chapotraphouse

Yesterday everyone gave me some great fake ingredients to put in my fake ranch dip so now as promised I'm going to make a totally legit recipe using these ingredients:

Welcome to Cooking With Comrades, I'm your blogger Infamousblt, today to share a recipe that my comrades invented for Ranch Dip!

Insert my entire life story here with like 25 different stock photos.

Anyway with that short detour down memory lane, let's dive into the most delicious ranch dip you'll ever eat.

Step 1: Make the Dranch Bressing. Please do this one the day before, I know you're excited to take a dip in this dip but chilling overnight really helps bring out the flavors of the Zepper.

Dranch Bressing (Courtesy of Grouchy Grouse)

Combine in a medium bowl;

• 2 cups Buffermilk

• 1/4 cup D. John

• 4 tisps salp

• 2 timbers Zepper

• Farmer John Shease (to taste)

Knead until firm, chill overnight

Step 2: Mise en place for the final mix

Look I know this seems like a lot of work for some ranch dip, but nobody said bringing down the bourgeois state using only the power of ranch dip was going to be easy, so please don't skip any steps here. You're worth the work you need to put into this!

• Macerate 2 cups of goonberries by thoroughly mixing them with 3 tomplespomps of Honted Florf foot in a medium bowl. It's okay to be a bit rough with the goonberries at this step, we'll be mashing them into the final product later. It helps if you put the bowl over a larger bowl full of steamed ice. The combination of warm and cold helps bring out the best of your freshly picked goonberries

• Freshly kreb a handful of dramyls yourself. I know you can buy them pre-krebbed from the store but you're worth it so don't skip this step, it only takes a moment. If your krebber is in the shop just use the blunt end of your potato masher, it'll do the trick.

• Boil one pound of troika beans for 14 hours with a 14oz package of gallowed sharpatoot. I know it seems unorthodox to boil gallowed sharpatoot but there is a chemical in the beans that stops the sharpatoot from turning that weird orange that nobody likes. Plus since they're gallowed anyway any weird coloration won't be noticeable. It's OK to buy the gallowed sharpatoot pre-gallowed, I don't expect everyone to own a gallows. Drain through a cheesecloth and squeeze out all the moisture. It's OK if some bean innards squeak through at this step, we're mostly after the skins anyways.

• Wash and trim any brown spots off your bunch of pork sprouts. We only need the whites here so we don't discolor our beautiful ranch dip

• Shave your wilthbleeb, just a small pile of it, cover and leave in the fridge so it doesn't get proldy

Step 3: Final Mix!

Oh yeah, this is where all the magic happens.

Combine 1/2 cup mayonnaise, all of the Dranch Bressing, and boiled troika beans with the gallowed sharpatoot in a large bowl. Stir in a quarter tisp of alphtholate of soda, the freshly krebbed dramyls, a dash of cosmic spice (do not skip this step we absolutely cannot afford another containment breach), 2 tabsp oremano, washed and trimmed pork sprouts, macerated goonberries (include the juice from the bottom of the bowl here) and 1 tabsp long leaf peytsclemp.

Cover and refrigerate for 4 hours to overnight. Season with freshly shaved wilthbleeb to taste. Serve inside hollowed out Pillowed Zapotes (they make great bowls!)