traaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnns

The other day, a friend of mine came out to me and said that they think they're trans. I've been looking up information online so I can be as supportive as possible while not being overbearing or pushy. And everything's different now. It seems like as terrible as the world is, there's a ton of information available. Trans communities seem radder than ever. There's an energy that I don't think was there before. When I first came out, it felt like every trans person I met advised me to stick out as little as possible to avoid being hurt, to avoid losing my job, to avoid making problems for people. I had to deal with the old standards of care, to prove that I was a "true transsexual" to get a legit HRT script, and searching for trans stuff online brought up stuff like the COGIATI.

I still feel like a piece of trash for running away from everything, especially with what's going on in the world.

So, I told my friend that I'm trans, too. I'm still shaking to think about it. It's brought back a ton of old memories, trauma, self-hatred, and all of that. I've been thinking about my gender in a way I haven't in years. Reading through some of the "hey, so you think you might be trans?" material to find stuff for my friend has been really helpful in a way I didn't expect. There's a lot that's hard to read because it reminds me of some really painful times, but it's also caused me to think a lot about my victories, the joy that comes from... just being myself? The joy that comes from realizing that it's OK to be trans, even after all these years?

I want to support my questioning friend, and I can't do that if I can't be OK with being trans myself. I want to come out to my other friends, and maybe eventually my coworkers. I still have a lot I'm going to need to work through, but I feel like I can make progress.

I'm thankful for my friend. I'm happy that we'll be able to talk about how we experience gender together, and hopefully learn to accept ourselves more? And I'm happy that after all these years, long after I've given up on it, I'm making some cracks in my own self-loathing I thought I'd have to deal with for the rest of my life.

I'm proud to be trans. For the other trans folk out there, I hope you are too. If you aren't proud of yourself or don't think you can get there, it's never too late to make progress, and I hope you find your way there soon.

Thanks.