
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I was made to hang out with my partner's friend's new boyfriend (lemmy.dbzer0.com)
submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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The only thing I knew about him was that he works in construction, because his work shirt said as much haha. I had no idea how to relate to the guy. Or even start a conversation.

Man do I say? I haven't watched sports in forever and that normally always works. I wonder if he has kids. I can jokingly talk shit about my kids all day, but if I start with that he'll think I'm fucking crazy!

Is he not drinking bud light because of politics or because the yeungling was at the top of the ice chest? He looks like he works out- should I ask him about it? Fuck, I don't know shit about gyms. How do I follow that up?

Damnit I hate parties. Is he thinking the exact same thing as me? All my partner's friend's partners are country boys and this always happens. Why is this so hard? A third of my friends are country as fuck

"So, you listen to music?"

Fuck I'm an idiot

15 minutes of the awkward silence that comes from a dash of regular anxiety and a heap of how-masculine-do-I-need-to-be-right-now-to-relate-to-a-new-human-male.

Sorry if this isn't appropriate for this sub but I like the concept and want to see more engagement and also this just happened.

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[–] [email protected] 23 points 1 year ago (2 children)

You're jumping too far ahead.

The key to social grace is letting things be organic

You introduce yourself. You maybe say who you're there with, then maybe ask how the new person met the person you know. This gives you a point of connection to start from that's always going to be present at gatherings large or small. The new person is already connected to you by the already familiar people. So you build on that and allow the conversation to flow from that.

Easy peasy. You don't have to worry about anything except the moment. If new dude is a talker, problem solved because they're going to keep going and all you have to do is listen. If they aren't, then you know to hang back a bit and still listen while letting their flow ebb at its own pace.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

While I agree with everything you said, I think the major problem here is the assumption that being men is enough commonality to supersede literally everything else. When you're not sure if you have similar perspectives on masculinity this can quickly turn into a minefield. Particularly in more conservative areas. The strategies described here, while likely effective, can very quickly become detachment and other maladaptive coping mechanisms if you find yourself in this situation frequently and are overly concerned with presenting in "acceptably" masculine ways.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Easy peasy.

It's really not for a lot of people. Unless you somehow believe they're all struggling with something that's actually easy for them.

[–] [email protected] -1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

It is easy. People just doubt themselves and fear social rejection so much that they make it hard.

Don't get me wrong, I had to climb out of that place to get to the point where I could discover how easy it is. But it really is easy to do once you know that it's all about being willing to listen instead of dreading having to speak. You just ride the flow once you push off.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Just to kind of push back on this, you're probably taking in and processing a bunch of information about your interactions subconsciously. Not all of us are able to do that effectively despite our best efforts.

It may be simple, but it really isn't easy for everyone.

[–] [email protected] -1 points 1 year ago

Yeah, I can see that the easy part isn't a term that everyone is going to accept. Simple might be better, or perhaps just achievable. And neuro-atypicality is a barrier to things.

I will maintain that the process of learning to do it isn't hard in and of itself. It's largely a matter of unlearning things that hold us back.

And, I think that once the initial decision to shift the mind is made, the rest is easy enough, though the timeline may make it seem otherwise. It's no harder than a skill like flint knapping. Once you decide to develop a skill, you have a learning curve, and then you just get better over time by practice. You still run into individual abilities determining how fast that happens, and how skilled you become, but it's that initial hump that's the barrier to entry.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I think most of us have been there at sometime in our past. It is difficult, for sure. I have had to take classes on how to do small talk in order to find ways through this, because I need to be able to work my way through these situations for my job. It is tricks like - you mentioned the guy works construction - so ask him what type of things he is building. How did he get into that position. Is construction what he has wanted to do his whole life, or how did he land that type of job. You need to ask questions that will provoke another person's opinions (whether you like their answers or not) and usually they start to spill their personal stories quite easily. Share a few anecdotes when you can to keep things moving forward. But I agree - it is difficult and very uncomfortable.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

Agreed - really all that small talk is trying to find common ground or similar interests with those you don't know well yet.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 year ago (2 children)

I read that as "my partner's new boyfriend" and was trying to adjust to that thought.

Nope, ain't gonna happen.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I hung out with my wife's new boyfriend at the pool just the other day, a good chunk of the polycule was there.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago (2 children)

Is there a community/instance here for poly people? I haven't seen one yet

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

I haven't run into one yet but if I do I'll try to remember to come back and reply here for you!

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

It looks like there is a /c/polyamory on lemmy.world but it doesn't appear very active.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

Oh, thank you!!

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

Haha I read it as "I was made to hang out" with him, as in "I was made for this, my favorite activity with my new bestie".

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 year ago

Jesus yes. The implicit segregation in social settings is my worst nightmare.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago

Here are my conversation starters:

  • Do you have any plans for this summer? substitute in the next long weekend or major holiday
  • (on Monday) how was your weekend?
  • (on Friday) got any plans for the weekend?
  • How do you know ?

It's not a great list, but it gives people an excuse to start chatting.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

My usual go-to openers are "Got any fun plans for the weekend?" or "So what do you do to stave off boredom." But yeah, social anxiety is a real pain in the rear.