So I got an internship now.

on the down note, these interviews are eating from the inside out with anxiety.

Been trying to help my younger cousin out with dating. He's on every app and has dealt with constant ghosting to the point that it's made him a little depressed. It's still weird to me that dating apps are so normalized because I remember when being on one of those old dating sites like Eharmony would make people laugh at you.

I think the highs and lows of my [diagnosable parts of my brain] are leveling off a little bit.

Instead of just abstract pain or discomfort, I can articulate what's specifically going on that's bothering me. It's work, but it's work for me to improve myself.

I'm encountering apathy when I describe my experience to people in my circle and that's a sign I need to change my circle. For instance, I tried to explain how personal grooming as a masculine presenting person of color is often a matter of safety. If I look unkempt in the wrong place, people will start asking questions or sending cops. It's not being paranoid or cynical to associate safety with grooming when you live in a racist area.

My dad believes that a sauce/dip is bad if you can flip the container and it spills. This is a universal principle whether he's talking hummus, gravy or pasta sauce. He won't eat spaghetti if the sauce is a liquid.

I did good work today. Hope I get a day off tomorrow. I just wanna be lazy

i am seeing a really big musical on Friday. aaaahhhhhhhhhh. so excited, its one of my favorite musicals and I've only seen in on youtube "slime tutorials".

CW: homophobic attitudes (light).

My mom keeps telling me that she wants me to have an arranged marriage with a girl in Bangladesh. Emphasis on "girl" because the people she's showing me are like still in high school (wtf but also high school works differently so they're like 2-4 years younger than me). I usually just tell her no and that I'm focusing on my studies right now. She's been getting really insistent lately and keeps telling me that she'll be really lonely if I don't marry a woman she can treat as her personal daughter in law. Fyi both my parents know I'm only romantically interested/attracted to men but my mom is like "marry someone and forget her" which really fucks my shit up considering that a lot of my family is a result of arranged marriages but my parents actually got together because they loved each other.

Part of me just wants to leave my family forever and go no contact but another part of me that's horrified for thinking that, but then another part of me gets so heated and I start losing myself.

blegh

I joined a volunteering club and got to meet some new people. I also dropped one of my classes and I'm feeling less stressed overall.

I want to do an exchange program to Argentina but I'm scared of the anarcho-capitalist being golpe'd de estado (military coup) while I'm there and being deported/forced to leave. If I want an uncomplicated study abroad to a spanish speaking country I could just go to Spain but that would mean I would still be in my comfort zone of the Global North.

I wish the US didn't violate the entirety of America Latina for centuries.

I always get a bit taken aback whenever people come to me for advice. Working retail I work with younger people and I always forget that I'm their elder. And more so now that I'm a lead/manager. Someone recently came to me for advice for an interview and I'm really glad I could help them out.

Speaking of work, I was recently floated the possibility of a promotion. I'd probably be traveling a lot more depending on the position. Nothing concrete though, but I'm cautiously optimistic.

my partner is also a poc.

she has suffered me for so so long. she takes care of me, and took care of me when i was cruel and selfish and hurt her with every word. i still do it, and i am much worse now.

i wish she did not love me, i still cannot understand. how can someone have so much love in their heart? she has so much life in her she gives me the will to live. she lives for the both of us.

she hates white people a lot. she didn't hate them so much in the past, now that she's working she's become very radicalized. i just can't bring myself to hate these individuals. i'm dispassionate and disappointed, i wish i could redirect some of the awfulness i put on her and on others who supported me to work to something useful.

I like that the avi of this comm at least has multiple BIPOC representatives rather than just one BIPOC group being represented.

I'm happy with the banner, but I could've made it a bit more, err, multiracial, so to speak (it was kinda made on the fly and rushed out).

really is annoying that the only Langston Hughes poem hexbear users know is the one about a white man.

During recession times like this, would you like to hear a Yiddish song (I'm not Jewish though, so pardon me)

Arbeitslosenmarsch by Mordecai Gebirtig

-Einz, zwei, drei, vier

-Arbeitslosen sind wir

-Nisht gehert khadoschim lang

-in fabrik dem hammer klang

-slign keylim kalt fergesn

-schnem der zhaver zey schon fresn

-gey un mir arum in gas

-vidi di gvirim, pust un pas

-vidi di gvirim, pust un pas

This is my second winter where I'm dealing with chilblains affecting the fingers on my right hand. I don't know why it suddenly became a thing, but it's really annoying. Apparently it's most common in women, and while that's gender affirming in a way, I'd much rather not have to deal with it.

I came to a point that I don't want to get to know my new co-workers anymore when they belong to the dominant ethnicity. Everytime it's like I'm a coin toss away from getting to hear some fucked up racist shit, just because I can pass as one of them. It's exhausting getting dissapointed constantly like this.

I forgot that it was Black History Month... Well, how you guys doin?