Hello! I'm here 'cause i'm very, VERY confused about what i am. I'm 26, virgin, never even kissed. I have always thought i was (and maybe, deep down, still think) a straight guy, but now i don't know anymore. Now i'm very very confused about my sexuality and masculinity.
I wanna say that i watch sissy hypno (porn videos that should brainwash you to become and think like a girl) since i was 16 years old. Now when i watch porn i always imagine to be the girl. I have used my mom's clothes in the past (i don't remember if i already started watching sissy hypno). I'm also in a particular situation down there: I think I'm so conditioned by sissy hypno, bbc, big cocks, porn etc that now i don't properly "jerk off" anymore, 'cause now i always cum HANDSFREE (without touching myself), in my underwear and in my pants, just watching porn and imagining to be the girl... i literally wet myself. As i said before, i have always thought i was a straight guy, although i have become kind of "obsessed" with a particular porn actor (a male one), and he REALLY makes me doubt my sexuality a lot... I have also favourite female pornostars, but with them i'm never 100% sure WHY i like them so much... If it's because i simply wanna have sex with them or 'cause i wanna be LIKE them.
I have tried to stop watching porn (my record is a month) but nothing changes. I always come back and i have always urges to be a girl. If i stop and i try to masturbate with pics of solo girls it's "difficult" for me, 'cause it's difficult to think about having sex with them, but i think things like "i wanna be her friend"/"I wanna dress up with/like her"/"I wanna take pics in front of the mirror with her"/"I wanna be like her" etc...
The problem is that i think i'm not a girl and that i'm not gay 'cause i think it's just a fetish. If when i'm horny i imagine to be a girl, when i cum PNC (Post Nut Clarity) hits and i wanna be a guy again. It's like having 2 different personalities. Also, i don't think i'm gay 'cause okay, maybe i like cock, but JUST if it's big and thick, otherwise no... It could exist the most beautiful man in the world, but if he does not have a big thick cock i won't like him.
So yeah, that's me... sorry if it's too long and sorry for bad english but i'm not a native speaker.
What do you think i am? I need opinions and suggestions...
Yeah, some of my earliest experiences with wearing girls' clothes made me feel aroused in that way. I think it ties in a lot with what I said about sexuality being one of the only permissible ways to be vulnerable and engage with our own femininity. When it's an uncommon experience as well, when you don't wear skirts a lot, it's new and exciting and it can ilicit a feeling of arousal. I don't think that in any way invalidates the feelings themselves, though. I stopped feeling excitement in that way years ago, as women's clothes became my clothes and my excitement lost the arousing component. I still get really hyped and excited to wear an outfit I like or clothes that I've wanted to wear, but it doesn't necessarily make me feel like that anymore. Obviously if I'm wearing lingerie or something like that it can create some feelings of sexuality or horny-ness. But thats usually correlated with why I'm wearing them and what usually follows afterwards.
Basically, what I mean to say is, wanting to wear a skirt is not invalidated by being excited when you get to wear one. Even if that excitement feels sexual. A lot of trans people experience that when wearing clothes that affirm them, not that im saying you are trans, just that I don't think those feelings invalidate any desire to be a girl or to be feminine. Try wearing less overt women's clothes too, like comfy sweatpants and tank tops and sweaters. Try wearing an unpadded sports bra. If you're concerned about any sexual feelings produced, wear clothes just normally. Let yourself experience the excitement of it, but don't take them off when clarity hits. Just hang out in them for a while. You may find that you feel comfortable in fem clothes, or that it brightens your day when you allow yourself to wear them through the day.