this post was submitted on 23 Feb 2024
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Autism
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Honestly this is a really common occurrence when i a autistic person ask a basic question to most neurotypical co-workers. They often start to explain an entire procedure unrelated to my thoughts with the answer somewhere sandwiched within.
I needed a quick answer to continue to work, by the time They’re done talking i don't even remember what i was doing.
But to be fair, as you mentioned this person is a friend its possible that your friend has difficulty knowing what to talk about and by asking a question you set a topic and display interest in that topic. Either that or your question triggered a special interest.
NT here. I’m interested to learn more about this. I see that when you ask a question, you’re just looking for a concise answer. Is that fairly typical for people who are autistic or something that tends to vary a lot?
I have some possible answers for why NT people tend to communicate like this. If you want to hear them, let me know.
It mostly applies to a work scenario, i presume it still comes down to a personal style but because communicative challenges are typical its more likely such a thing is noticeable/annoying because we don’t understand each others social cues. Which i do express or at least try to express.
I believe the reason is often this:
The result of my work is more or less the same, but I am looking at and analyzing the screen differently, doing the job my own way.
I am rarely doing just my task; I am also actively engaged in improving my work, flow, efficiency. I generate new ideas for other tasks that require the same or similar details.
I kind of need to do this because it keeps me mentally involved with the bigger picture of what our team is supposed to accomplish, in abstract. Without it, I get burned out very quickly.
This means that often I am doing Task A, have been all morning. But I overhear something about Task B, suddenly I see something where if I put A and B together with E and Q I already had, I could accomplish something that helps with Tasks W and Z. (I am skipping letters to indicate that it’s not straightforward, personal deep logic, aka without proper lengthy explanation and proof on paper, no one can follow me here.)
But I hit a roadblock with my thoughts, mind you, I am still working and my primary focus is on just A.
This roadblock is often a seemingly minor detail. If it’s one way, it would be perfect; if it’s the other, I can throw my idea in the bin without feeling bad about it. For every great idea I have, a hundred bad ones are binned. I also avoid telling people my ideas until I am certain; I’ve been burned too many times by just spitting them out.
Because of the way my personal mind is built (autism-ADD), I am well aware I will forget any non-completed thoughts. The logic is too complex to scribble down without it including the whole puzzle. When I have a full picture, I can write it down by omitting all the deeper details so it becomes compatible with general NT logic, and I can move to figuring out how to explain this in the next meeting.
So, to know the answer to my blockade, which will act as the decider to continue or move on, I formulate a very specific question for information, purposely omitting the context of the depth that I am currently inside of in my head. Not only because I want it to be finished before bringing it up but also because I am still doing A, and others might perceive my style as getting distracted from my job rather than going beyond my task to do my job better.
“Does ‘this’ work like ‘specifically that’?”
It can be answered with a simple yes or no, but it rarely is, and I need to put both my task and my thoughts in a sort of pause state to not lose focus during the entire conversation.
I wish people would be more aware of MY social cues, that I ask broad questions to engage in broader conversation but want a very short, specific answer to meticulously specific questions.
This is just my perspective. My workplace is inclusive, but I have not gotten to talk about this specifically with our team. I’d love to hear your thoughts about it; it could definitely help when I do talk about this.
Good context and explanation. Thanks. After reading that, I’m less sure my reasons apply as much to your particular situation, but I’ll throw them out there anyway:
They assume you don’t just want the answer but why that is the answer. For me, I tend the learn and remember better if I understand why X is correct. If I’m just told X, I’m more likely to forget that answer later. If I have the context around the answer, I understand it better and can recall it better. Similarly, they may think you have (or will have) similar questions, so are showing you how to find the answer to those related questions.
They don’t realize your question is precise/pointed and think you will have follow on questions, so are answering the potential related questions.
if the question doesn’t have one right answer or they think their answer is right but could be wrong, they are providing background sort of to say “This is how I came to this conclusion, but you may come to a different one or there may be alternatives.”
they just like to hear themselves talk and are happy to have a break from their work.
Aside: when I said “they assume you don’t just want the answer…” or similar statements, I don’t mean that they are literally stopping and thinking about whether or not that is what you want. It’s probably subconscious and their default way of answering questions. Understandably, this leads to your frustration: even though you are giving a clear, well thought out question, they aren’t stopping and thinking about why you asked the question that way. Instead they are answering in their default mode.
This definitely gives me some additional context to understand NT’s around me.
I tend to default to assume its either they are trying to relate it to the task i am doing at hand (which can still be true) or 4. Which is a little condescending if there were actually trying help.
Haha. Re: option 4, I was being glib. A more charitable way to say it is that they want to connect with you and spend time talking with you (and they don’t realize you are busy and want to keep working on your task). A lot of NTs will use time talking to coworkers as a way to recharge. To them it’s a nice break from what they’re doing.